Day: August 29, 2011

It’s funny how freedom, can make us feel contained

Ro baby. What have I been doing? I’m really not sure. A lot. Going, going, going. Life just passes by, in slow motion. What day is it? Who cares? Not me. It’s Monday. I had to think about that, but it is. I had a busy Monday. Your daddy took the boys to school, even though I was up and ready. That was nice of him to do for me. Sometimes, I need a break from the happiness that flows out of your brothers’ school. It still stings me. I got in my car, with many errands to do. Post office, Bank, Store, Dry Cleaners, blahblahblah. My little twinkle noise went off on my phone. It’s my special text message noise that I have for whenever Fernanda sends me a text. It only twinkles like this, when she calls. You know why. She asked where I was. I told her just leaving the house. She said she wanted to see me. I told her to meet me at the Starbucks in the Safeway I like to go to. She said o.k.

I sat there with my coffee, waiting for my ray of sunshine to appear. She did. I was so glad. She sat and had a conversation with the Starbucks lady, in Spanish; all while smiling the entire time. I sat back and just watched this little gem of mine. The way she treats everyone… and I mean, EVERYONE… is unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed before, in my life. She had the Starbucks woman laughing and smiling from ear to ear, as if they had been friends forever. It’s just pure KINDNESS, Ro. Plain and simple. It’s how everyone in the world should treat EVERYONE. She does it so effortlessly. So beautifully. So naturally.

She reminds me so much of you. Everything from her laugh to her sparkly eyes, to the old soul that lives inside of her body. She is one of the few people that my heart has never lost sight of throughout all of this. We spent the entire summer apart, didn’t talk or text much and I was so o.k. with that. I missed her, but we have such a deep connection that I never felt like I was without her. She is one of my secret weapons in all of this. I am so lucky to have her. She was so lucky to have you; and you her. I know you know all of this.

After I left Fernanda…. I went and checked off some of my “Shit List.” Check please. I functioned for a couple of hours like a normal person, trapped inside of a Zombies body. I came home, and just as I was going over some mail, a car pulled into the driveway. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I didn’t know who it was until she got out of the car. It was our dear, sweet Lisa. Apparently, I have not been calling her back and she has been worried. I have a hard time keeping up with the people who call me, listening to messages, and returning phone calls. Lisa wrapped her arms around me and held me for a bit. It felt nice but sad all at the same time. I hate to see the pain in other people’s eyes. It hurts every bone in my body. We sat quietly at our kitchen table. We watched through the kitchen window as a man approached the front door, and rang the doorbell. I knew it was a solicitor, but I didn’t want to be mean as he saw us sitting at the table. I went and answered the door.

He gave me his whole talk, all while dressed up in his nicest clothes, sweat pouring off of his head; trying to sell me some magazines. I let him talk, the whole thing lasted about 5 minutes. I told him no thank you, best of luck, but I just couldn’t do it today. I then felt really guilty. WTF, Maya. Just buy a magazine from him and make his day. As this thought was forming in my head, he goes, “Can I ask you why not. What did I do wrong? What can I do better next time? Is it my people talking skills? I’m trying to improve those.”

I just started crying. And not the cute crying, where a sweet little tear rolls down one cheek. Full on choking on my tears, sobbing. I told him that it was nothing that he did at all. I think I said something like, “I’m so sorry. It’s not you at all. It’s just my 3-year-old son just died of Cancer and I can’t pull it together enough to buy one of your magazines. I’m so sorry. You were wonderful.”

He took a step back. Stuttered on his words as he tried to find something to say. He told me how sorry he was, and that he would pray for you. I told him thank you and shut the door. I returned to Lisa, mumbled out some FUCKTHISSHIT swear words while wiping my eyes. She gave me another hug, made sure I was o.k. and told me she didn’t want to keep me as she knew I was wanting to head out to go Inferno Hiking. INFERNO HIKING or BUST today.

I drove to the mountain, in a furry of rage. Blinded by my anger. Made it there, somehow. I threw on my headphones. I think it was around 12:30 and the temp in my car read 112. Fuck it. I decided to run up the entire mountain today. No walking breaks at all. I think I tried to kill myself. I did not succeed. I made it to the top, in record time. My clothes were dripping wet, my eyes were burning, and my body was so hot that I could feel the heat from the ground, burning into the heels of my feet. I almost threw up but managed to somehow not to. Little M and T would have been proud.

I sat down on the bench, after I put down the small towel that I brought with me; on it. Even sitting on the towel today was so hot it scorched my skin. I sat anyway. I yelled out your name. A bunch of times, as if I was calling for you to come inside from playing. The wind picked up and I listened to the whispers all around me. I listened for the sound of your voice. I couldn’t hear you. I continued to scream and cry out loud for you. I looked up at the sky. The 2 Eagles, that always appear when I get to the top, were flying above me. In the exact same spot they always are. A mama and a baby from what I can tell. I smiled and watched them. I watched them until the one flew away and the other one continued to fly alone, above me. I was begging in my head for the mama to come back to the baby, so they could fly away together. She didn’t. The baby flew around for a few more minutes and went off in its own direction. To its own destination. It made me sad. I just wanted the mama and baby to be together. But we can’t always get what we want. I know that lesson better than anyone now.

It’s been a long day, babydoll. I’m supposed to be working on my homework for my grief session with Dr. J tomorrow. My All About Grief, worksheet. I’m sitting in your room, with your ashes on the floor next to me. I wish I could take you with me everywhere I go. I may just start walking around with your Urn with me. Taking it everywhere I go. OMG. Could you imagine the looks I would get. This is so cracking me up, that I may just do it. To break the rules, with you once again. How much do you dare me to take you to Safeway with me one day?So sick, so twisted, but such is this life now. I just told your Daddy about taking you with me to Safeway. He first looked at me like I had two heads; but then took it to a whole new level and said I should put you in a Baby Bjorn as well. He knows me so well, that he doesn’t even try to fight me on all of the nonsense I display. He made me laugh out loud when he said that. I have not laughed with at him in so long.

All I want is our life back, with you, so we can carry one, breaking our rules left and right. I just miss you so much. We all do. I’m going now, baby. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Thank Ro(not God) for that Dental Floss tonight

Ro baby. I am going to try to write tonight; but I am tired. I will do my best because I miss you so very much and my mind is anything but still. Today started out o.k. Waking up knowing our reality, is never easy to do. I got up and started working on some things around the house. Organizing things. Very fun. I can tell things like this are going to become an obsession for me. Things that I can control, are very important to me now. Things were so out of control, for so very long, now it is as if I am becoming obsessed with the things I can control. Such as how much I exercise, how much I eat or don’t eat, the perfectly put away laundry….. I cannot wait to start project organization on my closet tomorrow. The once, carefree, chaotic life that we used to live, seems like a fairytale. It is no longer here. Oh, how I long for the chaos that you created. You used to leave my head spinning, but in such a good way. I could never keep up with you and your craziness. So, I just gave in and joined you instead. We were such a perfect match. You were the best little partner in crime. I miss you so much. I don’t like not having a partner in crime anymore. Trying to keep this up, without you, is so boring and dull. And just plain sad.

Ro baby. I didn’t finish that last night. I had to snuggle up with Quinn instead who was sobbing about how badly he misses you. I held him tight for a long time, in the bottom bunk of his bed. I didn’t know what to do; so I just held him and tried to comfort him. I kept telling him how sorry I was, how unfair all of this was, how much I loved him, how strong of a family we are…..but my words were of no comfort to him. I gave in and told him to let it all out, how it was good to cry about you. It ended up being too much, so I in turn, just gave in and cried with him. As soon as he noticed my tears, he sat up and said the words that he’s said to me a thousand times now….”You o.k. Mom?” I wiped my tears away and told him I would be o.k. if he was going to be o.k. He said that he would and we decided to climb up to the top of Liam’s bunk bed to sleep. Liam was snuggled in bed with your Daddy. I fell into another night of restless of sleep, with Quinn by my side.

The weekend is over. It was all pretty much a blur. We had friends over, ran errands, did things around the house, went Inferno Hiking a couple of times….. I had breakfast with my besties this morning. Me and my 3 dolls. Not many laughs, but more tears. It is o.k. though. I know there will come a time when we will laugh like we used to. It’s the friends that stick by your side, during the toughest of times; who you will be with until the end. I’m so lucky to have the girls’ that I do as they are truly the best of the best. I know I say this all of the time, but I wouldn’t be standing here, without them. My sisters for life.

I went to the grocery store tonight. Alone. I hate the grocery store so much. I needed to get things for the week. Once I stepped in the store, the panic took over. My head started spinning and I could not focus on a thing. I filled my cart with fruits, veggies, things to pack for your brothers lunches. I did not have a list, as I thought I could remember what I needed. I used to be so good at that. I knew there was something that I really needed to get at the store. The one thing that I could not forget. I had spent much of the day, reminding myself, over and over, what I needed to get. Once I was at the store, I could not remember what that one thing was; to save my life. I knew it was something to do with toiletries. I walked up and down the aisles, trying to remember what in the fuck it was that I needed. It wasn’t shampoo, soap, face wash, Q-tips…… I was about to burst into tears. Why is my brain not working anymore? This is so not fair. Why are you dead? You are dead and my memory is gone. I used to have a memory like an elephant. Almost photogenic. Just as the tears started to form, I turned down the toothpaste aisle. There it was, Ro! Dental Floss! I’ve never been so happy to see goddamn dental floss in my LIFE!

I made the mistake of going down the toy aisle. There it was. A Star Wars action figure that we never had. A new one. NONONONONONO. I picked it up. I started talking out loud, repeating, “Guy’s Helmet,” over and over just like you used to call them. I took a picture of it. I almost bought it. I had to set that toy down tonight and just walk away. I had to walk away from knowing that I couldn’t buy you that toy tonight and bring it home to you. You would have been so excited and I could almost feel you wrapping your arms around my neck and giving me one of your best kisses. I cannot believe that I cannot have that anymore.

Babydoll. I’ve got to say goodnight. Your daddy is sad and I just don’t know what to do with all of this. Everybody is sad. How can I fix everyone else around me when I am so badly shattered that the simple act of connecting, being attentive, loving, and compassionate to those closest to me, often leaves me locked in a bathroom, lights off, puking my guts out.

Thanks, Fuckwad Cancer for taking my baby away from all of us. I HATE YOU.

G’nite Ro. My babydoll. My “not spicy,” monkey, my blue-eyed boy. I love you to the moon and back.

And P.S. WTF is this thing? It could be the most genius invention, EVER. Way better than the snuggie. Can somebody get me one of these? I would like to put it on and wear it for the rest of my LIFE. Stupid life. But this so made me crack up.