Secret Bad-Ass 1 a.m. Cancer Fighters… (says Rita)

Ronan. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. How could I with all that is going on? I didn’t sleep last night and I spent all day today, running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. No time for sleep when too many things are happening. But for once, it’s all good things. As in things that I know you are behind as I am feeling you everywhere. This could only be you, working so hard to help me with everything I want to do in this childhood cancer world.

I took your brothers to Dr. Rachel yesterday. It was the first time Liam has seen her. It’s Quinn that I have been having go. I left Liam with Dr. Rachel for a half and hour session. As soon as she opened the door, I saw the look on her face and my heart dropped to the floor. She mouthed the words, “OhMYGod,” to me. I went in to sit with Liam and her to talk about what it is, that took place. She said that Liam has so many feelings about you, that he doesn’t know how to talk about or how to let out. She said he cried a lot and needed a lot of hugs. This as a mom, killed me. It made me feel like the biggest failure. Liam snuggled up to me and let me hold him while he just cried. I kissed his head and told him how proud I was of him for talking about everything. He then left the room so I  could talk to Dr. Rachel alone about what went on. She said she could not believe how fast he opened up to her and how he just let out all of his sadness. I told her how I can see him holding it in, but how I cannot get him to let it out with me. She talked about how he needs a safe place to come, to talk about things and how next time she would like a whole hour with him. I totally agreed. That lady, has a gift with your brothers. It’s crazy. I’ve never seen them both open up so quickly to a stranger. I am so glad we found her and she is a great fit for your brothers. I think this therapy is going to help them so much. I can’t have them keeping this all inside. They need to talk about everything with an outsider who can help them navigate this, in a way that your dad and I cannot.

It’s so late. I honestly have the best friends in the world who love you so much. Who gives up a Friday Night to sit at our kitchen table for 6 hours to work on foundation things with me because we have so much to do? My friends who love you so much. Melissa sat in your seat tonight, at the dinner table. I was so glad to have her there. You have only brought the most beautiful people to us, Ronan. I am amazed every single day at the people you are surrounding us with. It’s such a powerful thing to watch.

It was Ezra’s birthday today. Or now, yesterday I guess. I called his mom to make sure she was o.k. Of course she was not. I let her cry on the phone to me and I cried with her. I then pulled it together to tell her how amazing she is and how she needs to stop being so hard on herself. She sounds like someone else I know. Robyn, I love you with all of my heart. I PROMISE you, together, we will fix this disease for these kids and families. I swear to you with everything that I have left that childhood cancer is going to change. We are going to help to save so many lives with our hearts, dreams, and minds, with all of Ronan and Ezra, guiding us every step of the way. I’m sorry today was so hard. I wish I could have been with you. But I am so proud of you for still dancing at the end of the day, after all you dealt with today. I hope you get some sleep tonight and dream of your baby boy.

This is all I can write tonight. Poppy! (insert british accent here) is growing like crazy. I cannot believe I have a little one inside of me, growing away. I still don’t believe it’s real. Tonight, I don’t believe a lot of things are real as too much has happened. I woke up and pinched myself. And for the first time since losing you, it was because of all the good things that are happening. Not because of the bad.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. You are my best friend forever.

P.S. To my loveliest of loves tonight. Thank you for sitting with me for 6 freaking hours on a Friday Night. I am so thankful for you in the most beautiful ways. I could not dream up better friends.

xoxo