Ronan. It’s not time yet, right? No. Not yet. I still had a couple of days left with you. I woke up today, not knowing what day it was. I grabbed my phone and thought to myself, please don’t let it be the 8th. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that it was only the 7th. The 7th I can deal with. The 8th I’m sad for. The 9th I’m scared for. It will be here before I know it. Everyone is scared. I got a text from Rita today telling me she was bloody scared for me. She said she is scared that I want to die the most yet. She said she is scared that I will forget our sacred ninja promise. I responded with the truth which is I want to die, every single day. But I won’t. I don’t care how painful this gets. I would not do something that would be so disrespectful to you. That’s really what it boils down to. Life is so precious. Dying by my own hands would be such a slap in the face to you. It’s the easy way out. It’s the selfish way out. I don’t take the easy way out with anything I do. And I’m not selfish. Except when I need to be ,which is only because I have to take care of myself sometimes. And sometimes taking care of myself makes me seem selfish. Fuck it. I don’t really care. Is that selfish? Probably. But I think I’ve earned that right. I won’t do that to you, Ronan. I won’t off myself like I often dream about. You know I think I failed you. I told Rita I will not fail you, again, by not saving myself. I will not let cancer destroy everything that you are trying to do in this very broken world. Cancer may have taken my soul, but it will not take my spirit. I won’t let it, Ro. I won’t let it for you.
Today, we slept in a bit around here. I fell asleep easily last night, without Ambien, but it was late when I did. I fell asleep and stayed asleep which rarely happens. I needed it. I woke up to your over-anxious brothers, so excited about the day. We showered and got ready and headed out. We spent the day exploring the town, eating the freshest seafood I’ve ever had in my life, playing on the cold beach, and I went for a run. I keep trying to remind myself that I do have a marathon coming up to run. Ummmm… just a little 26.2 miles to do. I have not run, in months. I did 6 miles tonight and it was so easy, it was stupid. Well, not stupid because it felt good. I think I could have kept going. I keep telling myself running is 90% mental, right? I may have just made that up in my head, but it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can run this marathon, without training for it because I am surviving you not being here, which is mentally hardest thing one can go through. I can do this marathon. All I’ll have to do, is think of you the entire way through and I will be fine. I think a lot of people are coming to San Diego, to cheer me on. The more the merrier. I will need all the screaming and FUCK YOU CANCER!!! that I can get.
Rita also texted me to say that a lot of people are wanting to do something for your death day. The 9th. She wanted to know if it was alright. I told her of course. People are wanting to let balloons go, which of course I am more than alright with. How about a black day with colorful balloons? Preferably purple balloons. I would like to fill the sky with them for you. I like that. I’m wearing black. Black is sad. Black is the color of grief. But black is also powerful, soulful and strong. For your death day, black fits. White made sense on the day we had your service. But not for the day that you died. There is nothing beautiful about the day you died. I’m going to wear black on this day, for the rest of my life. It is the only thing that feels right to me.
As for other things…. is it too much to say I think that everyone should just stop everything they are doing for the day? If I had my way, the entire world would go black. What did your Sparkly say to me a couple of weeks ago that made me laugh out loud? That maybe he should listen to me and just have a “Fuck it all day.” A day where you literally just do whatever you want and say fuck the rest of the “things” that you are supposed to be doing. Just for one day, blow it all off. Blow it all off because everyone deserves to have one day, where they are so grateful for all that they have, that nothing else matters. If I had you here, if I had you here and Liam and Quinn too, I would to this. I would listen to this and spend the day, totally lost in the world of the three of you. I would have kept you home from school. We would have went to do something extra special and fun. Rules and time-outs would not have existed. I would have told you 100 times how much I love you, how I was the luckiest mama in the world, how there is no place that was more important to me, than being with the 3 of you. It would have been the best day ever.
This is all I can do tonight, little one. Tomorrow is the 8th. I have to figure out how to wrap my head around what is to come. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
Ronan. I am in the eye of the storm. The month of hell. You are working really, really hard, to make sure I survive this. You have been working so hard, that I can hardly keep up with all of the amazing things that have been going on. This week has been a blur. Between finishing my 30 day hiking challenge, working on some things for your foundation, preparing for our trip, a couple of amazing dinners about some ideas that I would like to see happen, getting ready for your birthday at PCH… I don’t even know what day it is. That is probably a good thing for today. I would not have made it through the week if I had been sitting around, thinking about where we were, last year at this time. I know where we were. I had 5 days left with you. Just 5 days. And tomorrow it will be four. I still don’t know how this can be, but it is. This is just the way it is and there is nothing I can do, to change it.
I had one of the best nights I’ve had in a really, really, long time the other night. You just happened to make sure your Fairy RoMo, got dropped in my lap at the beginning of the month of hell. How in the world did you pull that one off? I don’t know, but the stars aligned and the next thing I knew, your Fairy RoMo just landed in my lap. It just happened to be on the night of Rita’s birthday, too. The two of us met up with your Fairy RoMo at some Hotel that seemed to not have a name because it was as if we were somewhere completely else, not 10 minutes away from our house. We sat outside, under the stars and got lost in the night. We talked, laughed, cried, and worked on our evil little plans to take over the world, while curing childhood cancer and traveling to Iceland. I watched them, watch me. I watched the way they looked so so sad, yet both of their eyes sparkled in the night whenever we talked about you. I listened to the most beautiful story about a purple balloon that was let go in Central Park for you. I started to cry during this story. Not only out of sadness but also out of love. The sadness and love of the story that was told was one of the most beautiful things I have heard since losing you. I watched my friends as they looked at me and said, “You have to stay here. You promised.” I told them I knew. I remind myself of the promise I made 50 times a day to keep me going. After a very late night of lots of Roplans I came home exhausted but I felt peaceful. Being in the presence of those two very special souls heals little pieces of my heart. They leave me feeling inspired and my soul awakened. I know they are both gifts from you. It was because of them, that I made it through that May day.
Now it is a new May Day. May 6th. 3 more days. 3 more days is all I had left of you, at this time, last year. I had to get out of Phoenix. We left today. Left to go far, far away but it will never be far enough. This is not a vacation. This is a get me the fuck out of Phoenix for the day that he died/his birthday. Vacations will never exist in my world again. We made it to our destination and I hate the reason that we are here. But all I can continue to do is to continue to fight upstream in this never-ending battle of a current that wants me to drown. It is a constant never ending battle and on days like today, I get really tired. Days like today that consist of long airplane rides with a little 5-year-old stranger that sits right across from you in the aisle of the airplane. I wanted to say to his mom, “Hey! I have a 5-year-old too! He is right next to me. Maybe our two little boys could play together on this very long, very boring, flight to hell. Wait? You are not going to hell? I am. Because my 5-year-old is dead. So I don’t get to have him here anymore. But so nice meeting you! Have a great vacation!”
I didn’t get to say any of those things. I sat on the airplane with Quinn instead and did not even cry. I felt numb. Yeah. I scooped out some of your ashes this morning before we left. And guess what. I didn’t even cry doing this. How is that possible? Because I am that strong? No. It has nothing to do with strength. It has everything to do with this being so unreal to me, that it is not real. I often leave my body when I have to do things like this. I leave my own body a lot and I swear I float above, watching the girl below scoop out her child’s ashes of his urn while not crying. Sometimes it’s the only way to get through this. I don’t know how I’m going to survive these next days coming up but what choice do I have? Your brothers are happy. Your brothers are excited. I am trying my hardest to act happy and excited too, Ronan. But everything is screaming that this is all so wrong. Everything is screaming to get me as far away from this fucked up world as possible because there is nothing right about any of this.
This is all for tonight, baby doll. This is all I can do. I’m so sorry. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.
We are sooooo close to getting this trial for Dr. Yael Mosse at Chop funded. Do you want to help??? Do you have 5 dollars to make me holla?!?! Skip the Starbucks today! Let’s save some kids!!!
The donations have been pouring in thanks to the power of Facebook and social media in general! I am so humbled, proud, and filled with RoLove that I could explode. Thank you so much to all of you who have donated already! It’s because of all of you, that we will do this!
If you have not donated, there is still lots of time to do so. Come on peeps! If I can run 26.2 miles, without training, 5 bucks is nothing! It would mean the world to me. Ronan would be so proud.
Thanks lovely little blog readers! And Happy Star Wars Day, Ro baby. I know the force is with you. I love you.
Ronan. This is just how things work now. When things come to me, they just come. For almost a month now, I’ve been hiking my butt off. Worrying about your birthday and what it is I wanted to do. Pressuring myself to figure things out. Some days, ideas came. Other days nothing came at all. I tried not to get too frustrated with myself. Nothing felt good enough. Nothing felt right. Nothing could hold a candle to making this day as beautiful as it should be. As beautiful as you are. I stopped thinking so much. I felt instead. The Phoenix Children’s Hospital plan came together slowly. But I knew there had to be something else. I knew your birthday had to be something that everyone could share. Your love can do so much good. Your love will do so much good. Your love will change this broken world. I know this.
I sat at Dr. JoRo’s office for most of the day. She was not there but let me use her office so I could work without having to be at home. I cannot work from home. It is too painfully quiet. I sat in her office and worked away. It felt cozy and safe. I turned on my computer screen and my hands starting writing away. The words for your Ronan’s Day of Love flyer flew of nowhere. I texted your little LoRo. I asked her if I gave her the verbiage, if she could put together something for me to help spread the word about the day I was wanting to create. She said of course. She was so happy to do it. I was so thankful to have her to ask. It was done within minutes. It is darling. It is sweet. It is pure and came from my heart. It came of a place of feelings not thoughts. I didn’t have to think when I wrote out my words. I often don’t. I don’t usually think when I write on here. I feel. Your day of love came the exact same way. By feeling and that’s it. I felt alright. I felt so much that I spent much of the day sobbing on the floor of Dr. JoRo’s office. I spent much of the day, sobbing over emails, text messages, and writing in my journal. I sobbed over thinking about how wrong everything is, but how right so many things are becoming. It seems everyday I am flooded by words from people about how you have changed them for the better. It seems as if everyday, someone is out in the world, doing good because of you. It is bittersweet to see all the wonderful ways you are still here. I only want you here but as we said before, that simply cannot happen. I will take you in the only way I can now. By feeling you when I do. By watching you change things for the better. By trying harder at everything I do when I really don’t want to do anything at all. By trying very hard, to fix myself because I know that is what you would want. I know you want me to be happy. I know you don’t want me to hurt this badly. I remember your last words to me. You yelled at me. I was crying. You said, “Don’t be sad!!!!!!” I hear your squeaky little voice telling me this. It is so hard, not to be sad, without you. Do you know, every time I laugh, I feel you. Every time I smile, I feel you. My laughs and my smiles are not my own anymore. They belong to you. They will always belong to you.
I’m tired tonight. But I wanted to stay up until midnight because it is someone’s birthday. This someone’s birthday that has been one of the most unexpected gifts to come out of all of this. This someone that I often sit back and think to myself, “If Ronan had not gotten sick, I may have never met this person. I cannot imagine my life without her. I am so lucky.” I call myself lucky when thinking of her. I call myself lucky because I know it was you, that put her in my life just at a time when I thought I was drowning the most. You threw me a life raft and it was her. She likes to be undercover. She likes to be behind the scenes. So all I am saying is a big HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, to you know who you are. Margaritas to come later over mucho chips and salsa. I heart you. And your little dragon too.
G’nite. Sweet dreams. I miss you so very much. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Ronan. I drive home. Alone. In the silence. With your blanket on my lap and your ashes around my neck. Blinded by my tears. I know what I am coming home to. An empty house. I pull into our driveway. Your bedroom window is the first thing I see. Your blinds are open. Everything is just the way you left it. Your room has not been touched. Your clothes are still in your drawers, your closet is filled with all the things you never even got to wear. The hand me downs from your brothers, in bins in your closet. You should be playing in your room. You are not. I hold my breath. Wishing for time to be reversed. I remember everything about this time last year. Everything from the text messages I sent, the phone conversations I had on the patio, to way you told me you loved me to the moon and back, how even though we were at the Ryan House, I did not think you were going to die. Nobody would be so cruel, to make us be apart, right? Who would do such a thing?
Somebody. Somebody did and now May is here. As of today, I only had 9 days left with you. Just 9 days. What would I have done differently, if I had known I only had 9 days to spend with you? I would have not slept. I would have told you over and over, how much I love you. I would have told you over and over, how proud I was to have you as my son. I would have told you over and over, how lucky I was to have you for the almost 4 years that I did. I would have told you how sorry I was. I would have kissed your lips, your fingers, your toes, a hundred thousand times. I would tell you how hard I will work for the rest of my life, to help others because that is one of the few things that is going to get me through this. My soul does not belong to myself anymore. I gave it up the second you left me. You took it with you. I don’t want it back. I know you are keeping it safe for me. I wish I would have had some poison to drink with me. The second you took your last breaths, I could have taken the poison and drank it too, so I could have died with you. So you wouldn’t have to be alone, without me. Like Romeo and Juliet. Only we loved each other so much more than they did. I’m sorry I cannot be with you. It is so wrong, Ronan. So very wrong.
I need you. I cannot do May. I said those words tonight. I know you heard them. I know you saw me. I’m sorry if you saw the pain in my eyes, the hot tears that ran down my cheeks, the way I said, “No, no, no,” over and over again as I clung to the one thing that makes me feel closest to you. Please make May go away. Please bring him back. Please. I cannot do May.
But May is here. There is no stopping it. I would have sent out your birthday party invitations now. We would have had an awesome party. Anything you wanted. I’m sure it would have been Star Wars related. I wonder sometimes if you would have ever outgrown your Star Wars phase. Now, I’ll never get to know because to me, you’ll love Star Wars forever. May 12, you would have been 5. That seems so big. You would have been such an amazing little 5-year-old. I’m still going to plan your party, even though you are not here. I’m calling May 12, 2012 Ronan’s Day of Love. We are doing something very special down at Phoenix Children’s Hospital to make some very sick sweet kids, smile. It’s exactly the way you would have wanted it to be. It’s going to be a very special day down there all because of you. I cannot be there. Not this year. It’s too much. I’ve got our lovely little board members handling it all as well as my intern Rissy and your Liz. They will do a great job.
So, Ronan’s Day of Love. I’ve come up with a few ideas. I think we should all wear purple for Ronan’s Birthday. It’s such a great color. I really loved all of the balloons for his birthday last year. Purple was his favorite color so if you all want to buy purple balloons and let them go, that would be so sweet. Any color would be fine, but purple was his favorite. I loved seeing all the pictures from it too, so if you want to snap the pics and email them to me, that would be nice to see. Any donations to his foundation are always welcome, of course. We are getting pretty close to getting Dr. Mosse’s trial funded. This Marathon of Madness has brought in some good money and we are so thankful for all the support. I’m not done planning Ronan’s party but I’m getting tired. One more thing that I can think of that I would like you to do is grab your child, children, sister, brother, friend, aunt, uncle,…. whomever you are closet to and say these words over and over to them…,”I am so lucky to have you.” I used to say those words over and over to Ronan all the time. And now I’m not so lucky, because he is not here for me to hold and tell him how lucky I was. I always knew. Everyday with that child was such a gift. A gift that I will never understand why it had to be taken away. I will never accept all that he went through and his death. I will carry that anger and pain with me for the rest of my life. It’s mine to carry. It’s a part of Ronan. I’m not letting that go.
But I have to go now. It’s been 2 weeks without Ambien. After tonight, I had to take one. Sometimes the screaming in my head and the tears just won’t stop. Somethings I have to say enough. I’ll be surprised if this post even made sense. I do some weeeeiiiirrddd shit on Ambien. Thank god I have no desire to go and drive a car. Tent City, here I come! Bucket list Rita!!!
G’nite Ro baby. I love you to the moon and back. You are my best friend. You were the best thing that has ever been mine. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.