Ronan. What is this life without you, like? It’s like I cannot remember what happiness felt like at all in my life. This pain is so heavy that I cannot remember it any other way. I try so very hard to remember what it felt like, to hold you after I just had you. I want to remember and feel the happiness that I know I felt, but all that does is bring me to tears for remembering bringing you into this world and watching you leave it, go hand in hand. It’s cruelest thing to experience and feel. I am back in that very dark space of feeling like I am buried alive and I don’t know how I am going to find the air to breathe. I know I go here quite a bit. I imagine it’s hard for others to read about and for those closest to me, to watch me go through. I know all of this. Imagine being me, and feeling all of this and living all of this. Imagine being me and thanking your lucky stars, that you are not.
I did a lot of things today, that consisted of doing a lot of nothing at all. Your brothers had a day with their Mimi and Papa. This left me to my own project solo mission Maya. Mission complete. Mission success? Mission failed? I am still here I guess. Mission still standing, but barely breathing is good enough for me. I had a lot of conversations today. Names shall not be revealed. I said a lot of things. I meant them all.
Phone call number one went a little something like this, but not exactly like this. Ring, Ring!!!!!!
I picked up the phone. I rarely do this for anyone. I pick up the phone for about 4 people in my life, consistently. The conversation was long, so here is the short version.
-Maya. I feel like you are not wearing lipgloss. I don’t know what to do.
I peel my matted hair, off of my pillow. Shit. I think I’m so far gone, that I don’t even realize that I have not really worn lipgloss, in about a week. “Shit! I don’t know how to tell you this, but I have not worn lipgloss in a week. OMG. And, you should see my nails. They are chipped, chewed, and they have been like this, for over a week now. DO NOT TELL FERNANDA.”
-What are we going to do, I don’t know what to do. You know I’m calling Dr. Jo, as soon as I get off the phone with you, right?
“Yeah, I know.” I whispered. Now I am crying. I hate crying into the phone when I am trying to explain to somebody, the reasons that I am not going to kill myself.
“You know what I’ve been doing, since I got here? I’ve been being still (besides the marathon but exercise doesn’t count) I’ve been sitting still, like I know I need to do, and it does NOT feel good. If fact, I feel worse than I have felt in a long time. I know this is part of the process, but I don’t think it’s working for me!”
– This sounds like depression. You distract a lot. You are always doing. This is maybe what you need to do?
“Well, if this is what I need to do, then this blows. This does not feel good or healthy to me. I like being busy when I am doing busy things. It may be a distraction, but I think of Ronan in everything that I do. I hurt in everything I do. But the businesses helps me to survive.”
-Please don’t die. Please put on some lipgloss. Have you been showering?
“Yes. But only because I am hygienically OCD. Otherwise, I would not be. I’m going to go now. I need a manicure and I don’t think I’ve eaten in 3 days.”
-That is not good. Go and eat. I love you, little friend. Know that.
I run out the door as fast as my weary body will take me. I need a taco. And some chips and salsa, asap.
I know I cannot come back here, next year. I came here really only for the sake of your brothers. And because this is our one special thing that we do consistently, every year. We’ve been doing this since your brothers were 2 months old. It’s been our family getaway, our time together, our peace and your daddy’s way of working his butt off, so we can do this great family thing, and feel good about this is the reason why, he works 70 hours a week. I don’t know what we will do next year, but it won’t be this. This family tradition is going to have to change, because our family is no longer the same. All I want to do here is sleep and cry and sleep and cry. I have no motivation to do anything at all. After an exhausting day of doing nothing, I got your brothers home and spent a few hours, hanging out with them. They both drifted off to sleep fairly early. This leaves me alone, in the dark, watching them sleep. I pray to you for a long time. I close my eyes. My phone rings. I feel a real smile come across my face when I see who it is, that is calling. I am aware when real smiles happen in my life now. It’s as if you are putting them there. My real smile, makes my heart float. I pick up the phone.
-Lover!!!!!!!! Do I get to see your face tomorrow?” purrs the voice on the other end.
“Hi, Macy. Please tell me you are coming tomorrow. Please. We can’t wait to see you.”
-I can’t wait to see you all! I miss you and the boys so much!!
“It’s all Quinn and Liam have been talking about. I am going to feed you a lot of hummus, coke and candy.” (that’s all we lived off of, last summer)
-I will see you tomorrow! Give Q-dub a squeeze for me, since I know he’s right there.
“Goodnight, Macy. I love you.”
I hang up the phone. Macy will be here tomorrow night. Macy will make everything better for a few days. Macy is the life raft I need right now. I am thankful. I fall asleep with a smile on my face.
Tomorrow is here. Happy New York Miss Macy Day, to me. Today is guaranteed to be a better day. I love you sweet boy. I miss you. I hope you are safe.