What makes a person just up and crack? Because I think if anyone is entitled to, it’s me.

Ronan. I woke up this morning to the awful news of the shooting that happened in Colorado, during the new Batman movie. WTF is going on in the world? My heart is heavy for all those people who lost their loved ones due to some senseless act of… I don’t even know what to call it. Senseless act of nonsense I guess. Or senseless act of fuckwad fuckery might be even better. What in the world must be going through someone’s mind, to do such a thing? Do they have a dead child? Are they so angry/hurt/sad/defeated/lost/broken and so full of extreme pain all day everyday that they finally just crack one day? Well I am. And to do such a thing would never even cross my freaking mind. I don’t think there is any reasoning behind this madness. A mental illness perhaps? I don’t see any other answer, but I guess we will just wait and see. All I know is that kid, made a fucking choice to hurt so many innocent people. And all for what? All for nothing. Why can’t people like this, get cancer and die before they have the time to plot and scheme to do such a thing. Why didn’t that kid get cancer and die instead of you? Yeah, I said it. Fucking asshole. I am glad he didn’t die. Do you know what I wish? Instead of letting him get off by putting him in some prison somewhere, let’s put him in his own private cell and hook him up to chemo treatments for the next 50 years of his life. Let’s put him through chemo, radiation, a stem cell transplant or two, over and over again. That would be the ultimate punishment, without a doubt.

Your brothers were dying to see the new Batman movie today. They knew what happened at the theatre, before I did. We had a long talk about it. I felt weird taking them to the movie… but I did. I still feel weird about it. How could I possibly sit in a theatre, to watch a movie when all these people’s lives have been shattered? It seemed morally wrong. I did it anyway. I don’t feel good about my choice… but it was one I made today, for the sake of your brothers and honestly, I wanted to get lost in the world of something else for a couple of hours. Movies aren’t easy for me to watch but today, I forced myself to sit through this one. I could not stop thinking about all the parent’s who will now know what it like to have a dead child. Something a parent should never have to know. I’m so sorry to all of them. I had a breakdown in the shower today, for all of them. I had a breakdown, much of the day. There were a lot of tears shed today. Sometimes I truly do think you were too beautiful for this ugly world. It is ugly, Ronan. Things like this unnecessary tragedy, proves it. There is not explaining or justifying this. It is unjustifiable, just like all these kids getting cancer and dying from it. Just like your death. No reason or answer for such things, will ever be good enough.

Today, I hung out with your Nana. I stayed at her cafe for a bit while she closed it up. I talked to the group of men that come in for their coffee, right before she closes. So sweet. They all know all about you. Everyone does. They all told me how proud you would be of me. One of them told me, he was worried about me, until he saw me in person. Because after seeing me, he knows that I am going to be alright. I wasn’t sure how to take that, but it made me smile. I told him thank you. That I was trying my best which was all I could do. A girl came into get some of your bracelets. You know how much I love meeting your little lovies. I went over to her and introduced myself. She was so sweet. We talked for a while. She was having a hard time, holding back her tears. It didn’t take long before we were both crying and I embraced this stranger, for a hug. I am always thankful how it seems that you are inspiring a whole world of people, who never even knew you. It truly does warm my heart.

Do you know that I miss you every second of every single day? That it makes me so sad during the times that I am teaching your brother really important things about life, that you are not here to take part in this too? Here are my examples for the day, Ronan. The 3 of us were driving in the car today. A super important life lesson was learned. We had the radio on, of course. That Quinn of your is so obsessed with music that it makes me smile. A Tom Petty song came on that he hadn’t heard before. I squealed with excitement. But he went to change the station. I quickly said, “Nooooo! You cannot change the station. It’s a Tom Petty song! Rule number one in the car, boys… NEVER CHANGE THE STATION WHEN A TOM PETTY SONG IS ON!” They both laughed. Stevie Nicks came on next so they were also schooled in the amazingness of her as well. Very important life lessons indeed. Here is my other funny story. I was playing the game Life with the two of them the other day. It came to my turn and I had to stop to get married. I looked at your brothers and said, “I’d like a wife, please.” They both giggled and Liam handed me a pink lady, to ride in my car with me. We continued to play and at one point, Liam knocked my car over and my little peeps fell out. Quinn goes, “Move, Liam! I’m trying to put mom’s wife back in the car!” I thought this was so cute, so funny, and so very sweet. I felt proud of your brothers who are being raised to learn that love comes in all forms and it does not matter your race, sexuality, or what anyone else thinks. It was a proud mama moment, to say the least. I am sorry you are not here to learn these things, too. Somedays, this still doesn’t feel real to me. A lot of days, I pretend that you are still here with us. It helps me to get though the days that still seem to drag on.

That was yesterday, Ro baby. Today was much of the same. We all slept in and played outside. Your brothers really wanted to go to Derrick’s baseball game tonight. The thought of this gave me major anxiety. A packed baseball game… lots of people…I don’t do well in crowds. I gave myself a big pep talk. “Come on, Maya. It means so much to Liam and Quinn. You can do this, for them.” I really did want to see Derrick play too. You would be so proud of him. He’s grown up so much that it kills me! I remember when that boy was your brothers age. Your brothers have always idolized him. You loved him, too. I’m sad you didn’t get to see his amazing catch that has been all over ESPN. He should have won that ESPY award; he was totally robbed. He had another great catch tonight that made me smile. Your brothers had the best time and I did alright myself. I sat in my little space surrounded by your brothers, Papa Jim, your Auntie Cindy, Uncle Tim and Derrick’s darling girlfriend. I missed you so much. You would have loved the game. You were always so crazy about baseball.

I might end this here, now. I’m sad. I’m tired. I miss your daddy. I miss you even more though. I always will. I will always miss you, more than anybody else in this whole big wide world. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo