Ro Baby. Where are you?? Last night, I went for a run, late. I left our house. It was so dark outside. I hesitated leaving, running through our neighborhood because of the pack of Javelinas that has taken over. When I say, “pack,” I’m not kidding. There are about 15 of them, living right next to the wash where your bedroom window is. For those of you who don’t know what they are… Google them. YUCK. I am so beyond sad, that you are not here to see them. Quinn is so scared of them. Liam doesn’t really care. You would have thought they were so awesome. You would have went with me, as I walked up to them to get a closer look. I’ll bet you would have thrown rocks at them. I can’t believe you are not here and I don’t get to pick you up to carry you over to see them. I would have thrown rocks at them, with you. They are the ugliest things. Although, there are about 5 tiny babies. The babies are pretty cute. I hesitated on leaving for my run, but then my NO FEAR thing kicked in and off I went. I ran from our house down Camelback for about 5 miles. It was a good run.During my run, I had a wave of guilt wash over me. I thought to myself, how am I out here running, like my life is the same?? How am I out here, doing normal things and Ronan is dead? I felt like I was betraying you. I feel like I am betraying you, with every breath I take, Ro baby. Every smile I smile. Every laugh I laugh. Even every time I eat or drink. You don’t get to do these things anymore so neither should I. That’s what Inferno Fuckwad Bob tells me at least. You are not living, so why should I be? You are way more important than I am. You deserved to be here, much more than I do. The fact that you are gone and we are all left here to live life feels like the ultimate betrayal to me. I don’t expect anyone to understand this. Because nobody else was a mama to you. So nobody else would understand, how this inner turmoil feels. Do you want to know what it feels like to me, Ro? It feels like razor blades ripping my skin apart. Or how I would imagine, they would feel. It feels like I am living a life, not being able to breathe or feel anything but hurt, pain, and sadness. I have a few things that make me happy; sometimes. But even when I am feeling the waves of happiness, they are accompanied by the guilt. Happiness and Guilt are two best friends that I would have never guessed would get along so well together in my life. But they are best friends now. They are my worst enemies too.
At one point, I stopped to take off my headphones and to sit and have some quiet time. I don’t do that, often. I need to do it more but I have been so busy with the distractions around me. I found a dark parking lot that was empty. I threw off my headphones and set down my phone. I laid down on the cool pavement and got so lost in the sky and my thoughts, that the noisy traffic coming from Camelback Road, disappeared. I talked to you while looking up at the bright, dark sky filled with clouds and stars. I got lost in thinking about this life and what it all means. I thought a lot about faith and religion. I thought about heaven and wondered where you are. I thought about all the people who truly do believe in heaven and then I thought about how I think this life must be this way because could you imagine what the world would be like, if nobody believed in a God or a Heaven? It would be total chaos. Or maybe not. Maybe people would actually start to really believe in themselves and be o.k. with just not knowing. I’m o.k. with the not knowing part. Could you imagine what people would do if they actually believed this is as good as it’s going to get?? Maybe they would live their life to its full potential, being the BEST person they could be, because this is all we get. One shot to make it right. One shot to live this life to the fullest, to love the hardest, to laugh the loudest, to dance the craziest, to actually start living because after this, there is nothing better. I got to thinking about death and how I guess believing in heaven keeps people from being paralyzed with fear, about dying and about life in general. If you mess up, you can ask God for forgiveness and it’s a done deal, right? Sounds like a fucking shady deal to me. The fact of the matter is, people want something to believe in and heaven and God is an easy thing to get on board with. I’m not so sure about it all. I question everything. Especially now. It would be nice to believe in God and Heaven and to never question anything because it is wrapped up in a pretty bow. It would be so nice, to live this way. But fuck that. Nice flew out the window the second you died. You know what I believe in, Ronan? I believe in the you. I believe in the sun, the stars and the moon. I believe that good people exist. I believe in our love that nobody can ever take away, no matter how cruel the world may be. I believe in music and souls. Old and new. I believe in sparkly people.
I believe that bad things happen to good people, everyday and it’s not fair or right. I believe there will never be justice for this. I believe that you will take care of me now. I believe that anything good that happens in my life, is fully because of you. I don’t believe in much anymore and I don’t know that I ever will. I will be alright though, Ro. All I need is you to keep pushing me the way that you have been. All I need is you and our love. That is enough. Fuck everything else.
Today was busy indeed. I went to Katie’s to help her with some things. Mandy Bee stopped by. I went to my friend, Samya’s, to check out the new shirts and sweatshirts she is making for our little F U Cancer project. Her friend came over to take some pictures of us wearing the shirts, sweatshirts, and hoodies. Sandra was there too. The 3 of us posed together in our “Maya’s Mafia,” shirts. We flipped off the camera. We held hands. We felt empowered. I hope Sandra felt strong, because she is. I just felt sad. And strong. I felt both of those things today as I had my hands intertwined between those 2 girls. I know the story my eyes told though. The girl with the greenest, saddest eyes to ever exist tells your story, everyday.
I’m tired. I have to drive up to Sedona to see Dr. JoRo tomorrow. I have to tell you one last thing though. While I was home tonight, my phone started blowing up with all of these FB messages. I got on there to see what in the world was going on. Somebody had posted on my wall that Bret Michaels had taken on of your little cards and posted it on his FB wall and it simply said, “Who is Rockstar Ronan? It then showed the card with your picture on it, saying who you are. Bret Michaels has over 1.2 million fans on his FB wall. All who are now, reading about you. All who are about to find out, who you are and why it is you, who is going to change the face of childhood cancer. Because you are that beautiful and amazing, Ronan. Because all good things are wild and free, just like you and Bret Michaels. That was beyond awesome of him. That one little thing that he just did, is going to help raise so much awareness for childhood cancer and your story. The adventure is beginning, Ronan. I hope you are ready for a wild ride. And Bret Michaels…. if you ever read this… thank you so much. Honestly. What you just did, was so kick ass. You are a true Rockstar and you just inspired this mama, to keep going, because people are starting to listen. Blessings to you and your beautiful family. Thank you. So freaking much.
That’s all for tonight, baby. I love you. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. G’nite.