Day: August 25, 2011

Ro baby. I feel like I have a lot to say tonight. Although my mind is tired, but restless. Bad combo. Today was a blur. I got by with A LOT of help from my friends. I have so many “life,” things to get caught up on, that it leaves my head spinning. Melissa and Marisa came over to help go through everything I needed to do. They went through mail, organized receipts, Melissa did my calendar and helped me make all the appointments that our family needs…. Dentist, Eye Doctor, Hearing Doctor, Check-up for me, counseling appts, booked me for the Sedona Grief Retreat, etc…… It was never-ending. Thank GOD for those two. I feel like we made a pretty good dent in getting things under control around here. Fernanda and Heather stopped by too. It felt good to have them here as I was pretty shaken up. Before anyone arrived, I pulled into our driveway and just started bawling, knowing that I was coming home to an empty house without you. Marisa arrived soon after and I opened the door as she was holding baby Max and just grabbed her and started crying. I told her I couldn’t believe this was my life now. A quiet, empty house. She got all teary, but I distracted her by grabbing her little love bug out of her arms and holding on to him, while kissing him everywhere. I got felt such a wave of happiness wash over me as I loved on her baby boy. He is so sweet and came right to me, no question asked. GOSH. Babies are so good for the soul. I’ve always been obsessed with them. Max healed my heart for the hour and a half that he was here. Aren’t babies just he most amazing things in the world??? So innocent, pure, and healing. Little Max will have my heart for the rest of my life. It may have a little to do with his amazing mama too. And Gracie Boo. Hearing Marisa talk today, about you and Gracie was so painful. She was your first girlfriend. I’ll never forget your first play date. You must have only been about 6 months old. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

After the girls left, I threw on my hiking shoes and headed out for The Inferno Hike. It was hot, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I ran up that mountain, screamed your name for a while, and than took an entire bottle of water and dumped it all over my body. It felt so good. I sat with you and nature for as long as I could withstand the heat. I threw my headphones back on and hauled ass back down the mountain. Every time I am there, I always leave about 10 of your F U Cancer bracelets on a random tree. Just hoping someone will find it, take one, be curious, and read your story. I like to leave pieces of you everywhere I go, so I often leave your bracelets in random places. It makes me feel like you are with me and you are with others. It makes me feel like you will help someone by making them aware of your story. It makes me feel good. I always wonder who finds those bracelets and if they are respectful and curious enough to Google your name to find out who you are. Or if they just look at them, ignore them and throw them on the ground. I would like to think not… but you never know. It is a chance I am willing to take.

I have something I’ve meant to tell you. A funny something. I had the chance to meet Tricia’s brother, Travis, a few weeks ago. He has been in the Peace Corps and has just left for Costa Rica to go and work on an Apple Farm. I tell you, those Tinney kids. I told Tricia I was so proud of her and all of her siblings. They are all doing amazing, wonderful things with their lives. Traveling, helping others, exploring, and finding out who they really want to be in life. I love that. When I was hanging out with Tricia and Travis, we were telling Travis about our “Gangster names.” Tricia is T-Lash, Quinn is Q-Dub, etc….. It’s just something silly we make up. Tricia told Travis I needed one. Out of nowhere, within seconds, he pulled out Inca. It was such a beautiful, crazy, funny name to me that it has totally stuck. I’ve decided that “Inka,” is going to be my bad-ass alter ego. Inka will be who I summon within me when I need to make something happen, but feel a little nervous or scared to go about it. Inca will make everything I want to happen, happen. Or she will at least try her hardest and not give up. Inca is going to give me the strength to kick ass when I feel like I cannot kick ass anymore. I love it. Thank you, Travis. Everyone should have an alter ego name. I’ve always longed for one, but never felt like anything was right. I am glad I was patient enough and your gift was given to me; not forced. It was organic and pure which I LOVE.

Just to give you an idea of the amazingness of Travis… I’m going to share with you some things he has written. I hope it’s o.k. with him. If not, Tricia said I could do it!! Love you, Travis and Tricia.

Had fun hanging out with you Liam, and Quinn. I know I would have loved the rockstar. “The past is always there, May it be beautiful”  Arti (This not a long e sound at the end, more just a really hard T.) Kiriloo (first i is long like eye, second one is short) Bulsoon. Arti Kiriloo Bulsoon. Be well and feel free to drop an email anytime.

Hey yo,

Well. Let me begin by saying that things are well, and I am feeling great. Things went perfectly as planned my travel days, and I arrived with little to no problems at my ultimate destination, which was a farm near a surfing town called Dominical. As you all probably know I was planning on volunteering at this farm for as long as possible. I had corresponded with the owner of the farm, Brian, since March. He advertised his farm as an Ashram where him and his wife live with a couple other members. There were to be a series of discussions concerning spiritual topics ranging from courage or acceptance to god itself. I arrived to the farm on Thursday. Brian picked me up from the surfing town, and I immediately was a little surprised that he did not seem friendlier. Not asking so much about my travel. We arrived at the farm, and it was awesome. It is literally in the jungle. He lives in a tiny cabin in the jungle, and has for 36 years. On the website I found him on he said that volunteers work as much as they like depending on how they are feeling, and true to that when I arrived he said that he wanted me to rest. However the first thing we did was make juice. I was exhausted from traveling 30 hours straight, but energized to be there so I made some juice with a smile on my face. The juice was really good. Made with all fruit on the farm. The inside of the hut was dim, no shortage of bugs and mosquitoes. The two other volunteers that were staying in the guest cabin came down for dinner. We had a nice salad, but the other volunteers were surprisingly tense, and I was really the only one trying to drive any conversation at dinner. Those 2 left, and it was just me and Brian. It gets dark around 630 and by this time it was about 730 and I was ready for bed. Brian started playing dissident minor chords on his electric piano that was directly under the shelf-ish bed I was to sleep on. I waited for a few minutes. He kept playing so I hopped onto the bed and waited a couple minutes. Then I figured he wasn’t going to stop so I just decided to lay down and give it a go. While I was laying there I began to get really scared and feel very xenophobic. I wanted to tell him I was going to leave the next day, come home, and never leave a small space that I would pick. It didn’t help that I was exhausted, but I was thinking that I didn’t really know this guy. I am in the jungle. There are really poisonous snakes on the property. Look up the Fer de lance. I had no phone, or internet, or even a pocket knife. Eventually he stopped playing and I managed to get to sleep.

  The next morning I felt great. I knew that I wouldn’t respect myself if I backed down to my fear, so I decided to just take it as it was and go for it. That day I was up at 5 maybe 5:30 at the latest. I told Brian I had a crazy dream, and that I am really interested in dreams. He replied that dreams are useless expressions about our confusion. I thought, that didn’t go well. I worked that day all day. until sundown. Of course I rested here and there, and we all ate lunch together. Saturday I woke up at 6:30, when the other volunteers were to come down for breakfast. We all ate breakfast and at some point brian said to me, “You do need to get up earlier.” I thought that it was strange, but I thought not problem. I was excited to get up earlier because it meant I got to go outside and chop down jungle with a machete, which is awesome to do. I was still feeling good and brave, and I had slept much better that night. I went out and worked all day. Until sunset. With occasional rests for a couple minutes, but the other volunteers went to sleep at noon and I worked until 6.

   I swear to you that I am not exaggerating any of this. In fact Brian said, ” I wish I had three volunteers like you.” There was another guest cabin under construction that I was going to start sleeping in because his “wife” Paty was coming for the weekend. On his profile he said that they were married and at least insinuated that the marriage had been for a long period of time. They in fact were not married, but planning to get married in December and just recently had there one year anniversary. So I set up my tent in the unfinished cabin that was basically just outside in the jungle. We had found a family of scorpions in there earlier when cleaning the cabin. Huge cockroaches the size of mice. It was basically outside. At some point that day I was walking down the steps to the cabin and the step broke. I told brian, and was very surpised how upset he was. Since he claimed to be a yogi, and anger is not really something that yogis like to dwell in. Anyhow he said it wasn’t my fault and that it was the other volunteers bouncing up and down the stairs, then scolded them later. That night I slept in the tent in the unfinished cabin. I woke up at 530 and did yoga with paty and the other volunteers. She was so nice and open, and really just a gentle and caring person. After yoga I began painting a roof high above the rocky ground under the very hot sun. (No one falls don’t worry). It was really hot and I was working very hard. I painted for about 3 and a half maybe four hours straight until I was very faint. I didn’t feel well and decided I had to go lay down. While walking across the roof I stepped on a sky light that was made out of some other material and cracked it making a hole about 5  inches long. I knew he was going to be pissed. I went down and told him, and he told me “guy you don’t watch where you are going, go away and think about your responsibility, get out now.” He said a couple other things that were along the same lines. So i showered up and decided to tell him I was confused about how angry he seemed to be. I would pay for the damage without a problem, but I wanted to say that I cam there to be his friend and learn from him and his farm. I really thought the whole talk was going to end in a hug. I got out of the shower and approached him. This is more or less exactly what was said. Probably less.

“Well what do you have? What did you come up with?”

“Well I think that…”

“Ya, what”

“Well.”

“Ya what, huh what.”

This was him interrupting me and mocking me. I told him I would like to say somethings and would appreciate it if he could listen. I started by saying that I really thought the farm was great and that he had done something special there. That is about as far as I got and he told me “you are a heavy footed loud mouth….and you eat too much! You need to leave”

and that was that. I was pretty upset, but just packed up my stuff, said goodbye to the other volunteers, who were absolutely astonished, and left.

Now I am in the surf town! Tomorrow I am going to start surf lessons. What a crazy few days. Love you guys write me whenever. I should have more regular internet now.

Travis is only 25, but he has done and seen so much in his life. I love that he is following his heart, which will eventually lead him to his destiny. I love that he is helping others while feeding his soul. I love his free spirit. Ronan would have loved him. I am so glad I finally got to meet one of the many Tinney siblings. They are all so unique.

LIttle one. This is all I can write tonight. I’m keeping your Daddy up and I need to be respectful of him and his sleep tonight. So much more to say, but he puts up with so much. I’ve got to try to simmer down, but I feel better having talked to you. Love you so much my “not spicy,” little monkey boy. Miss you every second of the day and I always hope you are safe. G’night my love.

xoxo

INFERNO HIKE. F U CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!