Day: October 23, 2011
Life Before Asshole Cancer and Gina
Before all of this, I had a really good head on my shoulders. I lived a really happy, simple life. My life consisted of a handful of really close friends. Sisters that I had chosen to be in my life after waiting a really long time for them. Time spent with them would be dinner once a month, enjoying each other while having play dates with our kids, meeting up to go running or hiking. Simple things. My life with my husband was really easy. It was full of security, love, trust, and we took time to make sure we were keeping our marriage a priority. We did weekly date nights, to dinner or a movie. Occasionally, we would have the boys sleep over at my in-laws so we could have time just the two of us. We took a trip, once a year, just the two of us. But our WORLD was our 3 little boys. Woody worked really hard to be the best attorney, husband, and father. My friends and mom were always telling me they wished they could clone him. I knew how lucky I was. I know how lucky I am. I worked really hard at being a good mom. My days were spent tending to everything my boys could need, while teaching them our values, morals, and what it meant to be a good person.
I lived in a bubble. But a good bubble. A bubble full of being a good mama, wife, friend, and person. It’s just the way it was. And then it popped. In the hugest way possible. I spent my early years, before kids, helping others. I was passionate about Psychology and intrigued with the learning process that went into it. I worked at an eating disorder clinic. I thought it was what I wanted to spend my life doing, helping others. Woody and I got married. And soon after that, we were surprised to find out I was pregnant. And it was twins. It was a very shocking, happy surprise. After Liam and Quinn were born, they were all I wanted to do. Being a mom to the twins came naturally to me, like I had been waiting my whole life for it. I was young, didn’t have any mommy friends, and felt really alone though. Liam, Quinn, and Woody really were my entire world. I joined a parenting group, to make friends. We would meet once a week to voice our concerns, listen to advice, but it was more about making friends. I didn’t make many. I remember sitting in our classes and it would soon turn into a bitching session about someone’s husband. I would listen to people talk about their Nanny’s. Not many of the girls worked and I remember never being able to wrap my head around the fact that they didn’t work, but needed a Nanny. It seemed like a foreign country to me. I would show up for playdates. I remember people being shocked that 1) I didn’t have a Nanny ( uhhh.. i didn’t work and my husband was a Public Defender, so a Nanny was never even an option. I wouldn’t have taken it if it were anyway.) 2) The way they would make a big deal of me carrying in both of my twins in their infant carriers, without help. 3) The way they always assumed taking care of my twins was the hardest job in the world and they would always ask how I did it. I would just reply back, I didn’t know any other way. I loved every second of it.
I grabbed a couple close friends out of that parenting group. One in particular, named Gina. We met when our boys were about 6 months old. We instantly hit it off. She was such a free spirit, like me. She was real and always laughing and smiling. She would often call me up last-minute to ask if the boys and I could meet up to play. I would always say yes. It was the same way with her. We didn’t listen to they typical “mommy rules,” when it came to our 2 year olds. We would let them skip preschool and take them somewhere fun to play instead. They were always the kids that were laughing the loudest, causing trouble, running around, getting dirty and Gina and I spent every second with them, in the mix of it all. She was by far, my best mommy friend. Our boys were best friends. Than Ronan was born. I swear I blinked my eye and before I knew it, he was up and running right behind Arthur, Liam and Quinn. He was the 4th member to their little wolf pack and always caused more trouble than the 3 of them combined. Ronan was totally fearless and tended to show off and do naughty things just to get laughs from the boys. Gina and I soaked up every second of our boys, watching them learn about life and how to truly live like carefree little boys. It was pure bliss and we both knew it.
Then Ronan got sick. I was so wrapped up in Ronan’s new world and didn’t see much of Gina. She dropped off dinners a couple of times but that was about it. I felt like she was trying to help, but just didn’t know what to do. I was not the best at getting back to people so unless you showed up, pounding on my door, it was very likely that I had just stopped responding. There have been a few people in my life that have gone away who knew Ronan and I’ll admit, it hurts my feelings. But I also understand this is not a one way street and it takes a lot to be my friend now. I’m not afraid to admit that this may be much of my fault. It takes a lot to stick with someone throughout something like this. Gina went away. But I can honestly say, she was the one person, that I didn’t question and it didn’t hurt my feelings. I know Gina. I know the kind of heart she has. She has one of the purest hearts I have ever seen in my life. I know she went away because she was that hurt, upset, and sad for Ronan and our family. There was nothing selfish about it. It wasn’t about her; it was about us. That’s just the way Gina is. She is always thinking of others. Even though I haven’t seen much of her, I never doubted for a second that she wasn’t thinking of us. I know she was and always is.
I ran into Gina on Saturday at the boys’ basketball game. She came up and hugged me. She sat and talked with me for a while and I watched her fight back the tears as she told me how sorry she was, that she never knows the right thing to say. I told her that was the thing…. that she didn’t need to say anything because I know, even without her words. I know her heart and soul and she didn’t need to explain a thing to me. I meant that. I miss her. I miss the way our boys used to play together. I miss the way we would try to discipline them, but we would usually end up cracking up at the crazy things our boys said and did. I miss the way we would let their play dates last way too long and how we would always let them eat too much Ice Cream. I miss our spontaneous play dates and how we would ignore the world and just do whatever made our boys happy. I miss how we were driving in my car once with the windows rolled down and Ronan chucked a half full Gatorade Bottle out the window at another car going the opposite way. All the boys were howling with laughter. I laughed too but pulled over and went back to pick it up because, duh…. littering is not cool. But the laughter from the car, was priceless.
My life is different now. It’s sad and really empty without Ronan. But it has to go on for the sake of all of us. As much as I want it to stop, it’s not going to. I told Gina I missed her and I wanted to get our boys together to play. Will it be sad without Ronan? Without a doubt. Arthur loved him like a brother. Will it be painful for me? Without a doubt. But Gina is too precious of a person to not have in my life. It’s time to start letting old things back in because when you really find a true, real, genuine person in life… you don’t ever let go. Gina is that person and I am so thankful that she was blessed with knowing the real Ronan. The extra spicy most beautiful boy. She loves him. She will always love him. We all miss him.
I know this is how she will always remember him. Nudey at her house. He was such a little rule breaker.
You belong with me
Ronan. Did you see us tonight? The 4 of us, without you? It’s hard to go to places, just the 4 of us now. I’m always looking for your big blue eyes, I’m always wishing I was scrambling to keep up with your busy little feet that never stood still. I am always expecting to hear your giggles. That Taylor Swift girl. What a girl. I was able to take your Daddy and brothers back out to her concert tonight. We were whisked off for another fairy-tale night. Your brothers were so excited. Your Daddy too. It was beautifully sad, without you. We were taken back in the middle of her concert, to the middle of the venue. The spot that we went last night where Taylor sits on a tree and it spins slowly around while she purrs out some songs. We were inches away from her and her pretty purple dress. She was singing one of her songs, “Fearless.” She locked eyes with me right as those words came across her lips. She held them there until I got teary eyed. I got her message loud and clear. She knows what I have to do. She knows what I’m about to do. All while being fearless. I made a choice to live my life that way, after you passed away. It’s part of my rebirth. I know you know that when you died, I died as well. I’m now here, trying to figure out this life all over again, like I have just been born again. I’m not sure what I’m doing, who I am anymore, but being fearless is one of the character traits I have adopted. You died. I have nothing in my life, to ever fear again. My worst nightmare, came true and I’m still here kicking and fighting. The fact that I have made it this far, means this new life, is only worth living, by being fearless.
When Taylor exited the area where she was singing, she grabbed me, hugged me and told me she was so glad we could come again. I smiled and told her thank you. She bent down and kissed Quinn’s cheek and left a big red kiss on his cheek. There is nothing better than red lips. They have always been a favorite thing of mine. She bent down and did the same thing to Liam and then looked up at your tall Daddy. She hugged him and told him she was so glad he could come, and that she was so sorry. I saw the tears in your Daddy’s eyes. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. We walked back to our seats with our hearts heavy from missing you so much. We stayed for the rest of the concert. Quinn has his first crush. Woody is smitten too. He loved everything about her and he is such a tough sell when it comes to musicians. He loved every aspect of her performance from the design of the set to Taylor’s amazing talent. As we were driving home, talking about the night, he goes, “She is clearly very intelligent.” If you know my husband, you know that is a HUGE compliment. I replied, “Clearly. Do you have a Taylor Swift crush now?” He laughed and said, “Babe. She’s a young girl.” I winked and told him those young girls are the best kind. I love to give him a hard time for being older than me, even if it is only by a few years.
I’m tired tonight, babydoll. Really tired. I’m on Liam’s top bunk bed with Quinn. He is out like a light. I’m going to cuddle up next to him. Thanks, Miss Taylor, for tonight. We as a family, had a lovely time. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt that way, with just the 4 of us. I love you Ronan. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams my spicy monkey boy.