Fuck You, Cancer and a Fuck it all day

Ronan. It’s not time yet, right? No. Not yet. I still had a couple of days left with you. I woke up today, not knowing what day it was. I grabbed my phone and thought to myself, please don’t let it be the 8th. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that it was only the 7th. The 7th I can deal with. The 8th I’m sad for. The 9th I’m scared for. It will be here before I know it. Everyone is scared. I got a text from Rita today telling me she was bloody scared for me. She said she is scared that I want to die the most yet. She said she is scared that I will forget our sacred ninja promise. I responded with the truth which is I want to die, every single day. But I won’t. I don’t care how painful this gets. I would not do something that would be so disrespectful to you. That’s really what it boils down to. Life is so precious. Dying by my own hands would be such a slap in the face to you. It’s the easy way out. It’s the selfish way out. I don’t take the easy way out with anything I do. And I’m not selfish. Except when I need to beĀ ,which is only because I have to take care of myself sometimes. And sometimes taking care of myself makes me seem selfish. Fuck it. I don’t really care. Is that selfish? Probably. But I think I’ve earned that right. I won’t do that to you, Ronan. I won’t off myself like I often dream about. You know I think I failed you. I told Rita I will not fail you, again, by not saving myself. I will not let cancer destroy everything that you are trying to do in this very broken world. Cancer may have taken my soul, but it will not take my spirit. I won’t let it, Ro. I won’t let it for you.

Today, we slept in a bit around here. I fell asleep easily last night, without Ambien, but it was late when I did. I fell asleep and stayed asleep which rarely happens. I needed it. I woke up to your over-anxious brothers, so excited about the day. We showered and got ready and headed out. We spent the day exploring the town, eating the freshest seafood I’ve ever had in my life, playing on the cold beach, and I went for a run. I keep trying to remind myself that I do have a marathon coming up to run. Ummmm… just a little 26.2 miles to do. I have not run, in months. I did 6 miles tonight and it was so easy, it was stupid. Well, not stupid because it felt good. I think I could have kept going. I keep telling myself running is 90% mental, right? I may have just made that up in my head, but it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can run this marathon, without training for it because I am surviving you not being here, which is mentally hardest thing one can go through. I can do this marathon. All I’ll have to do, is think of you the entire way through and I will be fine. I think a lot of people are coming to San Diego, to cheer me on. The more the merrier. I will need all the screaming and FUCK YOU CANCER!!! that I can get.

Rita also texted me to say that a lot of people are wanting to do something for your death day. The 9th. She wanted to know if it was alright. I told her of course. People are wanting to let balloons go, which of course I am more than alright with. How about a black day with colorful balloons? Preferably purple balloons. I would like to fill the sky with them for you. I like that. I’m wearing black. Black is sad. Black is the color of grief. But black is also powerful, soulful and strong. For your death day, black fits. White made sense on the day we had your service. But not for the day that you died. There is nothing beautiful about the day you died. I’m going to wear black on this day, for the rest of my life. It is the only thing that feels right to me.

As for other things…. is it too much to say I think that everyone should just stop everything they are doing for the day? If I had my way, the entire world would go black. What did your Sparkly say to me a couple of weeks ago that made me laugh out loud? That maybe he should listen to me and just have a “Fuck it all day.” A day where you literally just do whatever you want and say fuck the rest of the “things” that you are supposed to be doing. Just for one day, blow it all off. Blow it all off because everyone deserves to have one day, where they are so grateful for all that they have, that nothing else matters. If I had you here, if I had you here and Liam and Quinn too, I would to this. I would listen to this and spend the day, totally lost in the world of the three of you. I would have kept you home from school. We would have went to do something extra special and fun. Rules and time-outs would not have existed. I would have told you 100 times how much I love you, how I was the luckiest mama in the world, how there is no place that was more important to me, than being with the 3 of you. It would have been the best day ever.

This is all I can do tonight, little one. Tomorrow is the 8th. I have to figure out how to wrap my head around what is to come. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo