In my spare time, I might have started up a little jewelry company called, “Spicy Monkey.” But it’s not official yet or anything.

I started making these bracelets for fun, as a way to occupy my mind on the nights I cannot sleep. I ended up going a little overboard and making hundreds. My friend Katie, at The Garage Boutique for Kids in Scottsdale, offered to let me do a little trunk show at her store. It’s this Thursday night from 7-9. Bring the girls and come on down! We’ll have cupcakes and a few other surprises. Cash or checks only please. Proceeds will go to The Ronan Thompson Foundation. The address is below. Hope to see you all there!! xxoo

7144 E Stetson Dr
Ste 255
Scottsdale, AZ 85251

Voting Ends Tomorrow. Please vote if you have not done so. Thank you!

Hi. Today, I have had 144,550 hits on my blog post from last night. If all of you viewing, voted for us via Facebook…. we could win this contest. If you don’t have a Facebook, I forgive you. If you do and have not voted, PLEASE DO SO! It’s so easy to do so, and would mean the world to us all working so hard to fight for Ronan and all these other babes, who deserve better! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. If you have already voted and hounded your friends to do the same as well, I thank you from the bottom of my very broken heart. I love you all. I love you, Ro baby.

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=location%7C%2Fcharity%2Fview%2Fein%2F27-3409074

Peach Cobbler for dinner? Yes, please.

 

 

 

Ronan. I miss you in ways that I sometimes think I will die from this pain. I honestly don’t know how my heart is still beating without you. Somedays, I wish it wasn’t. I thought for a while that these days were becoming less and less. I don’t think that is true anymore. I think I’ve been fooling myself thinking that I can actually be alright living without you. I’ll never be alright. I guess the best I can be is o.k. I still think about your last days a lot. I still look for you in every single grocery store. I still stop and stare at every single 3,4, and 5-year-old that passes my way, wishing for it to be you. I will say over and over again, that I’ll never ever understand any of this. The why you had to be taken away from me. I know with everything I am, that we were never supposed to be apart from one another. I know I won’t ever know the reason why, and the reason behind this all, would never be a good enough, even if there was an answer.

This being pregnant thing is fucking with me in a way that I didn’t really prepare myself for. How can I have this life living inside of me, when I myself, feel so dead? How can I be bringing a baby into this world, when you are not here to be a part of it? Would this really be what you wanted? What the hell am I doing? It’s too late to turn back time now, but this being pregnant thing is also making me deal with my grief in a way that I haven’t dealt with it much yet. By being still and quiet. I’m used to my still and quiet on top of an inferno mountain somewhere. Not at home, in bed, because I am too sick to get up and about. I spent the entire weekend in bed, due to extreme fatigue and nausea. I got up to go to your brothers basketball game, but that is about it. I have been sleeping alright, but having the hardest time waking up, mostly because I don’t want to. I wake up to the heaviness that I felt right after I lost you. The weight of having you gone is making me not want to wake up at all. Waking up to not having your kisses anymore is the cruelest thing in the world. I hate the mornings without you so much. I remember the way you would wake up so happy to be alive. Like every single day, was Christmas. There was never a grumpy Ronan morning. It was always the best day ever as you couldn’t wait to wake me up, to start the day. The days with you, were always my best, too. I always felt so lucky to have you, like you were too good to be true. How could this little soul complete me in a way, that I had never felt before? I didn’t question it. I was just always so thankful for it. You made me whole. You made me feel perfect. You made me feel the best I had ever felt in my life. You were an absolute gift to me in every way possible. And now I am just left here without you. That makes me so very sad, even on my “happiest,” of days.

I had a lot of meeting regarding your foundation last week. I did a lot of interviews, too. Although, I turned down a lot as well.  I wanted to handle this Taylor thing as gracefully as possible, not whore myself out to every thing that came my way. I also truthfully, just didn’t have the energy to do much more than I had agreed to do. All of the interviews left me so tired, that I could hardly make it through the days. I sat with your Sparkly after my days of going non-stop. I was shaking and tired. He looked at me. “I was worried about this happening. Your stress is through the roof. What’s going on?” I just sat, dumbfounded. “I feel like I’ve just lost him, all over again. I miss him so much, I’m so worried about him. Do you still dream about him? I never do.” I watched him watch me, as the tears slid down my cheeks. His eyes turned all watery and sad. “I do still dream about him. All of the time. I honestly feel like he is alright. You have to trust me on that.” “I’m scared about this baby. What if I don’t love it as much? I don’t feel anything for it now,” I said, looking down at the floor. Your Sparkly gave me one of his famous chuckles. “Well, for not feeling anything for it, you sure are feeling it a lot.” I guess I had been rubbing my belly a lot during our conversation in a way that I wasn’t even aware of. “Stop doing all of this nonsense that you always you. This being so hard on yourself. You are the best mother I’ve ever known. You are going to be wonderful with this baby, in the same way you are wonderful with Ro, and are with his brothers.” I whispered that I knew, but I just worry about things so much all the time. Things that I would have never worried about when I lived in our perfect little world when we were together. I miss that little world, so very much.

As I said before, I spent the weekend in bed which means I was determined NOT to spend the day in bed on this very annoyingly sunny, Monday today. I tossed and turned last night, pacing the house for you. I woke up early, around 5:30 a.m. I did some laundry. I packed your brothers lunches. I peaked in your room at your messed up bed that your daddy slept in on Friday and Saturday night, due to your little monkey brothers sleeping with me. I pushed the thoughts out of my head of you having been the one to mess up your bed, not your daddy. I fled this house as soon as I could, dropping your brothers off at school. I spent much of the day, in your daddy’s office, working on things.”What are you doing here,” someone in your daddy’s office asked. I just replied I couldn’t stand being home today, in our quiet house, without you. That’s my truth, every single day. I had an alright day. I almost fell asleep at the mexican food lunch I joined your daddy for. I pushed through it and picked up your brothers at school. We spent the rest of the day, getting homework done and spending time together. Your best daddy in the world came home with my groceries as all I wanted was Peach Cobbler for dinner. A total pregnancy craving. I whipped it up while your daddy helped me make dinner for everyone else. My peach cobbler deliciousness lasted for about an hour, but then I threw it all up. I can’t seem to win around here! Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

I have to end this here tonight, little one. I’m tired from my busy day. I do want to say a little thank you, tonight though. To everyone who has been voting for us via Facebook and sharing our voting page. We still need a lot of votes, so if you haven’t voted, PLEASE DO SO. I’m not above begging:)

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=ein|27-3409074|ref|1ee0b9047b

I also wanted to say thank you to all the beautiful emails and comments I have been getting. They make me smile and they make me cry. I am trying my best to answer them when I can, but please understand that I can only do so much in a day. I DO read them all and LOVE them all, so much. Also, thank you to that girl named Taylor for bringing so much love and light into this dark, dark world. I love you all.

And P.S. for all who are asking…no, I’m not taking any meds. Ever. I tried that a long time ago. It made everything 1000 times worse. It may work for some, but not for me. For me, there is no pill for having to live my life, without my child. I do not believe a pill for this kind of grief, is the answer. I am choosing to face this head on, no matter how hard it is and probably will always be. Ronan is worth all of my pain and I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this, only to someday have it ripped off which I think would probably do more damage later on down the road. That’s just my truth though. To each their own.

G’nite baby boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Thank you, Tara from The New York Times. She did a great job and was so thoughtful, kind, and respectful.

 

 

 

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/17/a-childs-cancer-story-inspires-taylor-swift/?smid=fb-share

I spent the whole weekend in bed…trying to get you all to vote, while barfing! Thank you to everyone who did. If you have not, please do! For Ro and all these kids who deserve better! xxoo

Our Foundation jumped into spot #41 this morning – Top 50! Currently, we have 2,870 votes, and would love a big push from now until Wednesday. Any money we might win will go to our dream of a world-class cancer center for KIDS. Keep voting & sharing! It only takes a couple of seconds!

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=ein|27-3409074|ref|1ee0b9047b

Here’s a really easy way to help us…

 

 

 

Some sweet soul, nominated us for this Chase Community Giving Program. We are a little late in the game, but we feel like we have a shot to make it in the top 10. It’s a lot of money that we could put to good use to help us build our dream Neuroblastoma Care and Research Center. Please consider voting for us and spreading the word. We are so thankful to the person who nominated us for this and so thankful to all of you for taking the time to vote for us! xxoo

 

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving?sk=app_162065369655

Tee shirts and Bracelets from our friends at Palmer Cash

 

 

We are in the process of getting some amazing Ronan things made up with our friends at Palmer Cash. In the mean time, you can order the tee’s that are left and Ronan’s bracelets. Here’s the link. Thanks lovies!

http://www.palmercash.com/p-5049-rockstar-ronan-bracelet.aspx

To the sweetest little Swifty’s…

 

You all are so beautiful and amazing. Thank you for all the love and support. To whomever drew this picture, I just wanted to say, it took my breath away. To me, it looks like an older version of Ronan. I often wonder, what he would look like at 5 years old. I think he would have looked a lot like this. You are so talented and this drawing is so beautiful. I miss my little man so much. He was perfect. Thank you for this. It tugged at my heart a lot.

xoxo

Dear Ronan, I’m freaking tired. Too tired to even name this post tonight.

Ronan. It is amazing to me, that because of one girl, the entire world seems to know your name now. I am getting so many emails, blog comments, phone calls, and all I am hearing is how much people are inspired by you. How better the world is going to be, because of you. I am trying my best to keep up on everything but today, I made myself stay inside of our house so I could try to get caught up on some things. I didn’t happen. I am so beyond beat that I am thinking I may have a baby vampire growing inside of my belly, because it is literally sucking the life out of me. I’m not used to this. I don’t do well with anything that slows me down and I am having a hard time just letting myself be with all of this. I’m not going to lie. I am scared about this new baby. I worry a lot about not feeling attached to it yet. I think that is normal, after you go through such a heavy loss. But this being pregnant thing only seems to make me miss you more and more. My heart feels a thousand times more heavy then it has in a very long time. Part of this doesn’t even feel real to me yet. And then there is that part of me that still thinks this baby is just going to die, because I know that can happen. I am trying to stay calm and relaxed, but I am consumed with constant worry and sadness. I worry about things like, what if I don’t love this baby, as much as I love you? Is that awful to say? It sounds awful. But in my mind, I cannot imagine loving something as much as you. As of now, anyway. I worry that I won’t be able to be a good mom anymore, because I am so sad. I am trying so hard with Liam and Quinn, but it doesn’t come as easily to me as it used to. I think that is still the grief part of all of this.

Somebody said to me, “You are famous now.” I just replied with a simple, “No I’m not. I’m just a sad mom who lost who son and who would do anything to have him back. I almost threw up at that famous word. Famous because my son died and some beautiful girl wrote a song about him? No. Not famous. Just a mom who is in a very sad world now and someone very sweet decided to do something very beautiful because she has such a wonderful heart. I’m not sure quite what to do with all this attention. I just want it to all go to the awareness that childhood cancer needs, deserves and wants. I want our story to inspire kids to become doctors, who will do everything they can, to change the awful statistics, outcomes and treatments of childhood cancer. I want our story to inspire nurses to go into pediatric oncology, because these kids deserve to have the best people taking care of them with the biggest hearts. I want our story to inspire people to become child life specialists who really will make a difference in bringing a smile to a child’s face. I want our story to impact people in such a way that they follow their hearts and listen to their dreams no matter how many people try to stop them or hold them back. I want all this “fame,” to go to where it deserves to go to. To the real heroes of this story, the kids battling cancer. That is what I want. This spotlight is not for me, but them. This scary world where childhood cancer gets such little support and funding. Childhood Cancer is the number one disease killer in children. I know this the hard way. I am reminded of this every second of every single day. This HAS to change for these other kids. Why is it acceptable that we are just throwing away our future? You would have grown up to be something so amazing, Ronan. I just know this. But now, I’ll never get to see this. I will never get over this or “get better,” from this. You don’t get better from losing a child. You learn to live with it and fight on because you are left here to change this for others.

  • Nationally, childhood cancer is 20x more prevalent than pediatric AIDS.
  • Pediatric AIDS receives 4x the funding that childhood cancer receives.
  • In one month there are 2x as many deaths from childhood cancer as pediatric AIDS for the entire year.
  • In the U.S. almost 3,000 children do not survive cancer each year.
  • Over the past 20 years, only TWO new cancer drug has been approved for pediatric use – Clofarabine (Clolar-Genzyme) in 2004 for ALL and Tenoposide (Vumar/VM-26-BMS) in 1990.
  • Only 3% of the National Cancer Institute Budget goes toward Pediatric Cancer Research.
  • September is Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month, which nationally goes unrecognized.
  • The federal government recently cut the budget for Childhood Cancer Research.
  • Currently there are between 30 – 40,000 children undergoing cancer treatment in the U.S.
  • Young patients often have a more advanced stage of cancer when first diagnosed. Approximately 20% of adults with cancer show evidence the disease has spread, yet almost 80% of children show that the cancer has spread at diagnosis.
  • Today, up to 75% of the children with cancer can be cured, yet some forms of childhood cancer have proven so resistant to treatment that, in spite of research, a cure is illusive.
  • As a nation, we spend over $14 BILLION per year on the space program, but only $35 million on Childhood Cancer Research each year.
  • There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every one child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.
  • The National Cancer Institute’s (NCI) federal budget for 2003 was $4.6 billion. Of that, breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7%, and all 12 major groups of pediatric cancers combined received less than 3%.
  • Research funds are scarce as most money is diverted to well-publicized adult forms of cancer, such as breast and prostate.
  • In 2005, the American Cancer Society provided only 2.5% of funded grants, or 1.85% of dollars spent on research to pediatric cancer

If somebody had changed these things years ago, you may still be here. Now you are not here, and it’s my job to help do this so maybe someday another little boy or girl does not have to die from Neuroblastoma. Maybe if this disease gets the attention it deserves, breakthroughs will be made and the odds will not be stacked against these kids. That’s my hope for all of this anyway. I am moving forward with my plan. It’s a big one and if I actually sat down to think about my dream and what it is, I’m wanting to do… it might scare the shit out of me. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to sit down and be scared or worried that I am taking too much on because kids are dying left and right. That is unfucking acceptable. You died. That is the most unfuckingacceptable thing of all.

I am tired in a way that I don’t remember being tired in my life, ever. Did I mention that I am not a fan of being pregnant? I never have been. I would rather fast forward and give birth a thousand times than feel like this. I hope there comes a point where I get my energy back again. I don’t like being slowed down in any way. I am trying my best to listen to my body. My mind is restless but my body is exhausted. I woke up last night to one of the worst dreams that I’ve had in a long time. That any memory I had of you, was totally and completely gone. Like you had been erased from all of my thoughts, visions, and dream. It felt so real. I woke up with my pillow soaked with tears, scrambling to find you. I then had to remember that you died as I tried to put together in my head, what it was like when you were here. Please don’t let me forget I thought to myself. Please. My memories of him are all I have left. I would die without them. I spent the rest of today being completely thrown off by my dream of not being able to remember you. I’m still in a funk from it.

I fell asleep early tonight, but I’m up now. I would give anything for a solid, peaceful night of sleep. I would give anything, for a lot of things like having you back here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I wish you were here.

xoxo

P.S. Fuck Cancer you fucking fuckwad for murdering my baby.

You were absolutely, my best four years.

Ronan. Yesterday, it was 16 months without you. It seems like 16 years. I meant to write, but I was so wiped out that I could not even form a thought or hold my head up for that matter. Due to this little Poppy growing in my tummy, I have been spending a lot of time with my head in the toilet bowl. So much has happened. I’ll go back to Thursday I suppose. It had been a whole week since I had been keeping the Taylor secret. I was proud of myself for doing such a good job. I was on the phone with one of her people, that has been so kindly guiding me through all of this. I was sitting on our bathroom floor, next to my bathtub where I used to love to bathe you. I said to Taylor’s friend, “I have so many questions, but do you know what the biggest one is? I don’t even know the name of the song. Can you tell it to me?” He paused for a minute. “I can tell it to you, but I’m just going to make you cry more.” “Hit me with it,” I said. “I’m ready.” It was quiet for a few more seconds. “Ronan,” he said. I think I blacked out for a few seconds. I was not prepared for that answer. “What?” I whispered? “She named the song, Ronan?” “She did,” he said to me. Once again, I went into shock. She could have named the song anything. But she didn’t. This was the ultimate tribute to you. I hung up after a few more minutes, the tears pouring down my cheeks still. I emailed my board members and it went a little something like this.

Subject: I know the name of the song…

Ronan.

That’s all I said. The phone calls came next. I picked up for Stacy. She was in the middle of a meeting and had to get up and leave, due to the snot pouring of our her nose. I don’t think we said much at first, we just listened to each other cry. When words were formed, it went a little something like, “I can’t believe she did that. But of course she did that, because it is perfect and pure and heartfelt, just like everything else this girl does. But I still cannot believe she named the song after him. Everyone is going to know his name.” We sat in silence for a few more minutes as we were both crying so hard we couldn’t compose ourselves enough to even talk. I drove to your daddy’s office to sit with him about this. We both were a teary eyed mess. This was Thursday. It was a lot to take in and a lot to wrap my head around. I fell asleep that night so exhausted from all the crying, but I only slept for a few hours. I was woken up by a text message around 3:45 a.m. Katie sent me a text saying, “I think the story has leaked.” Her text message included a picture of an online story with the name of Taylor’s new song, “Ronan.” I jumped out of bed. “Shit!” I didn’t know if this was the way this was supposed to play out. My phone started blowing up with text messages and phone calls. I tried to remain calm. Focus. Deep breaths. It’s Friday. Taylor’s song is on tonight. You have a big day ahead of you. Shower. Get boys up. Make breakfast. Boys off to school like it is just another normal day, not a totally insane is this really happening day. House is quiet. Heather stopped by. Mandy Bee stopped by too. Did I forget to mention it started pouring down rain earlier in the morning? Not just a slight drizzle, but buckets of rain as if the sky had opened up. I went out and danced in the rain for you and blew kisses up to the sky. I know the rain was from you. It always is. The weather peeps on TV were so puzzled by this downpour. I felt like calling them up and saying, “Hello, it’s just my son, Ronan, crying his thousands of tears for me, on this very emotional day. He always does this for me, on the days I need it the most because he knows the rain makes me smile.” I was sitting there, watching the rain, when Fernanda showed up.

I opened the door, flew into her arms, and nuzzled into her neck, the way I used to do with you. I always do this to her. We held each other for a few minutes and both cried. We talked all about the rain and how it is proof that you are right here with us. Always. My keeper of the best rainy days that exist on the days that I need them most. After that, it was operation get Maya the fuck out of the house, because here comes the media. I was swept off like a fugitive to a secret location so we could deal with the storm that was headed our way. And I’m not just talking about the weather. The rest of the day was spent dealing with phone calls, website stuff, emails, all while we watched the rain continue to pour down. I was running off a few hours of sleep, not to mention Poppy had sucked all the life out of me as well, but I just rolled through my exhaustion into the Taylor Swift night. We gathered with some close friends, huddled around some TV’s to watch Taylor’s performance. Everyone was crying, before Taylor even took the stage, to sing. I sat close to your daddy, gripping his hand for dear life. I watched as Taylor came on the screen. I had a moment of panic wash over me. “No, no, no. I’m not ready for this.” I took a deep breath. I looked at your daddy, his eyes were already watering. I think I left my body at this point. I couldn’t even focus on the words that were coming out of Taylor’s mouth. All I could see was the raw emotion, sadness, beauty, and pain that filled her face. She looked like an angel. At this point, I’m pretty sure I had snot dripping down my face and my mascara had completely washed off, leaving black streaks running down my cheeks. The song ended. I was frozen. I looked at Taylor’s eyes on that screen. She gets this in a way that so many others do not. Her eyes burned into my soul and it was if I could feel every ounce of emotion that she was displaying on T.V. and she could feel mine. I looked at your daddy and said, “Was the song good?” I was so removed from myself at this point and distracted by the way Taylor looked, singing our words, that I couldn’t even form an opinion. I shouldn’t even have asked the question because it was obvious from looking around the room that the song was not only good, but it was absolute perfection, in the purest form possible. I somehow made it through the next hour. It was time to go and I got into the car with your daddy and brothers. We drove off to get food as we were all starving. We took my iPhone and put Taylor’s song on in the car, to listen to it once again, as a family. I held your daddy’s hand as I listened to Taylor’s words. I looked out the window. It had started raining again. Of course it had. The rain matched the tears that were once again, pouring down my cheeks, perfectly. Those lyrics. My words. She got them so perfectly right. Every single little detail about your life and your death. The way she portrayed my grieving, broken heart. “Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say…” All the little details, meant so much to me. She was the one meant to sing your song. Nobody else, could have made it complete and utter magic while filling it with such raw sadness and beauty. I truly believe you picked her to do this, Ronan. There is a reason she could not forget about you and your big blue eyes, that is beyond just Taylor and myself. I truly believe this is all you and Taylor listening to heart, which has turned this song into what I think, is the best song of her life. I am so moved by her and the vulnerability she displayed while singing this song. That took it to an entirely different level for me.

We all went to dinner, like the perfect little family I know we look like. The perfect little family with the biggest piece of the puzzle missing that the strangers in the restaurant cannot see. I wonder how they do not see the blatant pain on all of our faces that always seem to be there. I always feel like I am walking around with one of my arms chopped off. You know I have a hard time sitting in restaurants now. I try my hardest to tune out the conversations around us. Lots of people complaining about things that I will never complain about again. Lots of laugher fills the room, but it’s not coming from our table. Our table is one of sadness, with moments of smiles here and there, moments of talking about you and what an awesome little basketball player you would have been this year. Tears fall. I wipe them away before your brothers see. Thoughts of Taylor fill my head and the gift of eternal life she has just given to us, fill me with a bittersweet calmness that I’m not used to feeling anymore. That is the gift she has given to us. A way to keep you alive in the hearts of millions, that I would have never been able to reach. She is giving so many, the gift of you and our story, that is so worthy of knowing. The story of true love and how powerful it can be when it comes from such a pure place. How good things can come from the worst thing imaginable happening if one chooses to gather strength from it, instead of letting it destroy them like it can so easily do. I wonder what the people reading this on here, are thinking. The one’s who gave up on me during my darkest hours. The one’s who told me things like this story was like watching a bad car accident, but they couldn’t look away. The one’s that told me I was a train wreck waiting to happen. The one’s that told me they couldn’t wait for the day your daddy came to his senses and up and left me, due to all the awful things they thought I was doing, which was being open and honest about how painful it is to try to get through something like this. The one’s who told me my heart was ugly, black and broken and how it would never heal. The one’s who told me I was not going to do anything with this because I am a selfish person. The one’s who told me they could not longer support you or me, due to the nature of all of this. I wonder if this story, now makes them cry because of how it’s changed shape and form and is turning into something so beautiful right in front of their very eyes. I hope this story has changed their hearts. I hope this story opens their eyes to some very important things, like how just having simple compassion for human beings who are hurting so badly from the worst pain imaginable, can go such a very long way. It’s one of the reasons I am still here and continue to fight this fight. Because of the compassion and love that fills my life in the form of friends, family, strangers, and now Taylor. That Taylor Swift believes in us so much, she wrote a song just for you. To me, that tells me what I am doing is right. That by listening to my heart in this journey, there are no limits to how far this can take us. To the moon and back, right Ro? I have big plans for us. The biggest. Thanks for never letting go of my hand. I love you so much, little man.

I must go. I am beyond beat. I spent most of the weekend lying low for all the beautiful things that I know are going to keep me busy in the weeks to come. I had a date with Liam on Saturday. He is the sweetest. What kind of 9-year-old, knows to open his mama’s car door for her, when she is getting in the driver’s seat after a movie date? The kind of 9-year-old that has a daddy like yours. The best. I missed you so much when he did that for me. It made me so sad to know that is something you will never do. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll

xoxo