Ronan. How can I be this upset over something that I was not sure that I was ready for? Because I had spent all last week preparing myself for it, just in case I was right. So, my emotions went from, oh no I’m not ready…. to o.k. if it is so, I can totally be ready/do this. I let myself feel sad/happy/scared/excited. I had myself convinced I was right. Turns out, I was wrong. Turns out, my body/hormones are completely out of whack due to stress/sadness/not having you. I’m not an out of whack person. My emotions stay pretty even keeled, even while dealing with not having you here anymore. I am a pretty level-headed person. This whole thing has kind of thrown me for a loop. I spent the weekend giving into my tiredness. I was nice to myself which I tend not to be anymore. I spent all weekend hanging out around the house doing all the old things we used to do with you. It’s normally hard for me to be in our house, but over the weekend I really enjoyed doing the simpleness of not much, with your brothers and daddy. I enjoyed all of this due to the maybe baby that I had gotten used to.
Then Monday came. I woke up so exhausted again. What is going on? I am sleeping fine at night without Ambien. I only wake up once and that is always at the 3:25 a.m. time that I swear to you, is your way of trying to get to me. After I wake up, pace the house, toss and turn, cry, sometimes not cry, I fall back asleep. I’m pretty sure I am getting in a good 6-7 hours of sleep. That’s a lot for me. The blood test I had done on Friday, came back negative. As in, you are totally not prego. O.k…… I thought to myself. So strange, my intuition/being in tune with myself is usually pretty accurate. Within moments of this phone call, the tears started. Wait… why am I crying? I thought to myself. I didn’t give myself much time to rationalize all the reasons why because clearly it was out of my control. So I cried. I called my Little M who I can always count on to make things sound logical/rational for me. I was sobbing so hard she couldn’t even understand what I was saying. After about a 20 minute conversation this is what we figured out.
1) Deciding that I/we, want/hope to have another baby, is mentally exhausting in itself. It’s taken a lot of work for me to get to this point.
2) I don’t get to be a normal mama ever again. Everything I do comes with heightened emotions. A maybe baby included. This is a whole new me for me. I’m usually so very calm about things.
3) This would have been nice because it would have just been something that pretty much just happened, not something that we really tried for.
4) I had my hopes up. I allowed myself to get excited… I allowed myself to think about the future, which I often don’t do. Most days, I am just trying to get through the day. I thought I would be o.k. with the maybe baby not being real, when in reality, I feel disappointed and sad. I guess I wanted it to be real, more than I thought.
5) This maybe baby, wasn’t meant to be. Or as Marisa said, this wasn’t meant to be your baby. There will be a time, this will all work itself out, when it is meant to be.
I stopped crying after I hung up with Little M. She made me feel better, like she does with everything. She even through in an “I’m sorry and can somebody just throw you a freaking bone?!” I don’t know if they can or not, but I’ll sit here and wait.
I spent the rest of the day crying/talking to myself and you. I went hiking. I talked to you out loud. I didn’t listen to my blaring music like I normally do. Dr. JoRo asked me to hike quietly. I listened to her. I told you all the things I always tell you, like how sorry I am. How much I miss you. How sometimes I don’t know how I’ll do this all, without you being here. I talked to myself about how I need to stop trying to control things that are not in my control such as life and death. I need to respect that I am not in control of certain things and when they don’t go my way, I need to just give into that and not beat myself up about it. I talked in my head about the logical aspect of all of this/the lesson learned/what I hoped to gain for the future. I tried my best to rationally play everything out in my head. I heard the screaming voice yelling at me that all logic flew out the window when you died. I tried my best to ignore that voice. I ran down the mountain as fast as I could go, wiping the dirty tears off of my face. I told myself things like, “You are o.k. you are going to be o.k. you have survived the worst thing possible, you can get through anything.” I gave myself a pep talk. I came home, showered, and picked your brothers up from school. I played the good mommy role that seems to be coming easier to me now. We did their homework, I fed them a snack, and we did an art project together. I made a big fuss over how proud I am of both of them, which I didn’t even have to force. This shows me I am healing a little. The things that used to take a ton of effort, are falling back into place a little more easily.
I’m still completely wiped out. I gave into all of this last week, but I am fighting it this week. I’ve got too much to do and I don’t have time to sit around and being tired. I am hoping I will get my energy back up, otherwise I’m going to be seriously worried. It may be my body’s way of remembering what is coming up in the next month. What my mind is trying so badly, to ignore. I don’t want the day you died to be here. I don’t want your birthday to be here, without you. I know I have to face all of this/make a plan. I will work on that this week, but no promises.
I told Rita I was blogging about this. I know it is a lot. I feel like I live on a freaking soap opera and I don’t like it. Although this is pretty personal…because I get the baby thing is personal and I don’t have to share it…but if I did not, that would be me not being true to myself/this life/what is going on, in our world. I started this saying I was in this for good. To share the good/bad/ugly/happy/sad/all of it. I couldn’t just ignore what has gone on and not write about this. That would not be fair, to anyone. You all have stuck through this with me, for this long. I’m not going to start sweeping really important things under the rug. The fact of the matter is, no matter who agrees with this decision or not… the whole maybe baby thing… it is our decision. Woody and I, made this decision a long time ago, before Ronan got sick. We both know this is something we want. We both feel like it is something that we need and would be really good for all of us. We love each other. We love Liam and Quinn. We love Ronan. We will love whatever/whomever comes in our lives next, when the time is right. We are a family that is broken, but we are broken together in the most loving, caring, happy/sad way possible. We will never be the same again and having just the 4 of us feels to wrong, to not try to make it, a little right. I’m not sure what a little right looks like at the moment, but I can tell you it’s not this.
I’m tired Ro baby. I love you. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.