Ronan. Your daddy left for Vegas. This means I get to hold down the fort while he is away. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem in the pre Ronan is not dead days. Now, doing things like keeping your brothers entertained on their fall break, solo, is hard fucking work. Don’t get me wrong, they are easy boys. And if you were here, I have no doubt we would be off doing things like going to the Pumpkin Patch, shopping for Halloween costumes, and having lots of adventures. You know what is right around the corner. Your most favorite holiday. Halloween. It used to be my favorite holiday, too. Now it just makes me extremely sad. Last year, I dressed up like a dead zombie because that is how I felt. This year, I’m not feeling like doing anything except burying myself in a big hole in our backyard. I have not carved pumpkins with your brothers yet, or gotten their Halloween costumes. We have been talking about what they want to be. Of course I always wonder what you would have been. In my mind, you would have been a different Star Wars character every year for the rest of your life. I don’t think you would have grown out of your Star Wars phase just quite yet.
Today, Liam and Quinn’s fall break consisted of therapy. It was Liam’s day to be with Dr. Rachel. It’s been a while since he has seen her. I went in and talked to her before hand. I told her that I have been having to talk about your last days a lot, with everything that I have been doing. I told her I was worried because we had not really talked about it in depth with your brothers. We agreed that she would dig deep today, without pushing Liam too much. I waited in the waiting room with Quinn. My mind was racing and of course my heart was breaking thinking of the conversation that was taking place in the next room. What a great way to spend fall break, huh. Liam came out after an hour, his little eyes all red. I got up and left him out in the waiting room with Quinn while I went to talk to Dr. Rachel about how the session went. I listened to her tell me how Liam talked very openly about the sadness he feels over losing you. How during the time when you were dying he told himself to be a good brother, to be brave, to be strong, and how he wanted to be somewhere else. He told Dr. Rachel he told you the same things. He cried a lot when talking about all of those things. She told me he has a higher emotional intelligence than most kids his age. How well he was able to verbalize everything that he was feeling. I wiped away my tears while listening to this. I felt like punching the wall and screaming, “WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?!! TO THE BEST BIG BROTHERS IN THE WORLD?!!!” I got up and told Dr. Rachel thank you. We decided that it was best for now to let Liam talk about these things in his safe space with Dr. Rachel. I asked Liam in the car if he wanted to talk about anything. He told me he did not, so I left it at that. I am just thankful that he is opening up to someone.
I picked up a friend of your brothers so we could have a play date. I took them over to The Village to play basketball, football and swim. I was sitting outside, under the shade of course with my dark sunglasses on because I have developed an allergy to the sun called, “I fucking hate you.” I was watching your brothers and their friend swim. I was trying not to get too sad that there were 3 boys in the pool and one of them wasn’t you. Just as I was sitting there, a little hummingbird came flying right up to my face. It stayed there for a few seconds. I smiled. I thought of you of course because little hummingbirds don’t happen often in my life, but when they do it is always when something really important or sad has happened and I need a little sign that you are around. 3 minutes later, my Twitter alert went off. Somebody had tweeted me that our friend, Super Ty had passed away. My stomach dropped to the floor. I sat there for a few minutes. I didn’t cry right away. I thought about the hummingbird and how that was your way of telling me you were going to take care of Ty now. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched your brothers laugh, splash and play. I sent your Sparkly a text about Ty because he knows how he was our roommate at Sloan. I told him that he had passed away and how cruel life was. I told him about the hummingbird too and how I knew it was a sign from you and how you would now watch over Ty forever. He told me that he knew that you would, too. My tears didn’t stop for a few minutes. I’m so sorry to Ty’s mama, daddy, little brother and to all who knew and loved him. I’m so sorry to Ty. Will this cruel world ever get better, Ronan? How many kids is it going to take, before people start paying attention to the point where everyone finally says, enough is enough? When is this sick cycle of kids dying over and over and over from cancer going to end? When are people going to stop looking away because it can’t happen to their child, right? I know I am making a lot of headway with everything we are doing, but some days I feel like how long is this going to fucking take? And what is it going to take for everyone to wake up and join in this fight with me? Am I going to have to organize a freaking protest or something? When will our government really step up to the plate and what can I do to make this happen? Somebody get me on the phone with Obama. Seriously. Too many parents are losing kids. Too many kids that are still here, will suffer for the rest of their lives. They deserve to stop being overlooked. They deserve better treatments and options. I don’t want another mom to have to sit down with their other children and let them look at the ashes of their dead brothers body. I am beyond heartbroken and if things continue to stay this way, I just don’t know what I will do. Really, how hard do I have to fight? I feel as though it is all I am doing, 24 hours a day. Will things ever get better? If my post seems hopeless tonight, it’s just because I am so very sad over Ty, Ronan. I hope you two are both playing together in your super hero capes. Take good care of him sweet boy. It shouldn’t be this way.
I’m going to end this here. Your brothers had a good day. I tried my best but as always I carry so much sadness around in everything I do. I miss you so much. G’nite Ro baby. Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe.
xoxo
P.S. Hey Cancer. Fuck you.