Ronan. I am o.k. with the dark places I have to go to once in a while. They are a part of my life now and I choose to face them, head on when they happen. They are awful, they are scary, but there is no avoiding them. This past week I’ve been living in them, but still somewhat functioning. I know my frienemy, Ambien, does not help with my mental well-being. I’ve been so great about not having to take anything to sleep for the past month, until 2 days ago, I threw in the towel both nights because I was in a bad place and just wanted some sleep. Let me tell you, the reproductions of Ambien are not worth it for me. My body/mind does not handle mind altering medications well at all. I have spent the past few days in such a hangover fog that I could hardly form a thought. Yesterday, was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. Your brothers went to basketball camp and stayed the night with your Mimi and Papa as they have not seen them for a while. This left me with the entire day to myself which you know I hate. It would not be this way, if you were here. You would have been with me, like you always were, yelling at me from your car seat, trying to get me to roll down your window so you could do something naughty like throw a Gatorade bottle out of it, or smearing whatever it is you could find, all over every inch of the car. I would have laughed, told you that was not nice and tried to discipline you, but you know I secretly loved whatever little shenanigans you were up to. It was always something.
I came home yesterday, to an empty house. A quiet house. I opened my computer to try to catch up on some emails, do some foundation things, etc… It wasn’t happening. I sat here and sobbed while sending Rita text message after text message which were codes for, “Hey, I’m not o.k. and I don’t know what to do.” I sent Stacy a text message as well and asked her if she could use her secret spy connections to get me a really good hotel rate for the night as I could not take being in my house for the day/night/your empty bedroom was too much. In a blink of an eye, it was done and I fled our house without looking back. I checked into the hotel that is maybe a mile away, but to me it felt like I was in another world. Anything was better than our house yesterday. I sent your daddy a message and told him where I was and asked him to pack a bag so we could stay at our home away from home for the night. He said sure thing, and he would meet me there in a few hours. He asked if where I wanted to go for dinner. I told him I didn’t care but I wasn’t capable of making a decision. He kept throwing out options but nothing was sounding good. We finally agreed on a place and I peeled myself out of bed a couple of hours later to run out so he could pick me up. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, AZ88. The restaurant that we kind of fell in love at as we used to frequent it all the time back when we were just dating and had no real responsibilities in life. We were just two young kids, who were crazy about each other and everything was so perfect, fun and good. It feels like that world never existed now. It feels like a fantasy world I made up in my head as now I am so caught up in the pain of this, that the happy memories of what once was, don’t really exist. I wasn’t in a talking mood last night. I was STARVING as it had been a few days since I had eaten. I just wanted to sit quietly and eat my food. Not much fun for your poor daddy, I know. But sometimes I am just so far in my head, in this grief space, that I cannot pull myself out of it. And if anybody else tries to get me out of it, off with their head I go. I was just about to take a bite of my sandwich when your daddy started talking about you. The “where do you think he is talk.” I just looked at him. The tears started to pool in my eyes. My throat tightened up and I thought I was going to start choking on my sandwich right then and there. I set my sandwich down. “Please. I can’t do this, tonight. I am starving. I just wanted to actually get a meal into my stomach. That’s it. Nothing more tonight. I can’t do more, tonight.” Your daddy apologized. He said he was sorry. That he can’t really talk about you, with anyone else, because nobody else really understands, but me. I felt like the worlds biggest asshole. I sometimes think I am the worlds biggest asshole. Well, after cancer that is. I pushed my sandwich away. Appetite gone. The waitress came over after your Daddy’s food disappeared. “Is there something wrong with your sandwich?” she asked. “No. Not at all, thank you. I’m just not as hungry as I thought I was.” insert fake smile here. Goodbye AZ88. I love you, but I might have to break up with you for a while. I came back to our room and threw up whatever little food I had in my stomach. I passed out cold after that. I woke up around 11:00 to some crazy thunder and lightning storm. Your daddy was still awake. I rolled over. Watched the lighting, listened to the rain, and fell back into a deep sleep, with a smile on my face. You always know when I need a storm, the most.
I had planned on driving up to Sedona the next day to see Dr. Jo. I got a late start on the road as it was 10:00 before I headed out. She sent me a text saying if it was going to be too rushed of a day, that she could meet me in Phoenix on Friday morning for a bit. Your daddy and I had a dinner planned with a friend for that evening so I was going to have to leave Sedona kind of early, to make it back in time. I told her nope, that I was already on the road and desperately needed to get out of Phoenix for the day and that the drive would be good for me. It always is. Of course I blared my music all the way up. Lots of Foster the People, Florence and The Machine, Neil Young, Red Hot Chili Peppers… the usual suspects kept me company. I got to Jo’s house and embraced my mama/sister/mentor/friend/soul mate that she has become. It had been over a month since I had seen her. Way too long. We caught up at her kitchen table. A few minutes later, we looked outside. It had started pouring rain and we watched the storm roll in. We both smiled. “Let’s go sit on the porch,” she said. We sat outside on her swing and let our legs get soaking wet while we swung and caught up. We went inside to make some tea and returned to outside to one of my favorite places in the world. The view of the red rock mountains surrounding her house are to die for. “I told Dave you were coming up today and that you would bring the rain with you. We have not had rain in forever up here.” I smiled and told her just to call me the Rain Goddess from now on. It really does blow my mind how when I am having a really hard time, I swear you know and bring me the rain just to make me smile for a few hours. Our cosmic connection I suppose. I’ll take it. I love it. My dinner date ended up getting canceled which meant I didn’t end up having to rush back to Phoenix. I stayed up in Sedona all day with Dr. Jo and we went for a walk/hike in the rain to grab some lunch. It was a good day. Sedona and Dr. JoRo are good for my soul. It is about the only time I feel peaceful in this fucking fucked up beyond fuckery of a world that is now mine.
Alright baby doll. I’m going to end this here; I have a ton of stuff to get done. Miss you much. Love you always. I hope you are safe. I am so, so very sorry.