Ronan. I’m still here despite my silence. It’s only been a few days since I’ve written, but it feels like a lifetime. A lot has happened, even though it really has not. Let me try to retrace my steps these past few days. Your Daddy ended up going to Vegas. It was a quick trip and I am glad he ended up going. He needed to. He deserved to. He needed to blow off some steam and spend some time with the boys doing boy things. Liam and Quinn left for Chicago with Mimi and Papa. They are still there. They went to the ASU game last night. It sounds like they have been having a great time.
While your Daddy and brothers were gone, I stayed home alone for the first time. I had people checking in on me, friends who were worried and said they didn’t like it….. that I should call my girlfriends to come and stay over. I didn’t listen. I wanted to see if I could do it. If I could handle being in our house, all by myself. It wasn’t enjoyable, but I made it though. The visions of blowing my brains out didn’t even crawl into my head like they usually do. I had a quiet night at home, crawled into bed, did a few things on the computer, and tossed and turned all night. I walked around the house a lot. Looked outside, expecting to find you. I didn’t. I made it though the Silent Night without you. FUCK. That song. I used to sing it to you ALL the time. I never sang it to Liam and Quinn. Always to you. It is what I would sing, hum, whisper to you when I was rocking you to sleep. I never knew what a silent night it would really end up being. That song creeps me out now. I hate it. Why that song? Is it because I knew that one day, I would be without you, alone in our house, and I would have to survive the fucking silent night? I had to survive the night without you. I had to do it alone. I hated every second of it.
Your Daddy came home from Vegas and as soon as he walked in the door, we hopped in the car and headed to Palm Springs. It was a last minute trip and we knew we should take advantage of your brothers being gone, so we decided to drive out to Palm Springs to see Laura and Kasey. It was either that or stay in Phoenix and get caught up in our everyday stuff. We both knew we needed to get out of town, to see some dear friends, to spend some time together, just the two of us. I have forgotten what it is like to be with your Daddy, just the two of us. To be honest, I was nervous about spending this time with him. You know how closed off I am to everyone and everything. Guess what I found on this trip though?? I found one of my best friends again. Your Daddy. I remembered. I remembered why I fell in love with him 13 years ago. I remembered why I married him. I remembered why I love the feeling of holding his hand. I remembered how I love to see him smile. I remembered how I used to love to smile for him. I remember how much I love how he towers over me and makes me feel so tiny, even though I am tall. I remembered all of that and it felt nice. It all felt really nice, but it made me miss you even more. This guilt/grief thing really messes with ones mind. Anytime I felt a tinge of happiness, I would feel a rush of guilt wash over me. As if I was betraying you. I tried to talk myself out of these feelings, but it was impossible. I’m just going to continue to do what I’ve been doing, which is to nurture the feelings I am having and not try to change them. I have to embrace them and right now, and guilt is a big part of what I feel. I feel guilty for many things, but most of all for being here and living this life without you. It seems so unfair. You were supposed to be here, living this life with us. You were supposed to live to be a hundred, not only almost 4. Just shows you how little control we have of this thing called life. Absolutely none. I said this to your Daddy tonight. I don’t know how our conversation started, but it ended up with me yelling something like, “So what! We did everything right in our lives. EVERYTHING! And look what happened to us!” Just goes to show you, there are no guarantees in life, no matter how hard you work, how much you love, how you think you make all the right choices….. It can all be taken away in an instant and then what? You are left blind-sighted, trapped in this life, wishing for death everyday. But good thing you worked so hard to make the perfect plan.
Palm Springs was a good break. It was pretty low key. We spent some time with Laura and Kasey. I got to see your little friend, Cameron. She misses you. It was harder than I thought it was going to be, being around her. I spent a lot of Friday night, at Laura and Kasey’s house, just crying. I sat with Cameron and painted her little 3 year old fingernails and toe nails. As I was in the middle of this, she looked up at me and goes, “Maya, why did Ronan die in the hospital?” Oh, baby. I didn’t even know how to answer her. I couldn’t think of anything remotely acceptable to respond as an answer to her. So I didn’t. I just choked back my tears instead. Laura soon put Cameron to bed. I went to snuggle with her and we talked and I rubbed her back. I sang her our “Twinkle, Twinkle, LIttle Star,” as I played with her little fingers that reminded me so much of yours. You both have the same big hands and long fingers. I cried as I snuggled with her. Sweet, sweet, girl. She talks about you a lot and thinks about you a lot. She misses you and told Laura she wishes you were back with us. That’s a big thing to come out of a 3 year olds mouth. She loves you. I remember how much you loved her too. I’ll never forget your Tu Tu party with her, your first summer at the beach together, how you discovered your love of pickles together. Laura and I would talk about how you would grow into adults and get married. It was the perfect plan until it wasn’t. Until is was no more. No more planning your days, months, years, or life.
How quickly everything changes. What an awful change.
It was good to spend some time with our friends. I tried my best to keep it together and to smile and laugh along with my tears. The endless tears that just flow whenever, wherever. I have no control. I don’t need to. You are worth every one of them. The endless tears that I know I will cry for the rest of my life, Ro. I miss you.
My melatonin is starting to kick in. I’m tired, baby. I hate that I have to go to sleep now, without kissing you goodnight. Do all of you mommies out there, who have your babies, know how lucky you are?? For the first time in my life, I know the feeling of being jealous. A feeling I have never experienced in my life, but now I do, after losing Ro. It is a very sad thing to feel. It stings and it’s ugly. But I feel it, and I’m not going to deny it. I hope one day I won’t, but as of now I do. I refuse to let it make me an ugly person. Jealousy can turn the most beautiful people, into the most ugly. I will deal with it, let it fuel my fire for this fucked up disease of Childhood Cancer, that everybody just wants to ignore. Here’s what I have to say to anyone who reads what I write, but chooses to look the other way. Childhood Cancer can happen to ANYONE. Infants, toddlers, children, teen-agers, adolescents…. ANYONE. If you read about Ronan, if you are now aware of his story and you choose to do nothing…. I feel sorry for you. Truly sorry. I pray that the day never comes, that somebody you know, whether it be your child, niece, nephew, grandchild, best friends child, etc…… GOD FORBID, ends up getting cancer. You will feel like such an Asshole, knowing that you knew about Ro, but continued to live your blissfully happy life. If you are reading this blog, it is for a REASON. Do something with that reason. Help be a change. Be aware. Be proactive. Stop sitting on your ass and living in a bubble. If there ever comes a day, that your bubble bursts and you had your wake up call but didn’t take it…… Well that just sucks. I don’t care if the only way you change your life, is by just being more thankful….. At least that is something and it has come from the beauty of my son. I refuse to let him die in vain. I WILL NOT LET HIM DIE IN VAIN. This is my promise to him and the world. A change is coming. A change for the better, because life without one is absolutely pathetic and disgusting.
That’s my political attempt for the night, with my eyes half closed and heart ALWAYS heavy. Miss you, my baby doll. So much more to say, but words are failing me. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Night baby.