I’ll say this over and over again until the day I die. I am so lucky that I found her. She is hands down, one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known. I hope one day my heart will be as full and as beautiful, as hers.
Ronan. I woke up this morning to the awful news of the shooting that happened in Colorado, during the new Batman movie. WTF is going on in the world? My heart is heavy for all those people who lost their loved ones due to some senseless act of… I don’t even know what to call it. Senseless act of nonsense I guess. Or senseless act of fuckwad fuckery might be even better. What in the world must be going through someone’s mind, to do such a thing? Do they have a dead child? Are they so angry/hurt/sad/defeated/lost/broken and so full of extreme pain all day everyday that they finally just crack one day? Well I am. And to do such a thing would never even cross my freaking mind. I don’t think there is any reasoning behind this madness. A mental illness perhaps? I don’t see any other answer, but I guess we will just wait and see. All I know is that kid, made a fucking choice to hurt so many innocent people. And all for what? All for nothing. Why can’t people like this, get cancer and die before they have the time to plot and scheme to do such a thing. Why didn’t that kid get cancer and die instead of you? Yeah, I said it. Fucking asshole. I am glad he didn’t die. Do you know what I wish? Instead of letting him get off by putting him in some prison somewhere, let’s put him in his own private cell and hook him up to chemo treatments for the next 50 years of his life. Let’s put him through chemo, radiation, a stem cell transplant or two, over and over again. That would be the ultimate punishment, without a doubt.
Your brothers were dying to see the new Batman movie today. They knew what happened at the theatre, before I did. We had a long talk about it. I felt weird taking them to the movie… but I did. I still feel weird about it. How could I possibly sit in a theatre, to watch a movie when all these people’s lives have been shattered? It seemed morally wrong. I did it anyway. I don’t feel good about my choice… but it was one I made today, for the sake of your brothers and honestly, I wanted to get lost in the world of something else for a couple of hours. Movies aren’t easy for me to watch but today, I forced myself to sit through this one. I could not stop thinking about all the parent’s who will now know what it like to have a dead child. Something a parent should never have to know. I’m so sorry to all of them. I had a breakdown in the shower today, for all of them. I had a breakdown, much of the day. There were a lot of tears shed today. Sometimes I truly do think you were too beautiful for this ugly world. It is ugly, Ronan. Things like this unnecessary tragedy, proves it. There is not explaining or justifying this. It is unjustifiable, just like all these kids getting cancer and dying from it. Just like your death. No reason or answer for such things, will ever be good enough.
Today, I hung out with your Nana. I stayed at her cafe for a bit while she closed it up. I talked to the group of men that come in for their coffee, right before she closes. So sweet. They all know all about you. Everyone does. They all told me how proud you would be of me. One of them told me, he was worried about me, until he saw me in person. Because after seeing me, he knows that I am going to be alright. I wasn’t sure how to take that, but it made me smile. I told him thank you. That I was trying my best which was all I could do. A girl came into get some of your bracelets. You know how much I love meeting your little lovies. I went over to her and introduced myself. She was so sweet. We talked for a while. She was having a hard time, holding back her tears. It didn’t take long before we were both crying and I embraced this stranger, for a hug. I am always thankful how it seems that you are inspiring a whole world of people, who never even knew you. It truly does warm my heart.
Do you know that I miss you every second of every single day? That it makes me so sad during the times that I am teaching your brother really important things about life, that you are not here to take part in this too? Here are my examples for the day, Ronan. The 3 of us were driving in the car today. A super important life lesson was learned. We had the radio on, of course. That Quinn of your is so obsessed with music that it makes me smile. A Tom Petty song came on that he hadn’t heard before. I squealed with excitement. But he went to change the station. I quickly said, “Nooooo! You cannot change the station. It’s a Tom Petty song! Rule number one in the car, boys… NEVER CHANGE THE STATION WHEN A TOM PETTY SONG IS ON!” They both laughed. Stevie Nicks came on next so they were also schooled in the amazingness of her as well. Very important life lessons indeed. Here is my other funny story. I was playing the game Life with the two of them the other day. It came to my turn and I had to stop to get married. I looked at your brothers and said, “I’d like a wife, please.” They both giggled and Liam handed me a pink lady, to ride in my car with me. We continued to play and at one point, Liam knocked my car over and my little peeps fell out. Quinn goes, “Move, Liam! I’m trying to put mom’s wife back in the car!” I thought this was so cute, so funny, and so very sweet. I felt proud of your brothers who are being raised to learn that love comes in all forms and it does not matter your race, sexuality, or what anyone else thinks. It was a proud mama moment, to say the least. I am sorry you are not here to learn these things, too. Somedays, this still doesn’t feel real to me. A lot of days, I pretend that you are still here with us. It helps me to get though the days that still seem to drag on.
That was yesterday, Ro baby. Today was much of the same. We all slept in and played outside. Your brothers really wanted to go to Derrick’s baseball game tonight. The thought of this gave me major anxiety. A packed baseball game… lots of people…I don’t do well in crowds. I gave myself a big pep talk. “Come on, Maya. It means so much to Liam and Quinn. You can do this, for them.” I really did want to see Derrick play too. You would be so proud of him. He’s grown up so much that it kills me! I remember when that boy was your brothers age. Your brothers have always idolized him. You loved him, too. I’m sad you didn’t get to see his amazing catch that has been all over ESPN. He should have won that ESPY award; he was totally robbed. He had another great catch tonight that made me smile. Your brothers had the best time and I did alright myself. I sat in my little space surrounded by your brothers, Papa Jim, your Auntie Cindy, Uncle Tim and Derrick’s darling girlfriend. I missed you so much. You would have loved the game. You were always so crazy about baseball.
I might end this here, now. I’m sad. I’m tired. I miss your daddy. I miss you even more though. I always will. I will always miss you, more than anybody else in this whole big wide world. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
Ronan. I am tired. Living this life without you is exhausting. I hardly remember the days when I used to think you wore me out due to your never-ending energy. I used to think taking care of you was a lot of work. Well, let me assure you, taking care of a dead child is 100 times more exhausting. It is 100 times more exhausting than the temper tantrums, throwing up, crying, teaching, arguing, potty training, bathing, feeding, reading, singing, playing, snotty noses, laughing, loving, and all the other beautiful things that come with raising a child. Taking care of a dead child is 24 hours of pure and non-stop torture that on days like today, leaves me feeling more exhausted than running a fucking marathon.
We are still in Washington. I do well here. It’s no secret. My heart is not in AZ. I won’t live there forever. There will come a day when I will leave. Your daddy knows this. He is on board with this. He will go wherever we decide to go, as a family. I’ve already thrown out a few places as options. It’s a decision we have both made. My heart does not belong in that state. It never has. I have only a couple of things keeping me there, as of now. But those couple of things mean too much to me to leave. As long as they are there, I will stay there. I’m not saying what or who they are, but I know you know. Because you’ve always known. Right now, we are there because it is where we need to be. Because right now it is what is best for Liam and Quinn. I can put myself aside for the sake of the two of them for the time being. I can sacrifice myself for those boys’ no questions asked. But Phoenix leaves me feeling restless and chaotic. The only peace I get is when I am hiking up a mountain in 110 degree weather. That tells me right there, that there is a problem. I know what my main problem is… that being not having you anymore. But Phoenix only seems to add fuel to the fire. I can make due for now. I can be thankful that we have your Nana’s house to come to so that I can have a little peace and quiet. I can be thankful for things like rainy summer days, scratches from sticker bushes, muddy feet from exploring the never-ending rivers/streams/ponds that surround us… I can be thankful that your brothers have this place to come to, to experience childhood the way it should be. Simple, calm, and beautiful. You don’t get much more beautiful than this state. I have always thought so. It makes the 8 months of rain, totally worth it. But I am also a big fan of the rain so I may be biased. I am an even bigger fan now because I feel like my body and soul are in a constant state of rain due to all of my tears. It’s nice to not wake up to the blinding freaking sun every single day. The mornings here are damp and foggy. The air is clean. The sun comes out just in time to kiss my lips for a few hours and then it goes back to sleep. My heaven.
I’ve been doing a lot of playing with your brothers. So much playing that we are all 3 falling into bed and we hardly have the energy to say goodnight to one another and you, before it’s lights out. That never happens in AZ. It’s been a constant stream of baseball, board games, swinging, basketball, and Papa time. That Papa time is my favorite time of all. Your papa and I took Liam and Quinn to Mount St. Helen’s yesterday. The world that I watch Liam and Quinn slip into around him is magical. It’s one of my favorite places to be. The laugher and adventures are endless. He is the youngest 72-year-old that I have ever known. It’s like I’m watching 3 kids play whenever I am with him. He was one of your best friends and vise versa. He misses you so much. Yesterday, when we stopped to explore a little bit, we were throwing some rocks into the water. There were a ton of sticks and wood pieces floating around. The kind that you used to make your papa load the back of his truck up with. “More papa, more!” you used to yell to him. We would always bring home 10-20 pieces of wood and sticks for you. Your papa found a really good one yesterday and said, “I’d better get this one, for Ronie.” “Ronie, Ronie, Macaroni!” he would often sing to you. I just looked at him and said thank you. What I really meant was thank you for being the best step-dad ever. For being the best papa ever. For being the best friend to my 3 boys. For never forgetting you, Ronie, and for never being afraid to talk about you, sometimes like you are still here. I know how hard this has been for him. He loves you so much. He would have traded places with you, in a heartbeat. I know he is constantly asking himself why you and not him. We all are baby boy; we all are.
I think about you all the time. I told your Sparkly that I swore I think about you, 24 hours a day. He said he knew. I know he knows this because he thinks of you everyday too. He misses you. I have been thinking about a lot of things lately, trying to give myself some peace of mind which won’t ever happen, but I need just a sliver of it, to get me through this. For me to say that I 100% know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing is something I am not willing to eat up on a plate of bullshit. Hello! Am I the only crazy one out there, who will admit this?!! NOBODY REALLY KNOWS where you are, Ro baby. WTF! I can fully respect what people believe… but I am so tired of hearing, “Oh, hello… I am 100% sure of where Ronan is. He is safe and happy and he is where he should be. ” Fuck off people. That is not the right way to approach me. Why don’t you just be honest and say, “Oh, hello… I don’t 100% know where Ronan is, but this is what I believe.” Thank you. I can deal with the “I believe part.” I don’t have a problem with the “I believe part.” I won’t even tell you to fuck off. I will politely smile and tell you thank you, instead. I just want some freaking honesty. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. Unless you are officially hanging out in heaven, with Ronan, dancing on clouds and then you get to come back here and tell me about it, and put it on a DVD for me to watch…. I am not going to 100% be sure of anything. That’s honest. That’s real. It fucking sucks but I am not willing to sugar coat the life and death of my child just because it makes other people comfortable.
I know what I think I believe. I know what I think I don’t believe. I know that I am still learning and growing, but no matter how angry I get, I still have a shred of faith that I hold on to. It’s dear to me no matter how different or how out of the norm it is. I don’t like normal. I grew up with a dad who used to mediate on top of compost piles. Is that weird? Maybe to some. It wasn’t weird to me. It was his way of teaching me to love nature and the world around us, but mostly to connect to ourselves, our hearts and our spirituality. I know that my beliefs are ever-changing and ever-growing. What I believe today, may not be the same, tomorrow. I find that fascinating and it makes me proud that I have the strength to question everything out there when I could easily just believe in it all, instead. If I want to question if the sky is blue and the grass is green, that is my business. Nobody has the right to try to take that away from me. Not even God himself.
I found a picture of you today, Ronie. I don’t know if I’ve ever called you, Ronie, on here, P.S. Which is weird… because I used to call you that all of the time. Anyway, it was your preschool picture. The one where I can vividly recall the day so well which is unusual for me due to not having much of a memory anymore. You are so beautiful. I put you in one of your favorite orange shirts. Your hair almost matched it in the picture as the color of your hair was so unusual. A copper color almost. Blonder in the summer, but copper was the true color of that mop of hair of yours. I stared at that picture for a long time, before tears sprang to my eyes. I sent a couple of text messages to Dr. JoRo and to my new friend, Robyn. I haven’t really talked about Robyn yet because it just hasn’t been the right time. It’s only been within the last few weeks that we have started to get to know each other. Even though we have more in common than I would like. We both have dead babies thanks to that fuckwad, Neuroblastoma. We met at the NB conference in Austin, Texas. We went out afterwords as a group and I quietly sat back and watched this girl who continued to crack up the entire table with her witty comebacks, smart mouth and silent gun shooting laughter (because she says no sound comes out when she laughs so she shoots guns with her hands instead) Ummmm… who is this girl and can I please be her friend? I got to know her story a bit. I later learned that she not only has one dead child, but two as she had twins after her son, Ezra, and one of them, Price, died due to complications from a very early delivery. It took me a while to wrap my head around this. Wait, two dead babies? Her? Not possible. Not this drop dead gorgeous, funny, young thing sitting right in front of me. Not this gorgeous creature who looks like she is about 19, but has the pain in her eyes of someone who is 3 times her age. But she looks happy. And she can laugh and be carefree and funny! All of the voices in my head were saying, “Whoa. What’s wrong with you? This girl is alright. This girl can function in the normal world. And she has 2 dead babies! Why can’t you?” I left Texas being totally intrigued by this Little Miss Robyn thing. Our friendship has now developed over a series of Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/Texting love. I told her that it had to be the two of you, you and Ezra, who are the one’s making our friendship blossom. Because you know we can help each other, through this. I truly think this is the case. Now that I’ve gotten to know Robyn a little better, I can see that she still hurts so badly from losing her babies. That I know she thinks about them as much as I do you. That will never change. Things will never be alright or better. They are just different. And somedays, different can be o.k. and you can still smile and laugh, but the pain never fades away. As she puts it, it moves from your skin to your bones. It never goes away. I sent Robyn that text below tonight. She called cancer, a whore! I told you we were meant to be friends!
I think we are going to make a good team, me, you, your daddy, Robyn, Ezra and her husband, Kyle. I kind of think that Neuroblastoma, doesn’t really stand a chance. I am sorry that any of us have to know this life. I wish it wasn’t this way. Robyn says to tell you, “Hey,” though. Thank both you and Ezra, for helping us find each other. Please be sure to get into some trouble together. I’ll bet you are the best of friends.
I’m ending this novel here tonight, Ro baby. Much to say still but my eyes are red, blurry and sleepy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I am always so sorry. Sweet dreams, baby boy. And of course it is now pouring down rain with a side of extra angry, thunder and lightening. Thank you. I hate being apart from you, just as much as you do.
Ronan. I have to live the rest of my life without the touch of your little hand, without hearing your sweet giggles, without getting lost in your piercing blue eyes. Somedays this makes me extremely sad. Somedays this makes me super bitter. Today, I found myself not crying, but looking at all the people around me and going why do you get to live and he doesn’t? He would have been such a good person. He would have made this world so much more beautiful. Who lives and who dies and who decides??? And why??? I’ll never have the answers to these questions. These thoughts fill my head at the most random moments. Today it was while walking through the local Walmart to pick up some water. I was thinking these thoughts then I get the other little voice in my head that says, “You are a bad person for thinking that your son deserved to live, yet this jack off who is yelling at his 8 kids, should die.” I quickly tell that little voice to fuck off, because I am just being honest and any mother would feel this way. If I can’t be honest in my head, than I can’t be honest anywhere. Thoughts like this leave me feeling restless and I often feel trapped in my own head or like a hamster that is running around on that freaking spinning wheel, going nowhere and never knowing when to stop. Love that never-ending cycle of grief/shame/resentment/guilt/sadness that I cannot seem to escape.
Today, I tried to get lost in the world of your brothers. I think I faked it really well. I played baseball with them for a few hours today. I pretended not to be looking for you everywhere, waiting to see you up next to bat. I took them to lunch. We went to see the new, “Ice Age,” move which you know destroyed me. That was one of your favorites. You loved that Scrat character so much. After the movie, we came home and played more baseball. I headed out to meet our Bri Bri for a quick run around the lake. It felt good to get out there and run. I haven’t been running much in AZ due to not being motivated to do so in the brutal heat. I’d rather hike instead. I’ve been saving my running for this Washington trip. It’s one of my favorite places to run from everything in my head that I cannot seem to escape. I didn’t escape anything today, but I got to spend a little time with my sissy which is always a treat. I miss her. I know you do, too.
I heard another story today about a maybe cancer faker in this very real and sad cancer world that I know all too well. I cannot even get upset about it tonight because anybody that would do such a thing… well, they are trapped in a hell of their own that I cannot even fathom. My normal self would be swearing up and down in my head, my blood would be boiling… but I don’t even have words tonight for somebody that would do such a thing. I am in a peaceful place and for once, I refuse to give into to the evil of the world around me and let it ruin the quietness that I am feeling tonight. Tonight, I don’t feel spicy or angry or like swearing like a truck driver. I am calm, tired, and listening to your brothers sleeping soundly is giving me comfort that I need to listen to for once.
I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I left my Ambien back in Phoenix. I don’t miss it. I slept well last night as I always seems to do here. The fresh air is good for me. I had a moment of panic yesterday when I went down to your treehouse with your brothers. Someone (I think your Nana) had painted little individual signs with all of your names on them to attach to the front of the treehouse wall. The door to the tree house was open as I was examining the names that hung above. My stomach dropped and I yelled to your brothers, “Why isn’t Ronan’s name up there?!” I almost started to cry. Liam yelled down to me, “It is mom. It’s on the front of the door, see.” There it was. In purple of course. I felt bad. Of course your Nana would not leave your name off of the tree house. Of course your Nana would not, not include you, just because you are not here. This is the same Nana, that had presents wrapped and underneath the Christmas Tree for you this year. She would NEVER leave you out just because you are not here. I cannot believe even for a second, that I thought she would. She includes you in everything that she does, every single day. She would never sweep you under the rug and pretend that you didn’t exist. She would never take you out of the equation. All she has to do is look at me and I know she is thinking about you. It’s painful to see but I am so thankful to know.
I have a lot more to tell you tonight all of a sudden. But I am too tired to continue on. It’s late little bug. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. They both refuse to sleep in their room here and are tucked away in bed, with me. I don’t mind; I only wish you were crammed in between us. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.
Ronan. I’m leaving on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be back again… Kidding, kidding. I am leaving on a jet plane, and I do know when I’ll be back again. I’m going to your favorite place in the world, besides our house. I’m taking your brothers to Nana and Papa’s, for the trip we’ve been taking since they were 6 months old. I don’t know how I feel about it. I never know how I am going to do going to places anymore. All that matters is THEY are so excited. All that matters is how THEY feel. I can put myself on hold. I feel nothing except numb. Your daddy asked me this week if I was excited to go. I just looked at him with my, “Really?” look. He then said, “O.k. excited is not the right word.” I told him all that mattered is that Liam and Quinn were excited. I think I will be good once I get there. The Pacific Northwest is good for my soul. And I do miss my parents. It will be nice to spend some time with them. It’s good for all of our souls as it warms my heart to watch your brothers playing the way I used to play when I was little. Lots of simple things. Everything outdoors. Mud. Rain. Picking berries. Splashing in rivers. Forest nature walks. Clean air. It’s calm, peaceful and quiet. All things I miss so very much. I like sleeping in my old bedroom where I grew up and not much has changed. I will miss you my little snuggle bug so very much though. You loved to cuddle up with me and we would always sleep with the windows open and fall asleep listening to the frogs, grasshoppers while the cool, crisp air lulled us to sleep. It’s fucking bullshit that you are now sleeping forever. Please hold on while I go and throw up. There has been a lot of that going on again, lately.
What has gone on this week? A blur of things. I remember a lot of conversations. Your daddy told me something while I was sleeping last night about someone’s son dying of an overdose of pills. Some celeb’s son. I don’t remember who. But I do remember asking your daddy what kind of pills they took. I remember him being mad/annoyed at my question, but I fell back into a deep sleep. Without my Ambien. Good girl, me. It’s been a week of tears. Bits of insanity in a totally sane world as sometimes I feel as if I am so alone that I am truly insane while everyone else gets to live in a sane world with all of their kids, safe and sound. I miss that safe/sane/happy/no REAL problems exist because everything can be fixed when you don’t live in a dead kid or my kid has cancer, world.
The conversations float through my mind that happened the past couple of days. Words that are always filled with pain. I got told that I looked peaceful. I tried not to cry. I smiled instead. “Well, I don’t feel peaceful, except for in this moment because I am around you and you make me feel that way.” I soaked up the peacefulness like someone who has not seen sunshine in months. I got asked why I was wearing my glasses. “Because they hide my tears better. Because after crying all day long, my contacts can only take so much. I like the world better when I can hide my eyes.” I got told you were missed. I said I knew and it hurt my heart. It breaks my heart over and over again. Not just for me, but for the others around you who loved you so much. I’ve decided that there is no totally fixing my broken heart. The second pieces of it start to get put back together, it just falls to the floor again to be shattered over and over again. I have come to find out that I think it will always just be this way. I often wonder if one day, my heart will just stop beating from all of this pain.
This is all for tonight, little one. I have to get up super early for a 6:45 a.m. flight where your brothers and I will leave your Daddy behind. I hate this so much. I’m so sorry you cannot come with us. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. xoxo
Ronan. I am o.k. with the dark places I have to go to once in a while. They are a part of my life now and I choose to face them, head on when they happen. They are awful, they are scary, but there is no avoiding them. This past week I’ve been living in them, but still somewhat functioning. I know my frienemy, Ambien, does not help with my mental well-being. I’ve been so great about not having to take anything to sleep for the past month, until 2 days ago, I threw in the towel both nights because I was in a bad place and just wanted some sleep. Let me tell you, the reproductions of Ambien are not worth it for me. My body/mind does not handle mind altering medications well at all. I have spent the past few days in such a hangover fog that I could hardly form a thought. Yesterday, was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. Your brothers went to basketball camp and stayed the night with your Mimi and Papa as they have not seen them for a while. This left me with the entire day to myself which you know I hate. It would not be this way, if you were here. You would have been with me, like you always were, yelling at me from your car seat, trying to get me to roll down your window so you could do something naughty like throw a Gatorade bottle out of it, or smearing whatever it is you could find, all over every inch of the car. I would have laughed, told you that was not nice and tried to discipline you, but you know I secretly loved whatever little shenanigans you were up to. It was always something.
I came home yesterday, to an empty house. A quiet house. I opened my computer to try to catch up on some emails, do some foundation things, etc… It wasn’t happening. I sat here and sobbed while sending Rita text message after text message which were codes for, “Hey, I’m not o.k. and I don’t know what to do.” I sent Stacy a text message as well and asked her if she could use her secret spy connections to get me a really good hotel rate for the night as I could not take being in my house for the day/night/your empty bedroom was too much. In a blink of an eye, it was done and I fled our house without looking back. I checked into the hotel that is maybe a mile away, but to me it felt like I was in another world. Anything was better than our house yesterday. I sent your daddy a message and told him where I was and asked him to pack a bag so we could stay at our home away from home for the night. He said sure thing, and he would meet me there in a few hours. He asked if where I wanted to go for dinner. I told him I didn’t care but I wasn’t capable of making a decision. He kept throwing out options but nothing was sounding good. We finally agreed on a place and I peeled myself out of bed a couple of hours later to run out so he could pick me up. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, AZ88. The restaurant that we kind of fell in love at as we used to frequent it all the time back when we were just dating and had no real responsibilities in life. We were just two young kids, who were crazy about each other and everything was so perfect, fun and good. It feels like that world never existed now. It feels like a fantasy world I made up in my head as now I am so caught up in the pain of this, that the happy memories of what once was, don’t really exist. I wasn’t in a talking mood last night. I was STARVING as it had been a few days since I had eaten. I just wanted to sit quietly and eat my food. Not much fun for your poor daddy, I know. But sometimes I am just so far in my head, in this grief space, that I cannot pull myself out of it. And if anybody else tries to get me out of it, off with their head I go. I was just about to take a bite of my sandwich when your daddy started talking about you. The “where do you think he is talk.” I just looked at him. The tears started to pool in my eyes. My throat tightened up and I thought I was going to start choking on my sandwich right then and there. I set my sandwich down. “Please. I can’t do this, tonight. I am starving. I just wanted to actually get a meal into my stomach. That’s it. Nothing more tonight. I can’t do more, tonight.” Your daddy apologized. He said he was sorry. That he can’t really talk about you, with anyone else, because nobody else really understands, but me. I felt like the worlds biggest asshole. I sometimes think I am the worlds biggest asshole. Well, after cancer that is. I pushed my sandwich away. Appetite gone. The waitress came over after your Daddy’s food disappeared. “Is there something wrong with your sandwich?” she asked. “No. Not at all, thank you. I’m just not as hungry as I thought I was.” insert fake smile here. Goodbye AZ88. I love you, but I might have to break up with you for a while. I came back to our room and threw up whatever little food I had in my stomach. I passed out cold after that. I woke up around 11:00 to some crazy thunder and lightning storm. Your daddy was still awake. I rolled over. Watched the lighting, listened to the rain, and fell back into a deep sleep, with a smile on my face. You always know when I need a storm, the most.
I had planned on driving up to Sedona the next day to see Dr. Jo. I got a late start on the road as it was 10:00 before I headed out. She sent me a text saying if it was going to be too rushed of a day, that she could meet me in Phoenix on Friday morning for a bit. Your daddy and I had a dinner planned with a friend for that evening so I was going to have to leave Sedona kind of early, to make it back in time. I told her nope, that I was already on the road and desperately needed to get out of Phoenix for the day and that the drive would be good for me. It always is. Of course I blared my music all the way up. Lots of Foster the People, Florence and The Machine, Neil Young, Red Hot Chili Peppers… the usual suspects kept me company. I got to Jo’s house and embraced my mama/sister/mentor/friend/soul mate that she has become. It had been over a month since I had seen her. Way too long. We caught up at her kitchen table. A few minutes later, we looked outside. It had started pouring rain and we watched the storm roll in. We both smiled. “Let’s go sit on the porch,” she said. We sat outside on her swing and let our legs get soaking wet while we swung and caught up. We went inside to make some tea and returned to outside to one of my favorite places in the world. The view of the red rock mountains surrounding her house are to die for. “I told Dave you were coming up today and that you would bring the rain with you. We have not had rain in forever up here.” I smiled and told her just to call me the Rain Goddess from now on. It really does blow my mind how when I am having a really hard time, I swear you know and bring me the rain just to make me smile for a few hours. Our cosmic connection I suppose. I’ll take it. I love it. My dinner date ended up getting canceled which meant I didn’t end up having to rush back to Phoenix. I stayed up in Sedona all day with Dr. Jo and we went for a walk/hike in the rain to grab some lunch. It was a good day. Sedona and Dr. JoRo are good for my soul. It is about the only time I feel peaceful in this fucking fucked up beyond fuckery of a world that is now mine.
Alright baby doll. I’m going to end this here; I have a ton of stuff to get done. Miss you much. Love you always. I hope you are safe. I am so, so very sorry.
Ronan. Someone had a party in your room last night and it was not you. That would have been me and my friend, Ambien that I have not taken for weeks now. It’s funny how just when you think you are making progress with little things like a normal sleep schedule and BAM! Out of nowhere, 10 giant steps back. Where is my natural sleep remedy, your New York Miss Macy when I need her? And why does that girl always relax me so much that I sleep like a baby when she is around? Insomnia strikes again tonight as well. Good times around here.
I had a meeting this morning. I felt like a zombie. I took your brothers with me. They quietly sat at the table with us and ate their breakfast. Not a peep was made. Sometimes they are so good that it makes me want to scream, but I was thankful for it this morning. After my meeting in regards to the Sept. 29th event, I ran your brothers to basketball camp. I went by Dr. JoRo’s office to sit and get some things done. She has been letting me use it while she hasn’t been there. I think I was pretty productive but I ended up crying hysterically when one of my MISS mama friends, popped her head into the room to see how I was doing. I tried to say fine, but the tears that followed told the truth. She came and hugged me and sat with me for a while. She told me about the dream she had of you. She asked if there was anything she could do. I just told her no. That there was nothing, anyone could do. She said she knew. I left there shortly after that as I had to pick up your brothers. We came home and spent the rest of the day, hanging out. I made them lunch and tried to do all the normal things that a normal mom does during the day when she does not have a dead child. It still feels foreign to me to go on with normal day to day things. I would give anything back to go back to our cancer world where all I did was take care of you and your brothers when I could. It is such an unfair world but it is so much less cruel than this. Your daddy came home and I told him I needed to go hiking. He took your brothers to Costco and to play basketball for me. I headed up to Camelback around 6:30 p.m. It was still so bloody hot out. I hiked that mountain as fast as I could. At one point my heart was racing so quickly that I thought to myself, I wonder why my body doesn’t just give out and have a heart attack right here. I wonder if this is what it feels like? I was panting so hard trying to get up the last stretch that I could not even breathe. There was some dude behind me. Ummmm, no way was I letting him beat me. He didn’t. I won the little made up competition in my head. I fell to the ground at the top as I could not even stand. I sat there and tried to get my heart rate to come down. I was dry heaving but due to not eating the entire day, I had nothing to throw up. I know I should have been up walking about but my legs would not let me stand back up. I soaked up the bright pink sunset. It was gorgeous up there. I spent way too long at my church, but that tends to happen to me up there. I could sit for hours and talk to you. It was already dark as I headed back down. Dark on Camelback is not a good or safe thing. The trail is steep, rocky, loose gravel everywhere. I did my best to navigate my way down with the little light that was left shining from the moon. I left my headlamp in the car. I was in a fuck it all mood today so fuck it all is what I did. The headlamp did not stand a chance of making it into your little backpack. I got down, somehow. Guided by you of course. It’s the only way I get through things now. I came home, threw off my drenched clothes and got in the shower. I felt so tired that I was sure tonight was going to be an easy night of sleep. I snuggled up to your daddy. I tried to be peaceful but that did not work. I ended up throwing pillows, tossing and turning only to wake him up from his very peaceful sleep of slumber. I told him I was sorry, I loved him, but had to get out of our room. He said it was alright but I know how much he misses me when I don’t sleep in our bed with him. Maybe I’ll attempt to go back there later.
I found out something from Fernanda today. Something that she didn’t tell me but she should have told me. I am just thankful that it is you, who is watching over her and taking care of her to make sure she is o.k. I know she has been talking to you a lot and asking you to help her with some things. You are being such a good, brave boy by taking good care of her so nothing can happen to her. I need her here, for a very long time. Remember how good of care, she took of us? I won’t ever forget it. Now it’s your turn, to take care of her, o.k. baby boy. I know you always are. Thank you for that.
I’m queasy probably from the way I over did things today. I’m getting sleepy. I think I’ll go and cuddle up to that daddy of yours. Goodnight baby doll. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.