The List

People have asked, what they can do, besides the obvious which is donate to Childhood Cancer, to help make a difference in this fight. If you want to donate to Ronan’s Foundation, even if it is just a dollar; please do so. I have over 1.6 million hits on this blog. Can you imagine if every person that has read this, donated just one dollar? Or five? That could do so many amazing things in our efforts to support research for Childhood Cancer.

I’ve thought up a list. A very unconventional list, because it is not just about bringing awareness to Childhood Cancer. It is also about living a life that Ronan would be proud of. It is about living a life, that Ronan would have given anything for; to LIVE. It is about being the BEST version of yourself, that you can possibly be. This list will grow and I hope it only gets better. I’m still young. I still have A LOT to learn, mistakes to make, things to regret…. but as of now, this is my list. This is a list that has been inspired by losing the life of my son and trying to become a better human being, because of it. I hope someday, that I am able to live my life doing everything I have written below. This list, gives me hope, in my darkest hours.

1) Be thankful. For all that you have. No matter how much or how little. If you have kids, be thankful that they are healthy. Nothing else matters. If you don’t have kids, be thankful for your health or the health of the loved ones in your life. Just be THANKFUL. And know what it truly means.

2) If you’re not happy, change your life and become happy. Happiest people are the most beautiful. Become the happy person you want to be. Life is too short, not to be happy. Ronan almost lived 4 years on this earth. I’ve never in my life met a happier person then he was and look at everything he endured. Cancer never got in the way of his happiness, until the last week of his life when his life was no longer his to live. He was ROBBED of his happiness. You do not have to be; so stop complaining.

3) Volunteer. At a Homeless Shelter. At an Animal Hospital. At The Ronald McDonald House. Whatever you are passionate about. Just do something to make a difference. Volunteer at a hospital…. there are so many sick babies who need people to hold and love them. Get involved. DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

4) Donate BLOOD or PLATELETS. It’s not that hard. REGISTER to become a BONE MARROW DONER. You could help save someone’s life.

5) Scream about Childhood Cancer Awareness with me until people start to listen. Write to local companies, small companies, big companies, your favorite Celebrity, the Media, Congress, The President, The White House, anyone you can think of; until people start to listen. If there are enough of us screaming, they will have to at some point. The lack of awareness/funding is UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE. Media is very powerful. We have to get them on our side.

6) Educate the people around you about how this can happen to anyone. If you want your child to get a Urine Test, ask for it. Knowledge is POWER. Learn the FACTS about Childhood Cancer, like it is your bible. Know what it is you are passionate about, and why. Educate people about this blog. Scream about Ronan’s story to anyone who will listen.

7) Rules were meant to be broken in life. Break down the doors. Don’t give up if you are told No. I don’t care if it is a hundred times. Nobody ever made history in this world, by playing by the rules. REBELS RULE. Embrace your Inner REBEL. Ronan would love this so freaking much.

8) Question everything and follow your instincts. Listen to you heart as it is more powerful than your mind. I don’t know why my number 8, has turned into a smily face. Ronan must have done this. Apparently he really likes this one.

9) Take a Holiday, once a year and do something completely selfless. How amazing would it be if everyone stopped worrying about themselves, gifts, fancy clothes, on a Holiday and took the time to go to a local Hospital to drop off toys or gift cards to the parents who are struggling/sad/lonely/or depressed because their “Holiday,” now consists of living in a hospital, fighting for their child’s life. Take our self-indulgent Holidays and bring the smile to the face of a child or parent who could use it a thousand more times than you. Take your kids with you and tell them why you are doing this and why it is important.

10) Please stop to enjoy the music in life. By blasting the music you love, the loudest it will possibly go, while having an insane dance party with yourself or your kids. They will love you more for it.

11) Be inspired and inspire other people around you. Find your inspiration. Move mountains with it. Form an army. Join an army. Make something happen.

12) Get off your ass and exercise. It will change your life. It is saving mine. Run for Ronan, because he will never get the chance to run a marathon with me, like I often dreamed of. Swim for Ronan. Bike for Ronan. Walk for Ronan. Ski for Ronan. Do it for yourself and for all the other kids who will never be able to, because they are not among the living anymore. Be HEALTHY. Eat better. Stop freaking smoking. It’s insulting. Not to mention, just plain gross. YOU are better than that, otherwise, you would not continue to read this blog.

13) Get angry. But turn that anger into something positive. Do NOT start dealing with your anger by hitting the bottle, hurting others, or doing drugs. Let your anger fuel your fire, but in a positive way.

14) Pursue your dreams. If they don’t come true, at least you know you tried. Do not be afraid to fail. You should be more afraid of not trying and never knowing.

15) Continue to talk about Ronan, his story, his fight, his beauty, his life, his death…. Help me honor him by continuing to believe in him the way you do. Take my pain, of losing him, and continue on this adventure, with me. I am humbled and so thankful by all of you who continue to want to support and love Ronan. It makes me stronger. It makes me feel as if I can really change the face of Childhood Cancer because of the endless amount of love and support.

16) Love your family and friends. Cut the drama out of your life if anybody brings it to you. Stop apologizing, but apologize when necessary. Be true to yourself, your beliefs, your life.

17) Never settle. EVER.

18) LOVE with your whole heart, soul, mind and body. Make sure the people in your life, are worth it. If they are, give them everything you have.

19) Stop freaking out because your kid colored on the wall, with a black Sharpie, and then peed all over the carpet. Be glad you have a kid to create such a little creative piece of Art for you. Embrace their Inner Spiciness.

20) Teach your Children. Educate them on how lucky they are. Teach them to be kind to others. Don’t lie to them. Let them make mistakes. Guide them, push them, pull them, engage with them. Be present. Life is hard. Let them know this, without having to teach them the way that Liam and Quinn have had to learn.

Alright lovelies. This is my list for tonight. I’ll add more as I think of things. Don’t thank me for it. I had nothing to do with it. Thank Ronan. Kiss your babies. Love yourself for being so beautiful, that you want to be a part of the change.

I love you all. Ronan loves you all. I know he would be proud of this list.

For you, I swear.

Ronan. It’s days like today, that scare the shit out of me…. because they do not. I don’t have ANYTHING I’m scared of anymore. I have things I worry about, of course. Obsessively. But fear does not register anymore. It’s weird to live so freely, yet so contained. My mind is going a million miles an hour today, with no end in sight. I feel like I’m on that carnival ride, the Tilt a Whirl, and I cannot get off. Life is just spinning, spinning, spinning…. everything is out of control, moving so quickly, and never slowing down or stopping when it should be. You died. The world should have ended too. It would have made sense to me, if it did. The pain I feel from losing you is so great, that I feel as if everyone else should be feeling it too. I know there are people, who are feeling a great deal of sadness from losing you. People you didn’t even know. People who you did know. Like your Godmama, Tricia Boo. Whom I sat with and had frozen yogurt with. I sat in the dark with her and listened to her tell me how she went out on Friday night because she is young, gorgeous, single, and that is exactly what she SHOULD be doing. She sat and cried to me and told me how guilty she felt about going on, about living life, because she never wants me to think for a second that she is not thinking of you, how unfair this all is, and how fucked up everything turned out. She sat there and tried to justify the happiness that she should be feeling, but she just is not because she is so jaded by this world. It hurt me to hear her say these things because all I want for her is to live her life, without having to worry that I think she is being disrespectful. I took some time to sit quietly with what she was saying to me and I finally just looked at her and told her I basically never wanted to hear those words, come out of her mouth again. That I never want her to worry that she could be offending me or hurting me, because she could not. And if she ever did, I would let her know. I told her how I know how much she loves you and she does not need to prove anything to me. Ever. I told her I am aware of the friends in our lives, who your death has affected so deeply. How by because of what we have gone through, their lives have changed, even in the smallest way. I notice it. I am aware of it. I am thankful for it. Not thankful for your death of course, but thankful for the way I am watching all of my little flowers bloom around me, because of the love they have for you. For us. I don’t need any of my little flowers worrying about being happy or having a great life. They were all meant to, Ro. They were meant to because you were part of their worlds and you affected them in such a way, that they will become more beautiful, because of you. What a gift you have given all of us.

So to all of my Tricia Boo’s, my Little M’s, my Susie’s,┬ámy Macy’s….. stop it. Stop apologizing for things that you do not need to apologize for. You all have proven yourselves more than I could have ever asked for. My Macy… I’ve been meaning to tell you to stop apologizing for not calling me on the 4 months of Ronan’s death. He loved you so much. That in itself means you are my sister forever. Nothing you do or forget to do, will ever change the way I feel for you. I expect you all to live your lives, just the way you are. As being the best versions of yourselves and being happy and thankful, because you know what it truly means to have been loved by Ronan. If there ever comes a time, that I am hurt or mad, and that day may come….. And it could be over somethings as silly as the time that I yelled at Tricia because I said she abandoned me, and then she and Macy ended up tracking me down on Camelback Mountain; because they were so upset over my words. What happened then? Tricia grabbed me, we cried, hugged, and apologized. But we were honest with each other and it only made us closer. You know what else happened? Macy flashed everyone she passed with the skirt she was wearing as she tried to hike up the mountain, in sandals. It made me laugh and love those two more than I ever thought possible. I know, Ro, who is true. So do you. That is the reason our lives are filled with the most beautiful people on the face of the planet. And I’m not exaggerating. If you are in our lives, there is a reason why…. so stop worrying, second guessing, thinking you have offended me or hurt my feelings. I promise you, I will let you know.

I fell asleep late last night. Once again, the thought of falling asleep without having you to kiss goodnight, is worse than any nightmare that I could ever have. I fell asleep but did the usual tossing and turning. I remember a bit of my dreams, but not much. I remember it had to do with the locket I have, that I put some of your ashes in. Somebody, and I cannot remember who, took my locket and threw it into a fire. I remember screaming hysterically and thinking that I was burning you all over again and you were going to be able to feel it. It was an awful dream, Ro. I’m so sorry. I woke up today, so tired from my restless night. I bounced out of bed anyway. I had a meeting to go to. A meeting that I’m not going to go into too much detail about because it is personal. And I don’t know if this person is o.k. with me blabbing about the things we discussed today. I know how to tip toe around things when I need to, as I don’t want to scare people off. I know I walk a fine line with the responsibility that comes along with this blog, but for as much as I am all about honesty….I do want to be respectful of others. Let’s just say, I met with a mom today. An amazing mom who knows what it is like to walk in my shoes. She took the time to meet with me, listen to me, hold my hand, to cry with me; but she also took the time to tell me this is livable. Her marriage survived. She still has her other kids, who have turned out to be amazing kids. She told me how she knows what the lowest of the lows are, but when the highs come along, they are unbelievable. She didn’t sugar coat a thing, which you know I love. I love to meet other people who are open and honest; it makes my heart happy. It’s funny throughout all of this, the people I am meeting. The people whom I feel like I’ve known my whole life, even though I have not. It was so easy to feel a connection with this mom today, because of the fucked up club we are in together. She is a firecracker, like me. She is a fighter, like me. She is ready to go to War. She is willing to do whatever it takes to help me get this message across. She is ready for the Sea of Gold, that is going to come. I know this is going to take some time, but it is coming. I will stop at nothing to make sure of this. And I love all of you, for being on board as well. Thank you.

After my meeting, I came home and went to meet Inferno Fuckwad Bob, at Camelback Mountain. Man, he was messing with my head today. I climbed that mountain, in the heat of the day, while dealing with him, screaming in my head. I have now convinced myself that everyone I know, is either sick, dying or leaving me. Ronan, you had to leave me…. so who is next? This is what Inferno Fuckwad Bob, is trying to convince me of. He’s doing a pretty good job because I spent a majority of the day, screaming and crying. I ran down Camelback at an insane speed. I fell hard, didn’t feel an ounce of pain, got back up and screamed to the world, “This is the best you can do!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!” I fell. Just like we all do sometimes do in life, all the time. I made a choice today. I could have cried out in pain and carefully continued down the mountain, watching my every step, tending to my bloody hands, bruised ass, and jacked up ankle; but I didn’t. I got back up, laughed, screamed, had someone ask me if I was alright, said “Yes, thank you,” and I ran my ass the rest of the way down to the bottom. Fuck you, Cancer. I hate you so much, that you make me stronger than I ever knew I was capable of being. I remember driving in the car, sobbing, and screaming out loud to you how sorry I was. I swore on my life, the life that I don’t want anymore, that I would not stop advocating for Childhood Cancer until people start to become aware and a major shift comes. I swore that to you today, out loud and I will not let you down, Ro. I don’t care if this does not happen until I am on my death bed, at 100 years old. It’s going to fucking happen. I have to take this anger I feel for losing you and turn it into something good. I HAVE TO, Ro. You were so gorgeous Ronan, that I know you will end up making this disease, which is so dark and ugly, into something beautiful. Something that people will no longer ignore. I know we will make this happen, together. Just you and me, Ro. Forever.

I love you little man. I’ve got to pick up your brothers soon from the airport. I miss you a million times a day. I love you more than you will ever know. I hope you are safe. I hope you were never scared. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m so, so sorry, Baby Doll.

xoxo

Last Day! VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Voting ends tomorrow and it’s neck and neck. Vote if you have not, thank you if you have, but let’s keep spreading the word!! Then I will finally shut up about this contest:) Thanks lovelies!!

Regardless if I win, I am honored to have been nominated. Thank you to the person who nominated me, thank you to all the people who have voted and spread the word, thank you for being the most amazing voices for Ronan. We are going to move mountains with his LOVE!!!!
http://mom.babble.com/mom/mominations/mominees/charity/maya-thompson