Ronan. So, in this life now without you, you know I’m not used to really good things happening. Even when really good things happen to me, they always come with me thinking the worst case scenario for what could ultimately go wrong. It’s a given in this new life without you. The one that I am left here living, where I thought you would never die, because our love and those doctors, would save you. How I absolutely knew that nobody would ever make us be apart because the love between the two of us, was so strong and unlike anything the both of us had ever known. Of course you were going to get better. Of course you were going to survive. Yet, somehow… that was not the outcome. I will never know why and even if there was a reason written out in black and white, it wouldn’t be good enough. Nothing in this world will ever be worth the death of you. But, some really amazing things are happening due to your death. It feels so wrong to write that, but it is the truth. Had you not died, the things that the world is spitting out at me, would not be going on.
I told your Sparkly the other day, “If Ronan had to die, you can make damn sure I am going to make something amazing come from it. He will change the face of childhood cancer.” I hate that it had to be you. But baby, just maybe, someday, another little boy or girl won’t have to die from this disease because of the awareness you are bringing to it. We as a foundation, are preparing the best we can for all the good you are bringing. We’ve had a fire lit under us in the best way possible. I am thanking you, our love, and the most amazing people in the world who are so touched by our love story, that they want to help us change this. I am so amazed at the way you are still inspiring so many… but I was your mama, so it’s not surprising to me at all, Ro. Your beauty and spirit lives on through so many. I am trying to find comfort in that as much as I can. It truly is what keeps me going.
I had my first ultrasound today. The one where I got to see, (insert british accent here)”Poppy!” in a picture for the first time. Your daddy went with me. We were waiting for my OBGYN. The one who delivered all 3 of you. I was nervous. I told your daddy I expected there to be no baby, or for this baby to die. Am I an awful, wretched human being for saying those words? I thought I was for about .3 seconds, but then I decided I was not. I just know the worst now, so those thoughts are a given. Your daddy said, “The baby is not going to die.” I wanted to say, “That’s what you said about Ronan,” but I bit my tongue.” We went back to the ultrasound room. I wondered if Dr. Schwartz would bring you up. I had a panic attack thinking to myself, “What if she doesn’t acknowledge Ronan and what happened?” That would have destroyed me. She came into the room, Yelling about how she needed to make sure there weren’t two babies in my stomach. The mood quickly shifted after that after she told us she knew we had been through the ringer and how sorry she was. She asked a lot of questions about how I was doing, feeling, and if I was still depressed. I told her I don’t think it’s depression after losing a child. I think it’s just a heavy grief that one will always have, but I am learning to manage it. She asked about medications. I told her I wasn’t on any. Your daddy piped in about Ambien but quickly corrected himself saying I hadn’t taken any since before Washington. So glad I threw that shit away. She asked if we were excited. I just answered her as honesty as possible. I said I was more just scared and nervous. She said she understood starting going on and on about how she knows I am going to have anxiety with this baby, times a million. She told me she would do ultrasounds on me every week if that’s what I wanted. I don’t know if that will be necessary, but I appreciated the offer. I cried a lot during my ultrasound due to missing you so freaking much. I heard Poppy’s heartbeat and I wish I could say it filled me with so much happiness and joy, but it didn’t. I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I know this is going to take time. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. But my happiness comes with just as much sadness, too. I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. It is what it is, Ronan. This baby will be good. I know this. This baby is going to be so unbelievably loved. This baby is going to be a part of you and what could be better than that, besides yourself? I love this baby already. But it doesn’t lessen this pain or make me miss you any less. If anything, it makes me miss you more.
Poppy is real. Poppy has a heartbeat. As of now, Poppy is safe. I know in my heart, that you will make sure this baby is going to be fine.
I just finished up a board meeting. Long night. Lots of love, excitement and laugher in our house tonight. I am so lucky, even without you here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
Ronan. I had a productive morning. But now I can’t do anything, except sit her and sob and miss you. I don’t have these days a lot, but when I do, I just have to give in and allow them to come. I love you baby doll. I miss your little voice, so much. I know you miss mine, just as much. I hope you are safe.
Ronan. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. How could I with all that is going on? I didn’t sleep last night and I spent all day today, running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. No time for sleep when too many things are happening. But for once, it’s all good things. As in things that I know you are behind as I am feeling you everywhere. This could only be you, working so hard to help me with everything I want to do in this childhood cancer world.
I took your brothers to Dr. Rachel yesterday. It was the first time Liam has seen her. It’s Quinn that I have been having go. I left Liam with Dr. Rachel for a half and hour session. As soon as she opened the door, I saw the look on her face and my heart dropped to the floor. She mouthed the words, “OhMYGod,” to me. I went in to sit with Liam and her to talk about what it is, that took place. She said that Liam has so many feelings about you, that he doesn’t know how to talk about or how to let out. She said he cried a lot and needed a lot of hugs. This as a mom, killed me. It made me feel like the biggest failure. Liam snuggled up to me and let me hold him while he just cried. I kissed his head and told him how proud I was of him for talking about everything. He then left the room so I could talk to Dr. Rachel alone about what went on. She said she could not believe how fast he opened up to her and how he just let out all of his sadness. I told her how I can see him holding it in, but how I cannot get him to let it out with me. She talked about how he needs a safe place to come, to talk about things and how next time she would like a whole hour with him. I totally agreed. That lady, has a gift with your brothers. It’s crazy. I’ve never seen them both open up so quickly to a stranger. I am so glad we found her and she is a great fit for your brothers. I think this therapy is going to help them so much. I can’t have them keeping this all inside. They need to talk about everything with an outsider who can help them navigate this, in a way that your dad and I cannot.
It’s so late. I honestly have the best friends in the world who love you so much. Who gives up a Friday Night to sit at our kitchen table for 6 hours to work on foundation things with me because we have so much to do? My friends who love you so much. Melissa sat in your seat tonight, at the dinner table. I was so glad to have her there. You have only brought the most beautiful people to us, Ronan. I am amazed every single day at the people you are surrounding us with. It’s such a powerful thing to watch.
It was Ezra’s birthday today. Or now, yesterday I guess. I called his mom to make sure she was o.k. Of course she was not. I let her cry on the phone to me and I cried with her. I then pulled it together to tell her how amazing she is and how she needs to stop being so hard on herself. She sounds like someone else I know. Robyn, I love you with all of my heart. I PROMISE you, together, we will fix this disease for these kids and families. I swear to you with everything that I have left that childhood cancer is going to change. We are going to help to save so many lives with our hearts, dreams, and minds, with all of Ronan and Ezra, guiding us every step of the way. I’m sorry today was so hard. I wish I could have been with you. But I am so proud of you for still dancing at the end of the day, after all you dealt with today. I hope you get some sleep tonight and dream of your baby boy.
This is all I can write tonight. Poppy! (insert british accent here) is growing like crazy. I cannot believe I have a little one inside of me, growing away. I still don’t believe it’s real. Tonight, I don’t believe a lot of things are real as too much has happened. I woke up and pinched myself. And for the first time since losing you, it was because of all the good things that are happening. Not because of the bad.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. You are my best friend forever.
P.S. To my loveliest of loves tonight. Thank you for sitting with me for 6 freaking hours on a Friday Night. I am so thankful for you in the most beautiful ways. I could not dream up better friends.