Ronan. Guess what I am doing, as I am writing to you? I am totally living on the edge…. behaving in such a self-destructive way. I am drinking a Coke at 10:00 at night, AND, eating those Extreme Airheads that you used to love. I am so on a path to self-destruction, that it is not even funny. Please baby. If this is living on the edge to me, after losing you…. I think I am going to be o.k. I have a cabinet full of booze that I never touch. If I was doing that, which I SO have every right to do…. than my lovelies could be concerned. But I am not. I am not going to lie. I had some hard things said to me tonight. Hard as in they were honest feelings from an angel of mine, who is just worried about me…. because of this blog. I get it. Most people would choose to live this out privately and not share their innermost thoughts with a worldwide web of strangers. But most of these people, who are worried that this blog is not healthy; have never lost a child. Thank god. I have people who are worried that I am not grieving properly, as if there is a right way or a wrong way to do this. But I took the honest words that were said to me tonight, and sat with them for a while. I questioned myself, for about 2 seconds. I had a total anxiety attack and called Tricia, bawling, hysterically. I often feel like I am being selfish for just putting this all out there, not caring of about who I am worrying, or even hurting, because of my raw, real, pain. I get it. I get that most people would choose to be quiet and not put everything out there that I am. I sat with Tricia and asked her if she thought I as sacrificing my family for all of this. If she thought I was being disrespectful to my Woo and my boys. I had a moment of panic wash over me that maybe, I am really an awful human being, to be so open and honest because my family is my number one priority; and I would never want to hurt them. She played Devils Advocate with me for a while, but ended up telling me that if I am being true to myself, than that is all that matters. And I am. Everyone grieves in a different way. I grieve every second of the day, and it is only at night that I am able to take my grief and write these words out that I don’t feel the pain that I feel all day long. It is my release. Is my stuff hard to read, especially when you are close to me? I can only imagine. But it is the truth and I know the truth scares the shit out of people. Is it too raw and real? Absolutely. But I have made a decision to continue on. It feeds my soul. I am not a quiet mouse who is going to shrink away in a corner and pretend and give a generic answer that we are doing fine. We are not, but I would love to see someone who is after going through something like this. We are trying to do the best we can. Which is why I am getting out of bed everyday, tending to my twins’ every needs. Which is why I am seeing 3 different therapists, as well as one with Woody and the twins. I am being pro-active about what we need to do, individually and as a family. I am proud of us, despite the people who don’t agree. For us, this is how we are dealing with this. With much honesty, love, truth, boldness, sadness, tears, all while trying to do normal things like a lot of family time.
I am not going to sit back and be quiet. Ronan would never want that. This is my time, that I actually feel happy and passionate and so connected to Ronan. I told Tricia, I don’t care if the only thing to come from my writing is making someone smile over the Starbucks I bought for a random stranger in front of me today. In my heart, I know that making someone smile over a free drink is really only something small; but it still made me feel good. I don’t get to feel good anymore; so little things like that help. Or how when I was running the other night, and we had a bad wind storm. In the middle of my run, I noticed someone in our neighborhood’s Recycling Bin fell over and papers and mail were scattered all over the street and the can was tipped upside down. I almost ignored it and continued my run. But I just couldn’t do it. I took the 10 minutes to stop, pick up all the papers, bills, school work, and used all the strength in my body to lift that full, heavy, Recycling Bin back up and put all the things back inside that were scattered all over the street. Would I have done this before all of this? I’m ashamed to say, probably not. I would have just chosen to ignore it and continued on my run, so caught up in my head. But I could not ignore it, and I have you to thank, Ro. You make me want to be a better person, everyday.
I sat with the second guessing all of this for some time. I than approached Woody about all of my writing. I asked if he wanted me to stop. I told him I would, if he thought it was going to add extra stress to our lives. We are on the same page. He understands and supports this. He knows that we are going to make big changes with this disease. For those of you who don’t know… the people who have made the most impact in this world, are the rebels. The one’s who don’t shut up, give in, and shy away. I am a rebel at heart. I have a lot to say about this fucked up thing like losing a kid. I am going to continue down this path, because it feels right to me, in this moment. And as of now, that is all I can ask of in life. What if because what I am putting out there, that a parent notices an early sign of Neuroblastoma or another type of childhood cancer? Because they are now paranoid when before they wouldn’t have given a second thought about it, just like we didn’t. What if they insist on a urine test or scan. What if they happen to catch this disease in the early stage, when it is most easily curable? I will one day, sleep better at night, knowing that I could have been the reason behind all of this. I could maybe have helped to save a child’s life because of the awareness I am raising. That right there, will make all of this hard, painful writing, worth it to me. I am not doing this only for myself, but the thought of helping others as well. This writing and sharing is an outlet to me. I feel like I am respectful to my husband as I choose very carefully what I talk about in regards to “us.” I know I need to have some boundaries and I know what they are. If I was choosing to share our sex life, in vivid detail, than I would totally get that I am being disrespectful. I choose very carefully what I share. I choose to share my feelings, what days are like after losing our best friend, how we are doing…. honestly. I am not scared of any of that because in the end my friends, the truth will set you free. So, if you are going to be scared of it, disagree with it, and not want to be in my life anymore…. because the pain is too hard and real, I totally understand. I would never judge another because of that. I will love the friends that I have had in my life, before this, and after this, even if they choose to go away. They will always have a piece of my heart. I accept anything thrown my way, especially if it is from an honest place. But the bottom line is, there is no formula for this. If you have not lost a child, you do not know how you would act or what you would do. I am doing what feels right to me. Is it wrong, not helpful, or going to destroy me? I have no way of knowing that. All I can do is continue on this path, that feels right to me today, because today is all that matters. I have the support of Woody and that is all I need. Well, not truly all I need. I have a slew of girlfriends that I would not be getting though this at all without them. And my twins. I am so beyond blessed for all of them.
I have a whole notepad that I wanted to write about tonight, but i am making this post too long already. I will write tomorrow if I have time, about some ideas I have. I am going to leave you with the first real sign I had today, that Ronan really is not gone. I have heard from so many people, that after you lose a child, little signs that they are somewhere, close by, will appear. For the first time, this happened to me today. I was driving to meet Danielle for our Inferno Hike. I had been in my car for a few minutes, radio on, some random song playing that I didn’t like, but I was too deep into my head to even think about changing the station. All of a sudden, my radio went from 96.9 to some station I had never listened to. It just changed, all by itself. I thought to myself, well that was weird. 2 seconds later, Steve Nicks, “Landslide,” started playing. What the hell. I started bawling. This song makes me think of Ronan so much. I KNOW it was him today that did that. There is no other explanation. The timing of the song was perfect, the radio freaking station changed by itself. That was truly my first real sign that he is still here; he is still with me.
Here are the lyrics:
Took this love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don’t know, oh I don’t know
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older I’m getting older too
Yes I’m getting older too, so
I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I, I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too oh yes
I’m getting older too
So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down
Well well, the landslide will bring you down
:::::::::::::::: I mean could I have begged for a more amazing sign then this? No way. He let me know, he is still here, when I had almost given up in believing his little signs would come to me. They did today, when I least expected it. I bawled my eyes out and then Danielle and I kicked the Inferno Mountains ASS.
One other thing…. After I was questioning some things tonight, I just happen to go on Dr. Joanne’s Facebook page. She had posted this quote:
Live your way into the answers…
by Joanne Cacciatore on Thursday, August 25, 2011 at 8:36pm
I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them in this moment. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
I am living all of my questions now, in the way that feels truest to my heart. I am not going to question any of this; ever again. This is me, right or wrong, I don’t know. But this is me, the truest me, the way I am choosing to deal with this. By being an open book, because the bottom line is, it feels right in my heart. And as of now, the fact that I can actually feel my heart a little bit again; tells me to continue on this path. By sharing my pain with all of you, all while being the best mom and wife that I can be right now, in this moment. Feeling the pain of losing Ronan, is something I feel so deeply every second of the day. But I am functioning, I am being as present as I can be, I am injecting myself into making sure my twins know how much I love them. How strong of a family we are. How we will survive this but it is going to take a lot of work, honestly, talking and love. I am proud of this blog, my honestly, my supportive husband, and that is all that matters, now, today. Because today is all we have to live for. Tomorrow could be gone in a second. I am not going to worry about the future anymore, because it is not in my hands. What is in my hands is my truth, my pain, my love and it changes everyday. I am living for today and nothing else. I have learned, there are no guarantees in life. I am not going to live my life thinking about the future. I am going to live my life as each and everyday is a gift, even when you are so blinded by pain, that sometimes you cannot see straight. But at least I am being true to myself. As of now, that is all I have to give. Please don’t ask of anything more from me. If you love me, you will trust me, be honest with me, and respect everything I am putting out there. Even when it involves telling God to fuck off. If it offends you; I’m not apologizing. Get over it, put yourself in my shoes, and question if you would have the guts to say what I am willing to say out loud, because it is what I am feeling. You don’t have to agree, you can tell me you don’t agree, but as of now, this is me. This is how I feel and I’m not going to sugar coat and pretend like if there is really a God, that this is any way, shape or form, acceptable. Ronan should still be here. Life lessons should not have to come at the cost of losing a child.
Most of you did not know Ronan. Let me tell you something. Imagine, your whole life feeling a little lost and incomplete. Than this baby comes along, and he is the missing link to your entire family. Everyone feels that way. It was a known fact that Ronan completed our entire family. Imagine meeting yourself, the VERY best version of yourself that you could ever be, and it came in the form of your baby. He was the best version of Woody and I that we cold have ever hoped to be. He was perfection. Imagine finally feeling complete, and then having it all taken away from you. Most of you will hopefully never know what it is like to lose something that special. And if you can even think you can feel a small piece of our pain, you have NO idea how much it truly hurts. The fact that we are still here, still fighting to make it though this, together, is something I don’t think a lot of people could do. I am proud, I am lucky, I am awakened. I am going to do whatever it takes to change the way Childhood Cancer is ignored. I am not going to be silenced. Ronan lives inside of me and he will forever. I will now be Maya Badass Inca Thompson; Forever. I am going to be loud and not be ashamed. I owe this to Ronan. I am doing this, for him.
Love me or leave me. I embrace all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Because I know sometimes my writing is so ugly, that it makes me sick. But it is the truth and the truth about Childhood Cancer, deserves to be heard.
G’nite my loves. G’nite Ro. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe, snug as a bug in a rug.