What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person. Hopefully.

Ronan. I spent the majority of the day, sobbing after I held it together at your brothers meet the teacher. I wore my best mama hat. “So nice to meet you, Quinn’s darling teacher.” “Liam is so excited, this is going to be an amazing year, Liam’s darling teacher, too.” In my mind you know I was freaking out. I have no idea how I did not burst out in a puddle of tears while slipping and falling on them in front of everyone. Oh wait, I know. It’s because I had to remind myself to be strong and not to break in front of your brothers and mortify them, completely. I chatted with them the entire way home about school and everything they were so excited about. We got home and I was fine, until your daddy called. “How was today.” he asked. “Fine.” I choked out. That’s all I could say as I was crying too hard, to finish the conversation. He was home, a few hours later. Home to me making him a grilled fucking cheese because that’s all I could manage to cook for dinner tonight. Awesome wife of the year award totally goes to me. He acted like I had made the best meal on the planet. I started doing the dishes. Your daddy looked at me, my tears falling into the sink. “You don’t have to do those now.” “Yes, I do.” I sobbed. “You know I can’t ever leave a dirty dish in the sink.” We then sat at the table. “You need to eat. Have you eaten today?” I hadn’t. “I’m not hungry. I’m not eating. I need to go hiking.” You daddy just looks at me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened. It’s so wrong. He should be going to kindergarten tomorrow. I love you.” “I love you, too.” I squeak back.

I head out the door for a night hike. I think a lot on my hike. I don’t turn my music on. I get lost in the night, without a headlamp. Opps. I cry for a long time, at the top of the mountain. I tell you how sorry I am, over and over again. Thoughts fill my head like I think I let you down. I don’t want to let you down anymore. I need to work on some things because I am human and make mistakes. Some days, I get so angry that I impulsively act out. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. But some days, the anger wins. What can I do, to change this? You were not about anger, but about all things pure and love. I am not about anger, so what can I do with this fire that fills me and makes me want to lash out at people who don’t deserve it? Because things that go on in the normal world, that people think are problems, but are actually not, make me crazy. But that’s not for me to decide, what other people’s problems are. I am not the gate keeper of the normal problems of the world that I so wish I had. It all goes back to, who am I to judge? Just because you died of cancer, I get to decide what problems are real in people’s lives and what problems are not? That’s not o.k. That’s not a role I want to play. Please tune it out, Maya. Please make something good come out of it, instead.

I thought about tomorrow a lot. How are you going to make it through tomorrow. A scene played out in my head. What if I go to an AA meeting. Would they kick me out? Can I sit in a group and get lost in the problems of other people for a while? And when it came to my turn to talk I would just say, “I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t even really drink. My son was supposed to start kindergarten today, but he died of cancer and I didn’t know where else to go or what to do.” Then I got to thinking I should start up my own group of AA except I would call it Anger Anonymous. Where we could have a support group for people from all walks of life who are dealing with their pain, whatever it may be, and who don’t want to let it destroy them. Our motto could be “What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person.” We could make our focus about recognizing your anger, talking about it, but then taking it and doing something really good with it. I try to do good, everyday. But sometimes, the little super pissed cancer killed the love of my life and I’m so mad takes over. I’m sorry for this. This is not what you were ever about. I will try to do better. For you.

I have to go now. Your daddy asked to spend some time with me. Maybe I’ll have cried so much today, that tomorrow will be o.k. I will survive, no matter how hard it is. I always do. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I hope you are safe. Please take good care of LoRo during her surgery. I know you heard me tonight, asking you to. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. You all are the BEST for your suggestions. I loved the one where somebody replied with “Drink. I know it’s not very smart, but it’s all I’ve got right now.” I almost peed over that one. Thank you all, so much. You have the most beautiful hearts. xxoo

Kindergarten Blues

Ronan. I am trying to figure out a way not to die tomorrow. Tomorrow, your brothers start 3rd grade. I’m pretty sure if you were here, you would have started kindergarten. I said to your daddy last night, “Do you think Ro would have started kindergarten on Wednesday, or would we have waited and made him the older kid in the class because he had a summer birthday?” Your daddy said he thinks we would have started you this year, since you were always so advanced for your age. My stomach sunk. A picture flashed in my mind of sending you off to the same school as Liam and Quinn. Having them to look after you was always a dream come true to me. I don’t get to be a normal mom anymore and cry because of how fast Liam and Quinn are growing up and how I can’t believe my baby is old enough for kindergarten. I am now the mom who gets to sob because you are not here, to go. The tears I cry will never be for normal reasons again, that I would have been so thankful for. What am I going to do??? Rita is already trying to get me to make a plan for tomorrow. “Do you want to go donate blood? Drop food off at a homeless shelter? Work on foundation stuff?” I can’t make a plan. I think it is too hot here, to go jump out of an airplane. Can I get on an airplane tomorrow and leave the state like I want to? To go to a city far, far away where kindergarten does not exist? ┬áThat’s what I really want to do. Do any of you, have any suggestions? I’m open to them. I’m open to anything that will help me get through the first day of 3rd grade for Liam and Quinn and the first day of kindergarten for my dead child.

I have been thrown back into the world of everything is normal but everything is not, for me. I don’t like it here, but I am doing my best. Your brothers are so excited about the Olympics. So I pretend like I am too, excited about the olympics. Your brothers are so excited about school. So I am excited about school. Not really. I am so sad. But as Simi’s mom told me, “You will learn to become a good actress.” My acting skills are improving, daily. I put on a good show for everyone, daily, so that I am not huddled in a corner, sobbing like a baby. I went to the inferno a couple of days ago. It was only 112 or something like that. I hiked Camelback in the dead heat of the day. It was so hard that I had to stop about 6 times. I almost turned around but then I remembered that I don’t get that choice anymore, of turning and around, stopping and giving up when something is too hard. It is no longer a luxury of mine. I took Ambien for the first time in a month, a couple of nights ago. I fell asleep easily, but woke up due to a dream where I was watching myself laying a couch, rocking myself back and fourth, screaming your name. How do you fall asleep after a dream like that when it is your reality? You don’t. So up I was, pacing the house, trying to calm myself down. Nothing was working so I gave into the devil. I read online about our recent victory on Mars. A 2.5 billion dollar victory. It’s things like this that make me quite sure that I was not meant for this world anymore. The normal world where spending money on something like this, is acceptable because we as Americans are, “curious.” Wait. 2.5 billion dollars on Mars? This makes my blood boil. I really, really hope they find the cure for all types of cancers up there. Because that is the only way, spending money like this, would be acceptable. Or if they find you up there. That would be alright, too. Maybe you are up there, playing with R2D2. Maybe NASA will bring you back. I slammed 2 Ambien after reading about Mars. I flushed them down the toilet, today. I can’t have them around. I’d rather not sleep, then have them. I slept alright without them, last night.

I might have to go now, Ro. I have to work on my plan of action for tomorrow. Can you throw some ideas my way? Some good things I can do for others? That will help me get through the day. I love you, baby boy. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. xoxo