Don’t be a Douchebag. Run for Ro.

Are you ready to run for Ro? Who could say no to those blue eyes? Not me. No excuse in the world would be good enough for me. I would be so honored to have you all, run for Ronan and all the other kids out there, who need a voice. I would so honored, to have you run for Ronan just for the fact that you are ALIVE and this is something you CAN do. I see too many people walking around this life, making excuses. That’s no way to live. If you are lucky enough to be healthy, I hope you are taking full advantage of it. Life is too short to say “I can’t,” to things. I think about Ronan all the time in everything I do. How he really can’t do things like run a half or full marathon because he’s not here. How he’ll never be able to. But I am here. I am alive. I can do these things for him. I will do these things for him, for the rest of my life.  What’s stopping me? Nothing. I don’t or won’t ever accept the word “can’t,” in my life again. I don’t have cancer. I didn’t die. I will always wish it would have been me, not him, but I don’t get that choice. I do get a choice on how I stay here, and live this life. I am choosing to live it the way Ronan would have. By being brave. crazy, fearless, and by pushing all the limits that I can. On the days that I am not bogged down by intense sadness, the days I actually try to live can be o.k. They can be o.k. because they end up making me a little proud of myself. Would I have ever done half of the things I’m doing, had Ronan not died? Probably not. I know I am half a person without him. But the half of a person I am, sometimes makes me proud. I know he is proud of me even on the days that I can’t get out of bed and I feel like I am a shit ass mom. I know he is proud of me for getting up everyday and trying to make a difference for him. I live for Ronan. I live for my dead son, who can’t be here to live this life. It’s the hardest life to live, but I am doing it for him, every single day.
Are you living? If not, why??? Do you want to start living?? Here’s your chance. Do something crazy, like run a half or full marathon. Be inspired to do something you normally wouldn’t do, for a little boy who won’t ever be able to do these things. It’s hard, it’s challenging, but the pay off in the end is so worth it. You will learn that you CAN do anything and that the word CAN’T should be banned from your life, forever. If you are already a runner, this is easy:) Just be prepared for a lot of fun for a really great cause.

To anyone who really can’t be here to run, you can still support us in reaching our goal of $100,000. Tell all your friends and spread the RoLove. It’s about to get CrAzY up in here!!! We are planning a lot of fun things to get you all inspired. Also, I’ll be taking any crazy ideas you all have for me, to get me to raise as much money as possible. You know I’m up for anything. Except for maybe that tattoo of a tear drop on my eye that one of my board members said she’s pay me a ton of money, to see me do. I might have to draw the line, somewhere…

Thank you all for your continued love and support. I hope you all know you too are a big reason of why I will continue this fight, for as long as it takes. I hope to see you joining in on the fun! If not, you’re a douchebag! HA! Totally kidding. But I could not resist throwing that in there. Spicy Ro would have thought it was funny:))))) Love you all. Even the douchebags.

A HUGE thank you to “The Meg,” who has been working so hard on setting all of this up. I Forking LOVE you! (and Ninja Rita, too. She is pretty alright herself.) BEST SOULS IN THE WORLD.

http://www.firstgiving.com/theRonanThompsonFoundation/rockstar-run

Night Hiking and Ronan Rain

 

 

 

Ronan. This is how foggy my head is still. I seriously thought today, the 13th was your diagnoses day, two years ago. It wasn’t until this afternoon, that I remembered that today was not your diagnoses day, the 12th was. Today, was the day you had your first surgery to remove the cancer from behind the left orbit of your eye. I’m blaming this on my grief brain. Google it. It’s real. I’ve had a mental picture of you all day, with your head all cut open. I’ll never forget the look in your eyes like, “What did you let them do to me, mama?” I ask myself that question a lot. What did I let them do to you, while trying to save your life? I put you through hell, harsh treatments, poisons… I tried to save your life with the best tools we had available to us. I don’t know how everything happened so quickly and slipped out of our hands, so fast. I’ll never understand or be able to come to peace with any of this. I worry about you so much, all the time. I know I always will.

I am so tired that this is going to have to be a short post. I have been going non stop since I woke up this morning, working on things for your foundation. I felt really overwhelmed today with everything we have going on. I got a lot accomplished though, so I guess I am feeling a bit better. I was not going to write tonight, but I miss you so I kind of just wanted to say hello. I also wanted to say thank you for the rain again. I had a hard day, a sad day, just like always, but today I was feeling extra bummed out. Your sweet Kassie asked if I wanted to hike. I said yes but I had a mini foundation meeting at my house first. She ended up coming over and it was 10:00 p.m. before it was over, but we still headed out the door to night hike. It was so bloody hot out. We got to the top and sat at our church. After sitting there for about 10 minutes, guess what I felt? The rain. Of course. The coldest, wettest rain drops fell from the sky and drenched us from head to toe. We just sat there laughing, until it stopped about 15 minutes later. It was glorious. It made me smile for a few minutes and giggle out loud. Thanks for the rain when I need it most. You always seem to know.

I have to end this. I’m sorry it’s so short. I need some sleep as today, wiped me out. I’m sleeping in your bed tonight. Maybe I will dream of you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

P.S. Kassie is kind of the greatest. Thank you for bringing her to me. She loves you so much. She makes this world such a better place. She is one of the good crazies that will change things in big ways.

The Gold Party

Gold is the ribbon color for childhood cancer awareness. September is the month for childhood cancer awareness. I wanted to do something special, to represent both of these things during the month of September. I want to make the whole world know and understand what the Gold Ribbon means and I want to turn the month of September into making the whole world aware of how important this month is to all these kids fighting for their lives.

I played around with a lot of ideas for what we could do for this event that we have slowly been planning. I came back to my first idea after getting a great response when it was brought up at a board meeting.

Let’s have a Gold Party! Let’s invite the whole wide world and have them rock the color gold, for a very special reason. Thanks to the hard work of my board members, and the generosity of The W Hotel, the pieces are falling into place and I am so excited!

My very special dear friend, (who I sometimes think hung the moon) Charisma Carpenter, offered to fly in and host the event. We will have Danny Masterson (Hyde from That’s 70’s show) as our celebrity D.J.! D.J. Mom Jeans is sure to bring the house down with his mad skills. I’ve been watching his beats on YouTube and I can’t stop dancing.

Tickets are not on sale, yet, but I will let you know when they are. I just wanted to get the word out as early as possible, especially for any of you that may want to come from out-of-town for this great event. Tickets are super affordable, 25 bucks a pop. I love that:)

I hope to see you all there, rocking your crazy gold ensembles! Thank you for all you are continuing to do in this fight for childhood cancer. I love your hearts.

xoxo

 

Are you ready to Run like a Rockstar?!?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Calling All RUNNERS! The Ronan Thompson Foundation is an Official Charity of the Arizona Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon! Want to be a part of the Rockstar Run on Jan 20, 2013? $165 entry fee and $1,000 minimum fundraising requirement (easy!). We’ll register for you and even get you a fancy fundraising page. Details to come! You can do the half or the full. Thank you for all the love and support! Let’s all run for Ro and these kids, together!!

xoxo

Talia Love

I’ve followed Talia’s story for a very long time. I don’t follow a ton of childhood cancer stories, due to just being overwhelmed by how many there actually are out there. This is a girl that I check in on, on a regular basis. When I first starting watching her YouTube videos, I was amazed by her beauty, strength, and her infectious love for life… even though she had fought Neuroblastoma for 5 years. That didn’t damper her spirit, if anything it seemed to make her shine more. Her spicy ways reminded me a lot of Ro.

Talia’s disease has recently gotten worse and she is having to make a very hard decision. I don’t know what it is going to take for this world to wake up and make childhood cancer a priority in life. None of these kids or parents deserve this. How is it that childhood cancer is the number one disease killer, in children, yet everyone just looks away. These kids deserve so much better. They deserve the chance to grow up into adults and get fucking prostate cancer or breast cancer. Why are we not putting them, before everyone else??

Who can ignore the facts that come along with childhood cancer and decide that it is o.k. to look the other way?

  • Cancer is the number one cause of non-accidental death in children
  • At present childhood cancer cannot be prevented and occurs regularly and randomly, sparing no ethnic group, socioeconomic or geographic class
  • Approximately 46 U.S. children and adolescents are diagnosed with cancer every single day 
  • For every six research dollars per patient with AIDS and every one research dollar per patient with breast cancer, a child with cancer receives only 30 cents. 

 

My Ronan deserves to be here. This beautiful, brave girl should not have to make the decision to go forward with a very harsh treatment or just stop everything all together and enjoy the time she has left. It is all so very wrong. Today, 2.4 billion dollars to explore Mars can go and get fucked. It’s just one of the many examples I’ll use to show how wrong this is. You are telling me Mars is more important then this girls life? Then Ronan’s life? Then all of these other kids out there who will be diagnosed and die from childhood cancer? I don’t fucking think so.

I miss my son. I miss my son and the only thing I can do is continue to fight for him like I know he would want me to do.

Please watch this little brave souls video and be thankful for all that you have. Just not today, but every single day you are alive.

http://shine.yahoo.com/beauty/12-old-8217-heart-breaking-life-affirming-videos-170800971.html

A Danger Day for 15 months without you. F U Cancer.

Ronan. 15 months of you being gone and I survived today. It wasn’t even a totally awful day. I think it’s the first 9th I’ve had in a long time, that wasn’t horrific. Do you know why? Because I took today and made it be an alright day. I’ve had too many hard days this week and I just could not do another one, today. I got up with a heavy heart, like always. Got your brothers off to school. I had a plan for what I would do today on our danger day. It involved something that I have become borderline obsessed with. Something that I have done for a while, but just not often. Something that I like to do alone that fills my heart with a peacefulness that I cannot explain. Drum roll please…………..

Golf. You heard me right. Golf. Now, I know you are wondering how this might be dangerous because I’m pretty sure golf is the safest sport out there. I turned it into something dangerous by taking my golf day and tweaking it into Inferno Golf, of course! It was only 112 today. I golfed in the middle of the heat for 3 solid hours. It was glorious. You want to know what the funny thing is? I am freakishly good. As in really, really good for only having played about a half dozen times in my life, if that. I spent 3 hours of the day in the blazing heat, golfing my heart out and jumping up and down over my almost hole in one. I drove the cart extra fast, through some muddy grass and a sprinkler, just for you. I came home from my day with a smile on my face that does not happen very often anymore. I finished off the day by working on some things for your foundation. We have a lot of great things, coming up.

I ended this awful 15 months of hell without you by doing an extra fast inferno night hike up Camelback. So fast that I thought I was going to die, from not being able to breathe. I had to stop at one point and it took me a few minutes to catch my breath. I thought to myself, “Is this how Ronan felt, right before he died? Like he couldn’t breathe? This is awful. Please, I hope he didn’t feel this way.” The darkness that lives within me, tried to take over. I told myself to stop, to just get to the top,  because Ronan is waiting for you up there. I tell myself this a lot when I am physically trying to do something that is hard. That you are waiting for me so I’d better freaking finish what it is, I am doing. I know you know how much you know I wish this were true. I would give anything to have you waiting for me. I let you guide me in the ways that you still can though. I hear your voice, a lot in my head. It pushes me to try my hardest at everything I do.

This post is going to be a little short tonight. I am physically beat. I love you my spicy monkey. I called you this a lot tonight on my hike. I know you heard me.

Sweet dreams, baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Stuck on the Top of a Mountain in the Middle of a Haboob. A Haboob. Google it. It’s real.

Ronan. I made it through today. But tomorrow has to come now, too. The 9th. 16 months. Oh, and don’t forget August 13th, your diagnoses day. It’s always something around here. What choice do I have but to keep rolling with the punches? I don’t. This fucking bullshit grief/bereaved parent/life thing is such fucking bullshit. It’s a constant struggle to feel like I can breathe on most days. How did I get through today? With your help of course. It’s always you that helps me through the most.

I got through today by trying to be kind to myself. I got through today by allowing myself to feel, whatever it is that I needed to feel. I got though today by a little help from my friends and strangers. I got through today by looking at the smiles on your brothers faces. I got though today with the little sign that you sent me to let me know that you are still with me. It was a long fucking day though. I am beat.

Who gets off a red-eye only to land straight on my door step with flowers, donuts, a card, and some silly school things for your brothers? Only our crazy, Heather Freaking Firecracker. Our spicy little friend whose heart is bigger then her body. Not like that is saying much, because she is so itty bitty. She made my morning a little brighter which helped contain my tears for the drop off that I had to do. I dropped off your brothers. I didn’t let myself sit there and sob. I peeled out of that school like my hair was on fire. Not really. I may break a lot of rules, but speeding in a school zone is not one of them. I took a deep breath and calmly left school. I ran some errands. I had a mini breakdown in a parking lot, in my car. I looked at my phone. Your Sparkly: I hope you are o.k. Me: Not o.k. I’m sorry. I can’t believe he is not here. I think I let him down. Him: Please don’t do this. You are the best mom. You did NOT let him down. Me: insert sobbing here: It wasn’t enough. How could it not have been enough? You are making me cry. Stop making me cry. He knows it wasn’t him, who was making me cry. It never is. I pulled it together. I drove through a drive through car wash, for you. Because I used to just take you to them, when our car wasn’t even dirty because you loved them so much. I met a stranger for coffee. We have a mutual friend. She asked if I could meet this week. I jumped at the chance to meet her today. She knew what today was. I told her that it would give me something to look forward to; our little meeting of strangers. I left there feeling like she could be my friend.

I went to the freaking grocery store. I hate the grocery store. I made myself get things done for your brothers. I told myself I was going to cook dinner tonight. I picked your brothers up from school. “Hi boys! How was your day? Tell me everything!” I asked 50 questions. They were so happy. They had such a good first day. I tried my best to push down my sadness. I am so glad they had such a wonderful day. I let this fill me with the little happiness that I am capable of feeling now. It’s enough. I get them home, make snacks, we start homework. I engage and help them. A treat is left at our front doorstep by one of our friends/neighbors. This melts my broken heart. It makes your brothers smile. They gobble up the deliciousness. Your daddy gets home. We cook dinner, together. Kind of. Not really. I let him cook. I shredded the lettuce. Does that count? I don’t sit down to eat. I don’t eat again today. It’s o.k. I’m not hungry. I get a text from our lovie, Kassie. “Do you want to hike? I need to for my sanity.” “Absolutely,” I say. “I’ll meet you on our mountain, at 7.” Your daddy takes the boys to The Village.

I meet up with Kass. The girl who is literally looks like sunshine, but with a bit of a dark cloud above her. I call that dark cloud, wisdom and pain. Wisdom and pain that gives her young life, so much more meaning than others. I met her through this blog. The crazy thing is, after we started up our little friendship, we both found out that you shared a room at PCH with her brother who was going through cancer treatment. He was older. I never met Kassie. I am so glad I know her now. She likes to inferno hike with me. She even goes to the inferno without me. We sat at the top for a long time. We talk about everything. We talked a lot about you. A man came up to the top. We struck up a conversation with him. It was odd. Everyone has a story. He told us he liked to hike to the top of the mountain and then say 5 things that he was grateful for. He asked if we wanted to do it out loud with him. Sure. O.k. Why not. He said his list. I went next. Deep breath. I tried to clear my head. I struggled with what to say. I need to work on my gratitude list a little more I guess. I managed to come up with 5 things. I think they were this:

1) My husband. He walks on water.

2) My twins

3) The love between myself and my Ronan. He is the reason I continue to go on. He is the reason for everything I do.

4) The kindness of strangers

5) My family and friends.

It took everything for me to not scream from the top of my lungs, ” I AM NOT GRATEFUL FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE CANCER KILLED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! I WAS GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE, ALWAYS, BEFORE ALL OF THIS! I DIDN’T NEED THIS LESSON!THIS LESSON IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!”

If this would have been a year ago, I would have screamed all of those things and then jumped off the side of the cliff. See, I am growing! Gold star for me! That would have been my anger taking over today. I controlled it. I will work on my grateful list a little more, for you.

Kassie’s list was great. She is a good girl who is grateful for everything and just wants to help make this world a better place. I was grateful for her list.

The man left after he decided that we might be insane, due to our snarkiness about how kids dying from cancer, is not the way to learn a life lesson. No thanks, buddy. We would rather have learned it another way. But thanks for playing with us. I’m sorry your puppy died. Bye-Bye. He left. We watched. The lightning danced around us. “Where is the moon”? Kassie asked. “That’s weird. It’s not out tonight. Why is it so light out? It’s 8:00.” I said. We couldn’t figure it out. The clouds started to roll in. “Look. Those clouds came out of nowhere. It’s not supposed to storm tonight.” I said. We watched some more. The wind started whipping around us. “Crap! Kassie said. “I think we are trapped in a Haboob!”  I just laughed. “We totally are! Ronan is so pissed he didn’t get to start kindergarten today!” We sat at the top of our RoChurch tonight for a good 45 minutes and let the storm whip around us. No rain. Just a lot of dust and wind. We laughed. I might have cried for a second. I waited for it to calm down, so we could get off of the mountain. After the wind had settled, we got up and headed down. It was so bright, without the moon, that we didn’t need a light. So strange. We made it down the mountain and that’s when it happened. Only you could do this, for me. The second my foot touched the exact spot of where I have one of my favorite pictures in the world of you, a rain drop kissed my lip. “Kass! Did you feel that? It’s raining! It’s raining and I have this picture or Ronan, right here, in this very spot.” We both stopped and waited. It took a minute for her to feel it. But then, big, huge tears fell from the sky. But only right where we were standing. “That is so Ronan,” I said. “He always does this for me, when I need it the most.” We extended out our arms and let the big, sloppy wet tears fall on our faces. I smiled. “He’s the best.” We stayed for a few minutes and enjoyed the rest of your little storm. A sign from you that I very much needed today. Thank you, baby doll.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. I will try to do something dangerous for our danger day tomorrow. Fuck you 16 months.

xoxo

What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person. Hopefully.

Ronan. I spent the majority of the day, sobbing after I held it together at your brothers meet the teacher. I wore my best mama hat. “So nice to meet you, Quinn’s darling teacher.” “Liam is so excited, this is going to be an amazing year, Liam’s darling teacher, too.” In my mind you know I was freaking out. I have no idea how I did not burst out in a puddle of tears while slipping and falling on them in front of everyone. Oh wait, I know. It’s because I had to remind myself to be strong and not to break in front of your brothers and mortify them, completely. I chatted with them the entire way home about school and everything they were so excited about. We got home and I was fine, until your daddy called. “How was today.” he asked. “Fine.” I choked out. That’s all I could say as I was crying too hard, to finish the conversation. He was home, a few hours later. Home to me making him a grilled fucking cheese because that’s all I could manage to cook for dinner tonight. Awesome wife of the year award totally goes to me. He acted like I had made the best meal on the planet. I started doing the dishes. Your daddy looked at me, my tears falling into the sink. “You don’t have to do those now.” “Yes, I do.” I sobbed. “You know I can’t ever leave a dirty dish in the sink.” We then sat at the table. “You need to eat. Have you eaten today?” I hadn’t. “I’m not hungry. I’m not eating. I need to go hiking.” You daddy just looks at me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened. It’s so wrong. He should be going to kindergarten tomorrow. I love you.” “I love you, too.” I squeak back.

I head out the door for a night hike. I think a lot on my hike. I don’t turn my music on. I get lost in the night, without a headlamp. Opps. I cry for a long time, at the top of the mountain. I tell you how sorry I am, over and over again. Thoughts fill my head like I think I let you down. I don’t want to let you down anymore. I need to work on some things because I am human and make mistakes. Some days, I get so angry that I impulsively act out. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. But some days, the anger wins. What can I do, to change this? You were not about anger, but about all things pure and love. I am not about anger, so what can I do with this fire that fills me and makes me want to lash out at people who don’t deserve it? Because things that go on in the normal world, that people think are problems, but are actually not, make me crazy. But that’s not for me to decide, what other people’s problems are. I am not the gate keeper of the normal problems of the world that I so wish I had. It all goes back to, who am I to judge? Just because you died of cancer, I get to decide what problems are real in people’s lives and what problems are not? That’s not o.k. That’s not a role I want to play. Please tune it out, Maya. Please make something good come out of it, instead.

I thought about tomorrow a lot. How are you going to make it through tomorrow. A scene played out in my head. What if I go to an AA meeting. Would they kick me out? Can I sit in a group and get lost in the problems of other people for a while? And when it came to my turn to talk I would just say, “I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t even really drink. My son was supposed to start kindergarten today, but he died of cancer and I didn’t know where else to go or what to do.” Then I got to thinking I should start up my own group of AA except I would call it Anger Anonymous. Where we could have a support group for people from all walks of life who are dealing with their pain, whatever it may be, and who don’t want to let it destroy them. Our motto could be “What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person.” We could make our focus about recognizing your anger, talking about it, but then taking it and doing something really good with it. I try to do good, everyday. But sometimes, the little super pissed cancer killed the love of my life and I’m so mad takes over. I’m sorry for this. This is not what you were ever about. I will try to do better. For you.

I have to go now. Your daddy asked to spend some time with me. Maybe I’ll have cried so much today, that tomorrow will be o.k. I will survive, no matter how hard it is. I always do. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I hope you are safe. Please take good care of LoRo during her surgery. I know you heard me tonight, asking you to. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. You all are the BEST for your suggestions. I loved the one where somebody replied with “Drink. I know it’s not very smart, but it’s all I’ve got right now.” I almost peed over that one. Thank you all, so much. You have the most beautiful hearts. xxoo

Kindergarten Blues

Ronan. I am trying to figure out a way not to die tomorrow. Tomorrow, your brothers start 3rd grade. I’m pretty sure if you were here, you would have started kindergarten. I said to your daddy last night, “Do you think Ro would have started kindergarten on Wednesday, or would we have waited and made him the older kid in the class because he had a summer birthday?” Your daddy said he thinks we would have started you this year, since you were always so advanced for your age. My stomach sunk. A picture flashed in my mind of sending you off to the same school as Liam and Quinn. Having them to look after you was always a dream come true to me. I don’t get to be a normal mom anymore and cry because of how fast Liam and Quinn are growing up and how I can’t believe my baby is old enough for kindergarten. I am now the mom who gets to sob because you are not here, to go. The tears I cry will never be for normal reasons again, that I would have been so thankful for. What am I going to do??? Rita is already trying to get me to make a plan for tomorrow. “Do you want to go donate blood? Drop food off at a homeless shelter? Work on foundation stuff?” I can’t make a plan. I think it is too hot here, to go jump out of an airplane. Can I get on an airplane tomorrow and leave the state like I want to? To go to a city far, far away where kindergarten does not exist?  That’s what I really want to do. Do any of you, have any suggestions? I’m open to them. I’m open to anything that will help me get through the first day of 3rd grade for Liam and Quinn and the first day of kindergarten for my dead child.

I have been thrown back into the world of everything is normal but everything is not, for me. I don’t like it here, but I am doing my best. Your brothers are so excited about the Olympics. So I pretend like I am too, excited about the olympics. Your brothers are so excited about school. So I am excited about school. Not really. I am so sad. But as Simi’s mom told me, “You will learn to become a good actress.” My acting skills are improving, daily. I put on a good show for everyone, daily, so that I am not huddled in a corner, sobbing like a baby. I went to the inferno a couple of days ago. It was only 112 or something like that. I hiked Camelback in the dead heat of the day. It was so hard that I had to stop about 6 times. I almost turned around but then I remembered that I don’t get that choice anymore, of turning and around, stopping and giving up when something is too hard. It is no longer a luxury of mine. I took Ambien for the first time in a month, a couple of nights ago. I fell asleep easily, but woke up due to a dream where I was watching myself laying a couch, rocking myself back and fourth, screaming your name. How do you fall asleep after a dream like that when it is your reality? You don’t. So up I was, pacing the house, trying to calm myself down. Nothing was working so I gave into the devil. I read online about our recent victory on Mars. A 2.5 billion dollar victory. It’s things like this that make me quite sure that I was not meant for this world anymore. The normal world where spending money on something like this, is acceptable because we as Americans are, “curious.” Wait. 2.5 billion dollars on Mars? This makes my blood boil. I really, really hope they find the cure for all types of cancers up there. Because that is the only way, spending money like this, would be acceptable. Or if they find you up there. That would be alright, too. Maybe you are up there, playing with R2D2. Maybe NASA will bring you back. I slammed 2 Ambien after reading about Mars. I flushed them down the toilet, today. I can’t have them around. I’d rather not sleep, then have them. I slept alright without them, last night.

I might have to go now, Ro. I have to work on my plan of action for tomorrow. Can you throw some ideas my way? Some good things I can do for others? That will help me get through the day. I love you, baby boy. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. xoxo