Tell Me Why (Maya’s Song)

 

 

 

Ronan. I know I tell you all the time, that we have the most amazing love and support which I am so grateful for. This girl, Brooke, sent me a message on Twitter the other day, telling me that she had written a song for me. You know how I love music. I sat at your Nana and Papa’s house, in my old bedroom and clicked on the link that she sent.

Ummm. OMG. I was not prepared for the tears that followed. I bawled. Like a baby. I thought is was so thoughtful and her words, were so beautiful.

Thanks, Brooke. You are truly a talented soul. I hope all your wishes and dreams come true in life.

Meet our friend, Ezra.

If you are in L.A. and want to go to a great event, here is one coming up. Though this shitty ass world, we have come to know some amazing people. Our friends, Kyle and Robyn, are having an event in L.A. and Woody and I will be attending to show our love and support.  They have been through so much and are living the same nightmare, right here with us. I am so proud of them for all they are doing to make this world a better place. I hope to see you there!

http://becauseofezra.org/blog/2012/04/07/1st-annual-karaoke-for-kids-august-23rd-sls-hotel-in-la/

We are home. Without you. I miss you.

Ronan. This trip was exactly what we needed. We are going back to AZ today and I think everyone is a little sad to leave. Your brothers are already planning their fall break and are both begging to come back to see your Nana/Papa/Bri/Derrick/Cindy and Tim. I think it sounds like a great idea. This place makes them happy. It was a great couple of weeks just letting them be boys and enjoy everything the Pacific Northwest has to offer. This place is so serene and peaceful for all of us. I am so thankful to your Nana and Papa for making our time her so special and taking such good care of us. They have always been this way though. Letting us take over their house and invade their entire world for a however long we want, makes them so happy. I know they miss us so much when we are away and the time to them with each other, is always so precious.

We spent the last couple of days just doing simple things. A lot of hide and go seek, baseball, and yesterday we went with some friends on their boat. I remember last year when my whole town came together and built this huge float for you for one of the parades in town during the holidays. They worked so hard on it and I don’t know if I ever even said thank you. I hate that. I hope I did, but if I didn’t I would like to now. A huge thank you to everyone who was involved last year with this massive project. The love from my hometown for you, Ro, has been incredible. I saw the float yesterday, or pieces of it rather. After the parade, the float had to be taken apart but my friend, Jen, could not just throw out of the wood decorated with all things¬†Rockstar all over it. She saved it all and had her lovie and a friend take it out to a place where they fish and camp. They built a fishing shack out of the fort. She took me up to it yesterday to see it while we were on their boat. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and I kept it together pretty well until she gave me a big marker to sign it as everyone does who comes to their special spot. I wrote Maya & Ro with a big heart around our names. I lost it after that and ended up bawling. Jen saw my tears through my very well covered sunglasses eyes. She grabbed me and held on to me for a few minutes. I was flooded with thoughts of I can’t believe my baby is not here and his name is now all over a wall to I can’t believe how lucky I am to have such thoughtful caring people in my life who will never let you be forgotten. As always, it was bittersweet. Most things in this life are without you now. I spent the next couple of hours watching your brothers play, laugh and love. It was a good day as far as good days go now. It was a good day with my dear friend who I got to watch in her new life now. She is finally so happy and that makes my heart happy. She deserves it.

I have about 50 million things that I have been wanting to post/write/say on here, but I just haven’t taken the time. I really needed to take a little break from this cancer world that I still live, eat, and breathe in. I didn’t do much foundation work while I was here. I know how this world works and how easy it is to get burnt out. I can’t burn out as I have too much to do which is why I have to make myself take time outs even though I think I can keep going non-stop. It’s hard for me to take breaks in this world now. I feel like when I do, I’m not taking care of you. I have to have a lot of conversations in my head talking to myself about the importance of a break here and there. I have to constantly tell myself that you would not be mad at me for living and doing normal things that don’t always involve all things cancer related. Doing normal things still feels wrong to me. I have a hard time with normal everyday life, without you. I know I am hard on myself but I think it’s just my nature to be this way. I think I’ve always been this way but since losing you, I know I beat myself a lot more then I used to. I am aware of this. I just don’t know what to do about it.

I don’t even know where to start with what it is, I am about to say. LoRo. I’ll just start with LoRo. Her name is Lauren but the nickname, LoRo was made up for her due to her undying love for you. I’m not sure how or when she found out about you, but at some point we starting talking via email/text messages. She is 18, but not your average 18-year-old. She has been spending most of her teenaged years, in this cancer world, doing and helping other kids. At some point, she heard about you and fell in love with you and our story. She is constantly making me these amazing pictures on Photoshop of you and is always wanting to help with whatever I need. She is the one that made your Ronan’s Day of Love flyer. I’ll ask something of her and 2 minutes later, it is done. The 18-year-old girl who has been making this world a better place with her sweet heart, for a very long time. She has become someone who I love, even though we’ve never actually met. I had heard through her and from a few other people last week that she had to go to the hospital, for not feeling well. I didn’t know until yesterday, how serious it might be. They found a tumor in her stomach. Next week, August 8th, they are going in to remove one of her ovaries and from that point it will be biopsied to determine if it is cancer or not. I am literally sick to my stomach over every single part of this. I talked to her mom yesterday who is basically is complete and utter shock. I talked to LoRo as well who told me in her sweetest voice that she was not worried as she feels like you are watching over her. I told her I knew you were too and which is why I am not panicking. This cannot happen to a girl who has spent much of her life, helping kids with cancer, right? It just cannot. That would be the sickest of the sick, Ronan. I mean none of this world makes sense. No child deceives this. But LoRo? Not acceptable and as of now, I am holding my breath and biting my tongue. It has to be nothing. If all of you lovely little blog readers could just keep our LoRo in your thoughts, prayers, or whatever else you do, I would really appreciate it. Ronan. You know what I am asking of you. Thank you, baby.

I will keep you all updated on LoRo, but if you are on Twitter, and want to follow her, you can do so, here:

https://twitter.com/thelightholder

I started this a few days ago. We are home. I am doing my best. Your daddy worked so hard to make sure everything was perfect for us, to come home to. He even had our bed made (one of my pet peeves is an unmade bed) He is the sweetest. I didn’t even have to say it, he did. “Everything would be perfect, if Ronan were here.” He is right. That will forever be our truth.

I’m going to go now, babydoll. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

I would like to go back to reality… never.

Ronan. I am always nervous when going to places that I have been with you before and having to return to them, once again without you. I was nervous to come here, as I never know how I’ll actually do. I have only the best memories of being here with you as your Nana and Papa’s was one of your favorite places to go. We didn’t come here last summer. I thought it would have been too painful. I think anything last year, was too painful. Coming out here, this summer with your brothers was the right thing to do. They have spent the past few weeks, in utter bliss. I have not seen them so happy, since before you were sick. It has been a little healing to my heart. How could it not be? I want your brothers to be happy. I needed to see them this way, for my own healing as well. I may never be happy again, Ronan. I can be o.k. with that, as long as your brothers are happy. I can live my happiness through them.

This place, will always be home to me. It will always be my favorite place. It is good for my heart, mind, body and soul. It has been a good trip, even under our harsh circumstances. You know what I got while I was here, Ronan? Nothing but pure love. What do you mean, I can walk around and not be judged for what it is I think, feel, say or act? Where are all the people, glaring at me with their hash, cold pretend eyes? Where are all the whispers?They don’t exist here. I get smiles. I get we are proud of you. I get you are doing a good job. I get your name brought up, everywhere. You are not swept under the rug. You are not forgotten because life just goes on. You are not in a better place. You were not part of a bigger plan. This did not happen for a reason. There is no reason for this and everybody here, knows that. Here, it is simple. It’s unconditional love, trust, support and no judgements. The only way a bereaved parent, should be treated. I am thankful to my family for trusting in me that I would find my way, and emerge from my hole, when I was ready. I am sure that hole will always exist for me, Ronan. But not once have I wanted to crawl in it here. I have spent the past few weeks soaking up your Nana, Papa, your brothers and Bri Bri. It has been just the time that I needed to unplug from the world and just be. Everyone misses you so much, but nobody is afraid to talk about you. Everyone is so worried about me, but nobody is afraid to talk about that, either.

I saw my dad today. I took your brothers over to see him for a bit. It was a quick visit. I don’t talk to him much, because I honestly don’t talk to very many people much anymore. He told me I looked better than he expected. He told me how worried he is about me. He looked so sad. I told him I would be alright. I talked to him about Dr. Jo for a while and how she has really been the one to help me through this. I told him about our very nontraditional therapy like relationship. About how I spend a lot of time up in Sedona with her and we do things like barefoot hike instead of sitting in some stuffy office, talking about stuffy things that most fancy doctors with their PH.D’s talk about. About how her therapy isn’t just an office where you are talked about, then forgotten. How I go there and how you are so loved by her because her heart is that big. I watched my dad, watching me as I talked about Dr. Jo. He looked down at me and said, “I am so glad you found her. She sounds amazing and now I am so less worried about you. Please give her a hug for me and tell her thank you, for saving my daughter.” I just smiled at him and said I would. See, Ronan. That right there is what I am talking about. How it does not matter how I am finding my way, because the people that truly care about me most and truly love me for me, don’t care how it’s done. They are just so thankful for the help and that I am finding my way, the way I need to find it. Because they are intelligent and open-minded enough to know that the only way I am going to find my way, is my way. Not anybody else’s.

Today, was your Nana’s birthday. I was sad most of the day because any type of birthday is sad for me now. They all feel empty without you. And I know what we all were wishing for and that was for you to be back here, with us. I did my best. I played with your brothers most of the day. I watched them follow your Papa around like two little ducks. I wanted my 3rd little duck to be following behind him, too. I looked for you, everywhere. I wondered if you were watching us. I wonder that a lot. It doesn’t give me peace, it just makes me sad because I know how badly you want to be with us. It is so wrong that we are separated. I have such a hard time in life without you here with me and some days, I just don’t know what to do. It’s days like today, that I force myself to continue moving forward, even though everything hurts so bad. I haven’t really had any breakdowns since being here. I know I am due for one, soon. I’m positively sure it’s waiting for me back in Arizona. We have one more day left here. Leaving is going to be hard. Your brothers are not ready to go at all. I am dreading having to take them away from your Papa and Nana. I think it’s going to be hard on everybody. Reality awaits us and there is no escaping that. It was nice to take a little break from it here though, and I am so thankful for the time with your Nana and Papa. Watching your brothers with them is one of my favorite things in life. It always has been. The bond that your brothers have with your Papa Jim is so very special. You loved him so much, too. I’m sorry, Ronan. For the fucking bullshit of a hand we were all dealt in this life. It rips me to pieces, every single day.

It’s late. I need to try to get some sleep. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo