Seriously, Taylor Swift. I could not love you more.

 

 

Your daddy said it best tonight, Ronan after watching this. You would be so proud. You were always so proud. I am so proud of you and everything you stand for. I promise to try my hardest to do such good things in this world. Thank you, Taylor, for seeing the beauty in my child and falling in love with him so much so, that you wrote him a song. You are simply amazing. I know he is so proud of you and your heart.

http://youtu.be/gXYVulAXbKI

Also, did you know we have a Foundation website, all you new readers? You should check it out. I’m super proud of it and the people on my board who are working so hard 24/7.

 

 

http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/

In my spare time, I might have started up a little jewelry company called, “Spicy Monkey.” But it’s not official yet or anything.

I started making these bracelets for fun, as a way to occupy my mind on the nights I cannot sleep. I ended up going a little overboard and making hundreds. My friend Katie, at The Garage Boutique for Kids in Scottsdale, offered to let me do a little trunk show at her store. It’s this Thursday night from 7-9. Bring the girls and come on down! We’ll have cupcakes and a few other surprises. Cash or checks only please. Proceeds will go to The Ronan Thompson Foundation. The address is below. Hope to see you all there!! xxoo

7144 E Stetson Dr
Ste 255
Scottsdale, AZ 85251

Voting Ends Tomorrow. Please vote if you have not done so. Thank you!

Hi. Today, I have had 144,550 hits on my blog post from last night. If all of you viewing, voted for us via Facebook…. we could win this contest. If you don’t have a Facebook, I forgive you. If you do and have not voted, PLEASE DO SO! It’s so easy to do so, and would mean the world to us all working so hard to fight for Ronan and all these other babes, who deserve better! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. If you have already voted and hounded your friends to do the same as well, I thank you from the bottom of my very broken heart. I love you all. I love you, Ro baby.

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=location%7C%2Fcharity%2Fview%2Fein%2F27-3409074

Peach Cobbler for dinner? Yes, please.

 

 

 

Ronan. I miss you in ways that I sometimes think I will die from this pain. I honestly don’t know how my heart is still beating without you. Somedays, I wish it wasn’t. I thought for a while that these days were becoming less and less. I don’t think that is true anymore. I think I’ve been fooling myself thinking that I can actually be alright living without you. I’ll never be alright. I guess the best I can be is o.k. I still think about your last days a lot. I still look for you in every single grocery store. I still stop and stare at every single 3,4, and 5-year-old that passes my way, wishing for it to be you. I will say over and over again, that I’ll never ever understand any of this. The why you had to be taken away from me. I know with everything I am, that we were never supposed to be apart from one another. I know I won’t ever know the reason why, and the reason behind this all, would never be a good enough, even if there was an answer.

This being pregnant thing is fucking with me in a way that I didn’t really prepare myself for. How can I have this life living inside of me, when I myself, feel so dead? How can I be bringing a baby into this world, when you are not here to be a part of it? Would this really be what you wanted? What the hell am I doing? It’s too late to turn back time now, but this being pregnant thing is also making me deal with my grief in a way that I haven’t dealt with it much yet. By being still and quiet. I’m used to my still and quiet on top of an inferno mountain somewhere. Not at home, in bed, because I am too sick to get up and about. I spent the entire weekend in bed, due to extreme fatigue and nausea. I got up to go to your brothers basketball game, but that is about it. I have been sleeping alright, but having the hardest time waking up, mostly because I don’t want to. I wake up to the heaviness that I felt right after I lost you. The weight of having you gone is making me not want to wake up at all. Waking up to not having your kisses anymore is the cruelest thing in the world. I hate the mornings without you so much. I remember the way you would wake up so happy to be alive. Like every single day, was Christmas. There was never a grumpy Ronan morning. It was always the best day ever as you couldn’t wait to wake me up, to start the day. The days with you, were always my best, too. I always felt so lucky to have you, like you were too good to be true. How could this little soul complete me in a way, that I had never felt before? I didn’t question it. I was just always so thankful for it. You made me whole. You made me feel perfect. You made me feel the best I had ever felt in my life. You were an absolute gift to me in every way possible. And now I am just left here without you. That makes me so very sad, even on my “happiest,” of days.

I had a lot of meeting regarding your foundation last week. I did a lot of interviews, too. Although, I turned down a lot as well.  I wanted to handle this Taylor thing as gracefully as possible, not whore myself out to every thing that came my way. I also truthfully, just didn’t have the energy to do much more than I had agreed to do. All of the interviews left me so tired, that I could hardly make it through the days. I sat with your Sparkly after my days of going non-stop. I was shaking and tired. He looked at me. “I was worried about this happening. Your stress is through the roof. What’s going on?” I just sat, dumbfounded. “I feel like I’ve just lost him, all over again. I miss him so much, I’m so worried about him. Do you still dream about him? I never do.” I watched him watch me, as the tears slid down my cheeks. His eyes turned all watery and sad. “I do still dream about him. All of the time. I honestly feel like he is alright. You have to trust me on that.” “I’m scared about this baby. What if I don’t love it as much? I don’t feel anything for it now,” I said, looking down at the floor. Your Sparkly gave me one of his famous chuckles. “Well, for not feeling anything for it, you sure are feeling it a lot.” I guess I had been rubbing my belly a lot during our conversation in a way that I wasn’t even aware of. “Stop doing all of this nonsense that you always you. This being so hard on yourself. You are the best mother I’ve ever known. You are going to be wonderful with this baby, in the same way you are wonderful with Ro, and are with his brothers.” I whispered that I knew, but I just worry about things so much all the time. Things that I would have never worried about when I lived in our perfect little world when we were together. I miss that little world, so very much.

As I said before, I spent the weekend in bed which means I was determined NOT to spend the day in bed on this very annoyingly sunny, Monday today. I tossed and turned last night, pacing the house for you. I woke up early, around 5:30 a.m. I did some laundry. I packed your brothers lunches. I peaked in your room at your messed up bed that your daddy slept in on Friday and Saturday night, due to your little monkey brothers sleeping with me. I pushed the thoughts out of my head of you having been the one to mess up your bed, not your daddy. I fled this house as soon as I could, dropping your brothers off at school. I spent much of the day, in your daddy’s office, working on things.”What are you doing here,” someone in your daddy’s office asked. I just replied I couldn’t stand being home today, in our quiet house, without you. That’s my truth, every single day. I had an alright day. I almost fell asleep at the mexican food lunch I joined your daddy for. I pushed through it and picked up your brothers at school. We spent the rest of the day, getting homework done and spending time together. Your best daddy in the world came home with my groceries as all I wanted was Peach Cobbler for dinner. A total pregnancy craving. I whipped it up while your daddy helped me make dinner for everyone else. My peach cobbler deliciousness lasted for about an hour, but then I threw it all up. I can’t seem to win around here! Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

I have to end this here tonight, little one. I’m tired from my busy day. I do want to say a little thank you, tonight though. To everyone who has been voting for us via Facebook and sharing our voting page. We still need a lot of votes, so if you haven’t voted, PLEASE DO SO. I’m not above begging:)

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=ein|27-3409074|ref|1ee0b9047b

I also wanted to say thank you to all the beautiful emails and comments I have been getting. They make me smile and they make me cry. I am trying my best to answer them when I can, but please understand that I can only do so much in a day. I DO read them all and LOVE them all, so much. Also, thank you to that girl named Taylor for bringing so much love and light into this dark, dark world. I love you all.

And P.S. for all who are asking…no, I’m not taking any meds. Ever. I tried that a long time ago. It made everything 1000 times worse. It may work for some, but not for me. For me, there is no pill for having to live my life, without my child. I do not believe a pill for this kind of grief, is the answer. I am choosing to face this head on, no matter how hard it is and probably will always be. Ronan is worth all of my pain and I am not going to put a band-aid on all of this, only to someday have it ripped off which I think would probably do more damage later on down the road. That’s just my truth though. To each their own.

G’nite baby boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Thank you, Tara from The New York Times. She did a great job and was so thoughtful, kind, and respectful.

 

 

 

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/17/a-childs-cancer-story-inspires-taylor-swift/?smid=fb-share

I spent the whole weekend in bed…trying to get you all to vote, while barfing! Thank you to everyone who did. If you have not, please do! For Ro and all these kids who deserve better! xxoo

Our Foundation jumped into spot #41 this morning – Top 50! Currently, we have 2,870 votes, and would love a big push from now until Wednesday. Any money we might win will go to our dream of a world-class cancer center for KIDS. Keep voting & sharing! It only takes a couple of seconds!

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving/app_162065369655?cv=2&app_data=ein|27-3409074|ref|1ee0b9047b

Here’s a really easy way to help us…

 

 

 

Some sweet soul, nominated us for this Chase Community Giving Program. We are a little late in the game, but we feel like we have a shot to make it in the top 10. It’s a lot of money that we could put to good use to help us build our dream Neuroblastoma Care and Research Center. Please consider voting for us and spreading the word. We are so thankful to the person who nominated us for this and so thankful to all of you for taking the time to vote for us! xxoo

 

https://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving?sk=app_162065369655

Tee shirts and Bracelets from our friends at Palmer Cash

 

 

We are in the process of getting some amazing Ronan things made up with our friends at Palmer Cash. In the mean time, you can order the tee’s that are left and Ronan’s bracelets. Here’s the link. Thanks lovies!

http://www.palmercash.com/p-5049-rockstar-ronan-bracelet.aspx

Wake up, throw up, go back to bed.

 

 

 

 

Ronan. I am not used to living a life where I am physically chained to my bed. That’s how it’s been this past week. I cannot seem to function. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. I’m used to being the energizer bunny. Go, go, go. Get this done. On to the next. No sleep needed. No eating required. Crazy workouts. Although my routine seemed crazy to most, I felt like I thrived in it. Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. I wake up exhausted. Throw up. Get a few more things done. Lay down again. It’s fucking depressing, to say the least. Your daddy keeps telling me that I’m wiped out due to growing a home for your baby brother or sister. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. I don’t do well with things that slow me down. I miss my workouts. I miss being on the go 24/7. But most of all, I miss you. I got up to do a few things yesterday. I went to see Dr. JoRo. We talked about a lot of stuff. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. I told her the awful dream I had about you and how my memory of you was completely gone. I could hardly get that story out without choking on my tears. I left her office, feeling tired and sad.

I came home and fell into a deep sleep. I’m telling you, it’s all I can seem to do lately. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. “Is this normal? I don’t think this is normal. Do you think I’m dying? I think I’m dying.” He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. I listened to him like I always do. He always knows best. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Especially when I have to be at home, in this fucking quiet house, without you. I’ve spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. Now I feel like I am in prison. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldn’t ruin it. You have no idea how glad I am you didn’t listen to me on that one. It’s one of my only drawings I have of yours. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. I don’t remember it being this way with you and your brothers, but your daddy says he does. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. I know this is what you would want. But it still feels a little like a betrayal to you. Your daddy keeps reminding me how much you wanted a brother or sister. And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever. I don’t think you ever knew you were going to die, Ronan. I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I can’t take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. There is no better place, then here with me. NOWHERE. I will never be o.k. with you being somewhere else. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. Not the other way around. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. You should have been the one, watching me die from old age. I should to have been the one watching you die at only almost 4 years old. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I won’t fail you or let you down. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. A mother doesn’t survive something like this. I didn’t survive this. I died when you died. I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now… by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. I continue on because I know that you want me to make this better for others. It’s not my choice, it’s yours. I choose to live to honor you and everything you stood for which was strength, courage, and fearlessness. I live on, for you because I love you so much. Everything I do is for you.

I came home yesterday to the sweetest thing on our porch. It was a balloon with a card and a little baggie attached to it. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. They had spent the last 4 days, selling cake pops and had made about $73 dollars. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. What amazing little girls. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. If that wasn’t enough to make me cry, the next thing was. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. Then the next letter, from a mom, who’s husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. My cheeks were soaked with tears after being hit with those 3 things. Thank you, sweet strangers. I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. I am going to build something amazing with it. Something unlike anything that has ever been done before. Something these families and kids so deserve when going through something like this. This will be your legacy, Ronan. This will be how you live on and help others. This is my purpose.

Your daddy went out last night. I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. They kept coming in to check on me. I was out cold. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. “Goodnight, mommy. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan.” Quinn said. Liam chimed in, too. “Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro.” I managed to say. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. I punched a pillow and went back to sleep. I am awake now. It’s early in the day… around 5 a.m. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. I know this would be your sport too, if you were still here.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll.

xoxo