I’m not sleeping. I can’t. Could you? Could you sleep, without being able to kiss your baby goodnight? Knowing that the place that he once slept, is empty. Knowing that his little closet, filled with his clothes and shoes, will never be worn by him again. Could you sleep? Could you drift off into a peaceful place even for a few hours, to escape the nightmare? For me, it is physically impossible.
So, I sit here instead. Wishing so badly, that he would come running into my room in the middle of the night, just because he missed me. Wishing to be able to complain about the sleepless night I had the night before, because he was up all night, with just the flu. Wishing I would be exhausted tomorrow, because I had him to take care of all night long. Not because of the fact that I cannot sleep, because he is dead.
MY CHILD IS DEAD
What that does that even mean?
I GOOGLED IT. Too many raw things appeared. But nothing as raw and painful of having you not here.
I FOUND THIS. IT IS AN INTERNAL SCRIPT FOR PARENTS WHOM HAVE LOST A CHILD. What they may be thinking and feeling.
- I have failed my child.
- I can’t live without seeing my child’s face.
- I can’t live in a world where my child is a statistic now.
- No one needs me now. My life has lost purpose.
- My future – as a mother, as a father, as a step-parent, as a grandparent – died with my child.
- I have regrets for things not said/done/realized before the death.
- I should have prevented it.
- I am alone. Other people grieve, but cannot share MY grief or make it less. They do not understand the depths of my grief.
- My energy is gone. My will to live is gone. All around me, I see and feel the sadness and emptiness.
- The world failed me. God failed me.
- I am only living now for my other (children, spouse, partner, family, friends, profession). I am no longer living a life worth living for me.
- I failed my child. (It usually begins and ends with this)
I know all of this. I believe everything above to be true. It is my life every single second of the day. I read the words. They make me sad. I take a break from Googling all things morbid, twisted and dark. An email pops up on my screen. I open it. I read it. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I have goosebumps. I feel alive. It’s from somebody I don’t know. There are a lot of those somebody’s now. This somebody made me feel proud of who I am. This somebody reminded me that although your little physical body is gone, Ronan. Your sparkle will stay here, forever. Thank you for this, to this M.o.M.M <3
Im sure you get HUNDREDS of msgs on here as well as thru your email, FB, and your foundation but I feel like I need to write to you. You may not read this but I want you to know that Ro and YOU, Ms.Mama Maya are MAKING SHIT HAPPEN!!!!
I was not sent to your blog by a fellow reader, I dont know anyone personally (except for EVERYONE I have turned on to the blog since) that followed your blog or knew you personally, no one i know even knew of you or Ro before May 27th 2011 when I was sitting in the living room and happened to be browsing came across a post that had just been written, titled ‘Learning how to Live Half-Alive’. I had to click on it and see just what this post was and if it STOOD up to some of my fav lyrics.
Well, imagine my shock when not only did the blog stand up, it OUTSHINED anything i have EVER in this world even imagined of feeling. Tears sprang to my eyes, I felt like I had been punched in the gut, the wind knocked out of me, my mind could not wrap around the possibility that this was REAL LIFE and not just a blurb for the latest fiction novel from Jodi Picoult.
After reading that first post I clicked on the Baby Ronan link and within seconds had tears POURING down my face. I instantly had to know WHO this baby boy was that had ALREADY captured my heart? Can you believe that Maya? My whole sense of being ACHED for this baby whom I had NEVER even seen a picture of. I felt numb, my head was aching. I couldn’t believe that YOU were somewhere in this world hurting the way i was X’s a GAZILLION. I couldnt even (and still can’t) IMAGINE a pain that fierce. Right then and there The Thompson’s became a part of my family and heart.
My friends on my fb are re-posting my posts on childhood cancer, people are asking my kids and myself about our RockstarRonan bracelets, to which my 6-year-old replies, Ronan is the BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE SKY BABY!! http://www.rockstarronan.com. He’s a lil walking bill board for Ro and this horrible disease.
Next FUCKTEMBER I will be walking around with Info cards about childhood cancer and the BIGGEST sharpie i can find so that EVERY breast cancer sign I see gets graffitti’d on with KIDS GET CANCER TOO!! (sorry had to vent that it has been driving me crazy seeing Breast cancer start gearing up for OCT and trying to take the light from these BABIES who put all of their faith and trust into ADULTS who are supposed to be caring for and watching out for them?! and yet MOST turn a blind eye because it’s just too ugly. . . I honestly would not like to know the person who can look at RO, hear his story and simply walk away and DO NOTHING??)
I know that I have been rambling in this letter to you and I’m sorry. I really just wanted to let you know that you Ms. Maya and your A M A Z I N G baby Ro have touched the heart of a random stranger thousands of miles away and I will be by your side in this FIGHT of kicking cancers ASS every step of the way! I hope that one day our paths cross and I can meet you and hear some ‘spicy’ monkey stories, golf in some funky TUTU’s, blaring some Katy Perry while doing ALL things ROCKSTAR (:
Im so happy to read when you have a ‘good’ day, that means that even just a LIL bit of what I have been praying and wishing for you is starting to break thru the HELL you are living.
A MoMM <3333
PS. My grandma was THE BEST grandma in the WHOLE world!!! There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of her. Since she is no longer ‘here’ with me I KNOW that she is with Ro and since she was the best in the whole world she is DEF the best in ALL of the HEAVENS and she is taking care of Ro for you until you can. . . and she’s a stickler for brushing teeth and a SOFTY when it comes to rocking babies and snuggles <3
Bubbles galore. Just for you. Who cares that Quinn flooded everything? He did it, for you.