Hellllooo June! Nice to see you!

It’s not the critic who counts

It’s not the critic who counts,
not the man who points out
how the strong man stumbles
or where the doer of deeds
could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred
by dust and sweat and blood,
who strives valiantly,
who errs and comes short
again and again because
there is no effort without
error and shortcomings,
who knows the great devotion,
who spends himself in a worthy cause,
who at best knows in the end the high achievement of triumph
and who at worst, if he fails while daring greatly,
knows his place shall never be with those timid and cold souls
who know neither victory nor defeat.

– Theodore Roosevelt, 26th US President

My marathon is Sunday. As in, this Sunday. I stuck by my words and did not train at all. I did a few runs, here and there. But in no way shape or form, did I train for this marathon. I saw an opportunity, and I ran with it. I wanted to raise enough money, to help fund Dr. Mosse’s trial at CHOP. I did not want to have to throw a normal fundraiser, to do this. I took this on as a personal challenge to myself, to see if I could actually get this done. I did it. We raised enough money, in just a few short weeks, to do this. It was a lot of money. I am over the moon about succeeding. None of this would not have happened, without all of you. All of you who believe in me, so much, that you donated what you could donate. Whether it was 1 dollar, or 5k…. the bottom line is, I have a world of support surrounding me that will continue to help me move these mountains. The impossible will be done because I have the most amazing group of people, supporting me at all times. This would not exist without this blog. This is what makes every backlash, every “you are doing the wrong things,” the “stop putting all of this out there,” SO WORTH IT. It is so beyond worth it. I always said Ronan’s Foundation is not here to be conventional and like every other foundation out there. There are some amazing ones out there, do not get me wrong…. but I know Ronan’s will be different. Ronan’s is his and mine and nobody is going to take this story away from us. May the bridges I burn, light the way to something else so extraordinary, that the normal human in the box thinker, cannot even see yet. I can see it. I’ve always been able to see it. My eyes are Ronan’s eyes. I see everything through my child’s eyes, and today, they are not blurry. Today, my soul is on fire. Today, I am so proud of who I am, who I am becoming, and who I hope to achieve to be. I am proud of all of my mistakes as they are my mistakes to make and I try my best to learn from them. To grow from them and they help me cut to the chase with a lot of bullshit in life that I am just not dealing with anymore. I am thankful to my parents for giving me the gift of an open mind and an open heart. I learned all of those things, from them. Now, all I have to do is run this marathon and finish this marathon. I am going to try my hardest and try my best. I will finish. It is going to be ugly, but I will finish. No matter how bad my time, sucks. All I care about is crossing that finish line and making you all proud. This is a also a personal test to myself. If I can do this, I can do anything I set my mind to. I am going to run the entire marathon thinking about Ronan. About our love and our loss. About how this is all for him and always will be. I have no doubt this marathon will be filled with so much pain, determination, courage, strength and fire… that it can and will be achieved. I do not doubt my heart at all. I will not only carry Ronan with me, but all of the other babes I now know and love. Ava will be heavy on my mind as well as a sweet little girl named Charlotte Rose Kelly, who passed away from Neuroblastoma as well. Her mom reached out to me and sent a very generous donation to help us fund Dr. Mosse’s trial. She says I give her strength with my words. Once again, this would not happen without this blog. I am so thankful for you, Patrice. That you are able to see my light in the darkness of all of this. I will run extra hard on Sunday, thinking of you and your sweet baby girl. I am so sorry that you know what this pain and my tears feel like. I wish it was not this way, for any of us.

I knew that the first thing that I was going to fund was going to go to Dr. Mosse. Your daddy asked if I was sure about this because there are a lot of people that need support and money for research. I looked your daddy in the eyes and said to him, “Without a doubt, 110% this is who this money is going to.” It is the least I can do for her. This is not about just the research for me. This goes much deeper than that. This is about a person, who had a very hard job to do, in telling 2 parents that there was nothing that could be done for you, Ronan. This is about a person, that had the courage, grace, compassion, and dignity to look us in the eyes and tell us how truly sorry she was. This to me, Ronan, is PRICELESS. I am doing this for her, because of what she did for us. Although, she never had the privilege of taking care of you, she took care of me in the only way she could have, instead. By giving me the gift of looking me in the eye. I will always be so thankful for that. So, Sunday is going to be here before I know it. I am not running in a new pair of shoes. I will wear the purple one’s that I always wore, with you. I will wear my NYC Yankees hat, because it is always what I wore, with you. Those 2 things have been with me though out your treatment and after. I will never throw them away although my purple pumped up kicks have seen better days. I am not running in anything else. I know you will be there with me, pushing me when my body is ready to give up and quit. I am going to need you, little one.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who donated and made this possible. This could not have happened, without you. Thank you for not giving up on me no matter how many times I have “offended,” you. Thank you for being able to see past that and finding it in your hearts to see beyond the things that may appear on the surface. Thank you for not forgetting that this is about a sick little boy, who never hurt a fly and did not deserve any of this. Who could be angry at a child and turn away from that due to words that I may write? Take my words away and if you can still picture Ronan’s face and are filled with anger or disappointment due to the things that I have said, then I freaking feel sorry for you. I don’t want your support anyway. Go give it to some other charity like “Save the Unicorns of the World.” Because that right there, will cure childhood cancer. This is about something so much bigger than my words. This is about a life of a child that deserved better. This is about the life of all of the other babies, kids, and teenagers who are diagnosed and will fight cancer while everybody else, tries to looks the other way. This is about awareness. I must be doing something right if I have almost 2.7 million hits on this blog. I have to think that most of you, are still here because you believe in good over evil. Because as I have often said before, there will be beauty that comes of this. No matter how ugly it may get. If you are still with me, I thank you so much for not looking the other way. I thank you for being brave enough to laugh with me, cry with me, scream with me, get mad at me; but you still find it in your hearts to never give up on this story and to never give up on Ronan. I love you all. See you on Sunday, 26.2!

P.S. That quote above was sent to me today, by one of my former lovies of the month, Kassie. I think I will print it out, and read it every freaking day. Thanks, Kass. Once again, I would not know this kind soul, without this blog. I will never regret any backlash because all of the beauty that has come from this, so outweighs it all.


I love my Bible reading, totally devote Christian, Rissy Roo

Ronan. I have 5000 words to say tonight, but nothing to actually say, because I have too much to say. Does that make sense? I just need to wrap my head around some things and sit with some things for a while. Today, I had a nice long chat with Rita. I do this a lot as she is really good about telling me if I am being insane or not insane. She tells me I am being insane, a lot. Today, she told me I was being insane. I said, “Ok. I get that. I will listen to you. I can work with that. I can try to fix that.” In the middle of our you are being insane talk, she also said to me, “You don’t sound so good. Are you o.k.?” Grrrr…. My cover was blown! How could she tell, that I had been sitting in my bed, sobbing? I put on my best I am totally fine normal voice. ESP. Not only does she have a professional singing voice, but she also has ESP as well. I’d better always stay her friend. You never know when those two things could come in very handy in life and just might save my butt. Tonight, when I talked to Rita, she did not think I was being insane. She listened to me cry instead over the story I told her. Tonight we had a good, long talk where I listened to her opinions and advice and verified that tonight I was not in a crazy/insane place. Tonight, I was in a place of hurt and sadness and rightfully so. She also maybe almost offered to buy me my machete. That is how much I think she hurts for me sometimes. And she really does not want to buy me a machete, but tonight she was totally down for it. That made me laugh. Yeah, I don’t really know what I would do without our little Rita. She gets it more than anybody, even though she says she does not. She gets me (most of the time) so that counts for something.

I don’t know where else I really want to go with this post. I took my first Ambien in over a week to calm my nerves/to help me sleep as I am so upset I know sleep would not be happening tonight. I had a hard day doing a lot of crying. I think Coronado Island is being run by all little boys who are 3,4,and 5. Nobody else seems to exist. I had a 3, almost 4, and a dead 5-year-old too, except he couldn’t be here to play. Such a shame. He would have had so much fun, jumping in the water, begging me to take him surfing, throwing rocks off of places they shouldn’t have been thrown. I know he would have had the best summer with me.

I have this picture tonight to post Ronan, of us. I know it’s blurry and not the best quality. I have stared at this picture for 2 days now. Don’t even look at me. Look at my little boy. This picture says everything. He loved me so much. He thought I was the funniest mama on the planet. He adored me. And he was so happy. I know every single thing that he was feeling at that moment, because I was feeling it too. I was asked about peace tonight. If I will ever come to peace with losing you. My answer was, “Yes. When I am dead.” As long as I am living on this earth, without you, I will never be at peace with that. I think I will be able to find little pieces here and there, but no, I will never be fully at peace, without you Ronan. Are there mother’s out there who are at peace with losing their child or children? I am sure that there are. I am happy for them. I will not be this way. Ever. I don’t care how much my heart changes or softens. None of that will take away this pain. I am ending this now. I’ve taken my stupid Ambien and now due to the fact that it looks like the picture of you, on my screen saver is coming alive and you are moving. I just spent the past 20 minutes, touching your face, watching you breathe, all while crying and telling you to get out of that computer screen and come back to me. Yeah, Rita… even I know that’s insane.

I am getting a text message from my very serious/hardcore Christian inter, Rissy. She loves me to pieces. She tells me all the time that I am the most beautiful soul she has ever encountered and she does this all by reading my blog, spending actual time with me and holding her bible close to her heart. She embraces the way we see differently on things, but we respect and love each other enough to never be offended by our differences. I listen openly to her. I support the mission trips she goes on. I love all of that for her, so very much. In no way, shape or form does Rissy’s Christianity offend me. I think it is beautiful that she has that. It has made her one of the best people I’ve ever met. Rissy loves me for me. Rissy does not judge me. I do not offend Rissy when I’ll admit it, my words can be offensive to most. Rissy sees me as a mom, who lost a child, and from losing a child, she is trying to figure everything out again. What life looks like, once again. All while trying to make the world a better place for these kids who are dealing with cancer. I don’t write on here, every single thing I have going on, but it is a lot. It is a lot of good things that are already making a difference. I’m not going to waste my time, by sitting around and being sad and not doing anything. I am going to spend my time, being sad, but also being productive. I am sure there are so many people that just wish I would stop this blog and go back to a normal life where cancer never existed. Not happening. I’m not walking away from this. Do you know when this story will end? I will tell you. It will end like this:
“Maya Thompson did so much good in the world that Ronan was brought back to her, healthy and alive. They lived happily ever after. The End

That’s when the blog writing will stop. And I’ll say the same thing over and over again. You don’t like what I write on here, then don’t read it. That will not offend me at all. I have several friends who do this and it is fine by me. I cannot please everyone. I am not worried about pleasing everyone. This is about being Ronan’s mama still. This is the way I want to be his mama. G’nite monkey boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.