Rain from Ro

Ronan. So many people made today, not an awful day. Friends, family, strangers and even you. As much as I was dreading today…. too many things happened for it to be anything, but beautiful. For as awful as I was feeling inside, there were too many things in the Universe, spinning around, not in my hands… making today bearable. I survived today and even made it though the day with a smile. Something I don’t do very often anymore. Something I miss doing so very much.

The day started off normally. Well, kind of. I was tired from not falling asleep until early morning. I heard Quinn come into my room around 6 a.m., saying he had a bad dream. I had just fallen asleep a few hours earlier. I wrapped my arms around him and we both fell back asleep. It was 8 before we woke up and I thought about just staying in bed and keeping your brothers home with me today. I knew if I did this, that it would not be a good day. I would have ended up hiding in bed, and not coming out. That is something your brothers do not need to see and I do not need to do. It only makes me feel worse. I got up, got Quinn up and we rushed to get out of the house before school started. We barely made it. I dropped your brothers off and went to Hava Java to meet N and Fernanda for coffee. I found a table outside, which never happens; as that place is always packed. Fernanda showed up and N soon after. I just happened to get a table right next to Susan Levine. She came to visit us when you were there. Gosh, she is beautiful. She knows, N and said Hello. I went up to her and gave her a hug and I thought I was going to have to remind her who I was, but I didn’t. She remembered. Even in my running shorts, no make-up, baseball hat self. She still recognized me as your Mom. I tried not to cry and thanked her for her amazing Ryan House. It was strange seeing her today, on your 4 months, but it felt like it was supposed to happen. Like it was meant to be.

I sat outside with N and Fernanda. We talked and caught up. N had to leave after a short amount of time due to a work call. It felt nice just to see her face. After N left, I sat with Fernanda and we talked about how I want to go back to NYC…. to have a few words with Kushner. We both know it will not do any good, as we are sure he is not capable of dealing with an emotional, angry mother. I don’t care if I don’t get though to him at all. I just want that man to look me in the eyes and tell me he is sorry. How he promised things that he should not have, and that when he couldn’t deliver, he abandoned us. He owes that to you, Ronan. I need closure. It is something that I cannot do without. It is part of my healing process. It may seem stupid and trivial, but it is important to me.

As Fernanda and I were sitting outside, we weren’t really talking, we were just being. I do this with her a lot. As we were both just being, we looked up at the sky. It started to rain. Rain in September. Rain from Ro. The sky opened up and I swear it was just over Hava Java as the clouds were nowhere else to be seen. Fernanda and I both looked at each other and just sat, held hands across the table and cried. We both know the rain was from you. You know how happy rain makes me. It is one of my favorite things in the world. I felt the little drips of the rain, on my lips and the tip of my nose. Kisses from you. It was such a perfect moment. So simple and filled me with a bit of joy. The fact that I had this moment while Fernanda sat across from me, made it even better. I know you saw the two of us today. You wanted us to know that you are still around and that you are taking care of us now. I really believe this to be true. We sat with the rain and it stopped after a few minutes. I didn’t want to leave but had to get on with the day. Inferno Hiking was waiting. It wasn’t much of an Inferno Hike today. You out of towners are going to laugh when I tell you how “Cool,” the temperature was. It was only 101 today so the Inferno did not exist. I cannot believe I am even saying that. Anywhere else, and 101 would be boiling. Not here. It felt chilly today as I climbed the mountain in that degree of heat and not the 115 that I have been hiking it in. I got to the top and sat down on my bench. I actually laid down and cried my eyes out all while watching the most amazing clouds roll in and the wind thrash back and forth. It was really windy up there today. I listened for you. I talked to you and told you I love you. I hope you heard me. I stayed up top for a good 30 minutes and ran all the way back down. Right as I was ending my run, The Bravery song that I played for you last night, came on. So funny. So fitting. So you.

I came home, showered and the doorbell rang. I went to answer it and it was a delivery guy with the most gorgeous purple flowers. A card was attached, and said something about making this day brighter, but no name was signed. So, I have no idea whom these flowers came from today but I am going to say Thank You, anyway. So thoughtful, sweet, and made me smile. They are gorgeous. What’s even more gorgeous is the fact that somebody out there sent me these flowers, without needing me to know who they are. I love deeds such as this. That says so much about a person. So, lovely stranger or friend. Thank you for your kindness today. I love that no recognition was needed. But I’m still dying to know who sent them! If you want to tell, feel free to send me a little message;) If not, that’s o.k. too. I totally understand.

I headed over to see Katie at her boutique. I brought her a Green Tea from Starbucks and a slew of bracelets. She said her phone had been ringing off the hook all day and her email was flooded with requests for your bracelets. I could not believe it. I am still in awe of the support and love that is coming from all of this. I sat at the counter, while she rang up customers. I am surprised at how much at home I feel in Katie’s store and with her. I hardly know this girl, yet her store feels like a second home to me. So strange. I feel like I’ve known her my entire life even though I only met her last week. I am such a skeptic of people too and their intentions. I feel only good vibes when I am with Katie. I know she is helping me because she is just a good-hearted person; not because she wants anything from all of this. She has nothing to gain, she has no reason to put herself out there to gain anything. Her intentions are so true and pure. I love this. As I was sitting at her counter, while she was gift wrapping something for a customer, guess what came on while I was sitting there? Stevie Nicks, “Landslide.” I just looked at Katie and gave her a hard time about putting that song on, on purpose. We both laughed and then the tears started to well up in my eyes. We just kept staring back and forth at each other, both getting teary eyed, while trying to keep our composure in front of her customer. Katie yelled out, “O.K. I can’t even look at you right now.” I just smiled and wiped my tears away. It was such a funny moment. I left there shortly after to grab your brother and cousins from school.

I had a crazy house full of boys. Wild, funny, happy boys. I had 4 of your cousins over to play. 2 of them are staying the night. It’s been a really great night. I love nothing more than being surrounded by kids. It’s my happiness. I took your brothers and cousins to basketball practice. Your daddy is coaching their team again. I watched my two little hoopsters and what amazing players they have become. You would be so proud of them. After practice, your Daddy went to the ASU football game. I took the 4 boys and we decided to try a restaurant, “Beckett’s Table,” for dinner. We have wanted to try this place out for months now. I was so excited to go somewhere new, with my date of 4 boys all under the age of 8. All the boys were really excited too. We sat outside in this amazing weather and had the best service. A really sweet server came out after we had been there for about 30 minutes. We were the only one’s on the patio, eating, but she came out to say Hello and to tell me that she reads this blog. I was surprised, as I guess I kind of forget that I’ve put myself out there in such a way that strangers recognize me. I gave her a big hug and told her thank you. She asked if I Inferno Hiked today and I told her yes. She than said something about how she felt so voyeuristic about knowing all of this stuff about me and asked me if it felt weird. I told her I honestly didn’t think about it at all and I still think that I am really only writing to you, and that nobody really reads what I write. I told her how much I appreciated her coming up to me and saying hello, because I do. So many people won’t and that just sucks. I would rather have someone tell me they are sorry than say nothing at all. As I was gathering up the 4 best dates in the world, we walked out of the restaurant and I smiled and said thank you to the people who were standing by the kitchen. One of the managers chased me out to tell me that our dinner, was on them tonight. I tried to put up a fight but she just was not having it. I wanted to cry but I put on my brave face and told her thank you so much. The kindness of this big city, is really something remarkable. The chocolate covered bacon was amazing. Actually, everything was amazing. Thank you, Beckett’s Table tonight. It was truly one of the best dinners out that I have had in a VERY long time. We’ll be back, for sure:)

I missed you today and tonight, Ro. In everything I did. Even driving in the car. I looked in my rear view mirror today, at the place where you used to sit, behind me. It was empty and felt so wrong. I almost had to pull the car over to throw up. I can’t believe I don’t have you behind me anymore, throwing things at my head, squeezing toothpaste that you had found, all over yourself and smearing it on the windows. This is so fucking wrong. So unfair. So permanent. I still can’t believe that you are never coming back. I still feel like your Daddy is going to come bouncing through the doors with you. I still feel like I made you up in my head, because the pain of knowing that you were here, and are now gone, is just too much. People say this gets easier over time. I’m here to tell you, it does not. 4 months later, and the pain is worse. Your Daddy agrees too. Time does not heal wounds. If you survive something like this, you just learn to live with the pain. You learn to fill the holes here and there, but there will always be a big chunk of your heart missing. That is a fact. It does not get easier, you never forget, the pain does not become less over time. It stays with you, every second of the day until you just becomes used to it. It is just a part of the person you are. Pretty soon, you are so used to the pain of all of this, that you don’t remember what it felt like before. It is as if you have felt this way your entire life. Well, this is my experience anyway. To each his own.

Time to go baby. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you so very much.

Goodnight my lovelies. Thank you to everyone who texted me super early this morning to say they were thinking of me, for all the phone calls, FB messages, emails. smiles, hugs, random flowers and a really sweet dinner. I am in awe of all the love that surrounds us thanks to Ronan. Love you all.

xoxo

Katie@Garage……

Has these in! Stop by, FB, or call her. She’ll ship for FREE!

Click on her FB page and you can order them that way……https://www.facebook.com/katie.garage   Be sure to *LIKE* her page as well.

Email her….katie@garageboutique.com

Call her store….. 480.556.6900

Or stop on by….. 7144 E. Stetson Drive, Scottsdale, AZ

THANK YOU LOVELIES!!! THANK YOU, SWEET KATIE!!!!!

4 Months feels like 4 Years. Thanks, Cancer. You’re AWESOME.

Ro. I can write tonight. I need to write tonight. It’s been a couple of days I think. I don’t know that I’ll be able to sleep tonight. It’s creeping up. The 9th of every month date. 3:30 a.m. will be here soon. I’ve been dreading it all week. Consumed by it. 4 months is almost here. What was I doing at this time, 4 months ago? Laying with you, while Fernanda sat and watched you so we could get some sleep together. I was cuddled up beside you, which was always my favorite place to be. I’ll bet you Fernanda was rubbing you, trying to sing, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” but she didn’t know the words, so she had to Google them on her phone. I love that story. She watched you because she knew that I needed the rest and I wouldn’t sleep if someone wasn’t keeping their eye on you.  She knew when it was her time to go and I think she left around 2:30 a.m. She kissed us goodbye and left the two of us in the room, alone together. She knew that it was time for you to go. She knew that we needed to be alone. She knows so much. I remember watching you. Your little breaths got so shallow. I remember The Ryan House nurse standing over us and how fast my heart was beating. I looked up at her and asked if you were gone. She told me not yet, but it was going to be soon. I remember thinking how unfair it was that my heart was rapidly beating, yet yours was getting ready to stop. I kissed you all over. I told you I loved you and whispered to you, “Come on baby. Come with me. Let’s get out of this place.” I asked her to go and get your Daddy. You waited for him to come in and kiss you goodbye. Then your little heart just stopped. Just like that. I go over this night in my head, at least 10 times a day. I pray that you know how much I love you, I pray that you were not scared as I worry about that so much. I still can’t believe you are gone and that I am still here, living this life, without you.
I had a mini freak out today. Panic took over after I dropped your brothers off at school. I knew I could not go home to an empty house. I went to Starbucks and sat with my computer and went through emails and paid bills. I emailed somebody at www.spirithoods.com and told them about you and asked them if they had ever thought about donating their amazing “hoods,” to kids with Cancer. I told them how much you loved yours and how many cancer kids would comment on it, but probably couldn’t afford to buy one. I asked them to consider donating some. I actually got a response pretty quickly and I was very impressed. I’m working on them and I have a feeling they won’t let me down. Could you imagine how many smiles their Spirit Hoods would bring to the faces of kids everywhere. Hospitals are notorious for being cold. Remember how much we loved wearing ours together. You looked so cute in yours. I could have gobbled you up and am sure I tried. I miss your little face so much.

One of our favorites met me for a bit today. I was a wreck, but tried my best to remain calm. I don’t think I put on a very good show. It’s fine. I have never been one to pretend with our lovie. No reason to. I talked about how this date is hard for me every month. I tried not to cry and just listened to the words that came my way. I tried to keep an open mind and to not be angry at the fact that you are not here. Our lovie sat and told me that you are not really gone, that you are everywhere. That you will never be gone. I know this deep down, but it does not take away the pain of your physical self not being here. It does not take away the pain of not being able to hear your squeaky voice or look at your beautiful face. Our lovie asked for a smile. I refused as my smile seemed nowhere to be found today. I’ll bet you I went the whole freaking day without smiling. And I always smile for our lovie. That’s how you know it was a really, really, bad day. I know you know. I know it’s on my really bad days, that you find some way to make me feel a little happy. I found that today when I went to visit my new friend, Katie, at her boutique. Her kind heart and kick ass music playlist made me feel good. I joked with her that she must secretly have access to my iPod because I swear she always has my favorite songs playing while I am in her store. Tom Petty’s “Last Dance with Mary Jane,” was on when I was telling her that. Oh, Tom Petty…. how I love thee. And Miss Katy…. this new gorgeous girl you have put in my life, Ro. Thank you. I can tell she is going to be a big part of this new, strange, life without you. Another one of your little gifts. Thanks baby.

The rest of the day was spent in therapy. Therapy with your Daddy and than I went off to therapy alone with Sarah. I felt like my head was spinning most of the day. Than I decided that it should feel that way, as I have many hats that I am wearing right now. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing; but it is where I’m at. You want to hear all of the hats I’m wearing? I’ll tell you.

The Maya Hat- Trying to take care of me. Whatever that means.

The Ronan Hat- Trying to connect and still trying to take care of you. It’s all I want to do.

The Mama Hat- Trying to be a good Mama to your brothers. I’m naturally a good mom, so this is not hard. But it still takes a lot more effort than it used to.

The Wife Hat- Trying to be a wife to your Daddy. Failing.

The Therapy Hat- Sarah, Dr. Rachel, Dr. Joanne, and Dr. Beth with Liam and Quinn. FUCK. That is a lot of therapy, but so necessary.

The Friend Hat- Trying. Failing. I miss my friends.

The Foundation Hat- My busy work. Trying to get everything figured out. I like this hat. It gives me HOPE that I am keeping  you alive; even though you are gone.

The Not Slitting my Wrists Hat- Want to. Everyday. Everyday I survive without doing this is a fucking miracle.

The Grieving Hat- I’m doing this. In my way, alone. Or in the presence of therapists. I’m working hard to do this. I don’t want to stuff away any pain because it will all come back to haunt me later if I do.

So baby. What do you think about all of that? That’s A LOT of stuff. Remember back in the day, when all we had to worry about was naps and grocery shopping? That life does not even seem real anymore. I feel like I’ve been living this life now, forever. What a stupid, spoiled brat I was. I’ve got a lot of making up to do for being such an ignorant human being. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. It’s fine, baby. I’m not scared. I know you are going to help me, therefore, I can do anything. Fuck You, Cancer. Right, Ro?

My new friend, Heather, also stopped by for a visit. She is the Queen of random, surprise drive-by’s. I just happened to be home and was so glad to see her face. We sat in the kitchen today and talked for awhile. She is another one of those peeps with such an amazing heart. She always seems to appear when I need  a bit of cheering up. When I need a little kick in the ass to remind me of how strong I am. She told me that she tells someone, at least once a day, that I am going to do for Childhood Cancer, what Lance Armstrong has done for Cancer in general. WOW. What a compliment. Talk about picking a girl up, when she is down. I took a minute to think about what she told me. I started to get overwhelmed, but a calmness washed over me. I think she is right. I think she is right because I have you to fight for and the strength you give me will help me change things, in a drastic way. Everything I used to be scared of, Ro…. no longer exists. I am here, on this earth, to change things for you. Because you know that you did not deserve to die, nor does any other child suffering from Cancer. Somebody has got to take this fucker down. Super Ro to the rescue!!!!! I know we can do this, little man. Heather, knows we can do this. She lit up like a little Christmas Tree when she was telling me this today. It was so stinking adorable. It was so beautiful. It was so you.

Oh, Ro. Nice song pick tonight as I was just getting to end this post. Seriously! That just got you the BIGGEST SMILE! I love you to the moon and back, baby. I hope you are safe. You are so right, this is absolutely not the end.

THE BRAVERY

Tell me
Come on tell me what you can
Even as you wait for death your wiser than I am
Tell me what does it mean to exist
I am not a scientist I must believe there’s more than this
And I can not accept
That everything that’s real
Is only what our eyes can see
And our hands can feel

[chorus]
Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
Are just as real as the time we spent
You’ll always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end

I see
I can see you’re still afraid
Weathered like the silver moon, on you even fear looks good
I wish, I wish I had some words to give
But all that I can think to say
Is I’ll be with you everyday

[chorus]
Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
I just realized the time we spent
You’ll always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end

La la la la la
This is not the end
La la la l al la
This is not the end

I don’t care
I don’t care what you believe
As long as you are in my heart
You’re just as real as me
Maybe
Maybe even more
Someone who’s touched so many lives
can never, ever die

[chorus]
Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
I just realized the time we spent
You always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end