Day: August 23, 2011
Excuse the rambling novel tonight… it’s just the screaming voices in my head
Ronan. Today was real. I think. I honestly don’t know what is real and what is fake anymore, but here is how my “real day,” played out. Woke up after another restless night of sleep. Went through all the motions of the morning, eg: getting out of bed, showered, dressed, boys up, showered, breakfast made, water bottles filled, lunches packed, drove them to school, sent them off with the usual, “I love you so much. I’m so proud of you both, try your hardest, be kind, help others, have a wonderful day, see you at 3:15…. YES, I will be here to pick you up, please don’t worry.” FUCK. I’m exhausted already. I got into my car, to headed to my appointment with Sarah. Stopped at Starbucks drive thru to grab my breakfast of champions…. Non-Fat, Vanilla Latte, please. Pulled up to the window to pay for my order. The girl goes, “The car behind you has taken care of it.” I looked up; in disbelief. “What??” I replied. “No, no, um…. o.k….. but really??” Starbucks girl smiled, “Yup, it’s taken care of.” I was in awe. “Please tell her I said thank you.” I tried to see who it was, this sweet stranger of mine… but I didn’t want to be all creepy and stalker like. So, I drove off, and waved to the White Range Rover lady behind me. I don’t know if she knew who I was…. or if it was just somebody who felt like being nice today. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. It made me smile and think of you and just the kindness of people in general. It was a great start to my new normal of a day. Thank you Starbucks stranger for making me smile.
I went to my therapy appointment with Sarah. It was good today, as always. I love that I feel like she knows you so well. It brings me comfort that in your last few days, she took the time to come to The Ryan House to sit with me and I let her peek in at you. Or the little shell that was left of you. She loves you. And me. The fact, that she knows you really did exist, and I didn’t just make you up in my head; makes me feel less crazy. Many days, a lot of days; I think you weren’t real. I always knew you were too good to be true. I always knew you weren’t mine to keep forever. My mind still tries to trick me into thinking you did not exist; as protection mostly.
I left Sarah’s and went straight to Dr. Joanne’s office. FUCK. Her session was hard today. Hard as in she tries to guide me to places I don’t want to go to; ever. The retelling in detail about you and your sickness. The way I felt when I finally knew you were going to die. She digs deep, but she does it in a way that it makes me feel safe, yet vulnerable. She has a gift and I know it is going to help me. I cannot deny my pain, anger, jealously, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, and worthlessness now that you are gone. She knows all too well what that feels like which is why I am tying really hard not to hold back with her. It is a lot of work though and I left there today, feeling like I had just relived losing you all over again.
They say scars fade over time…. I don’t think so. I honestly think they just become deeper, but you learn how to live with them and transform them into just being a part of you. Some people choose to hide them, cover them up, and some people may even pretend they disappear. I know this is not true. If I could, I would take a Sharpie Pen and color in all of my scars in black. I would make them say things like, “Fuck you, my child died.” “Cancer sucks.” “Please stop smoking, it really offends me.” I would fill in my scars with all of my angry words, but I would also have them say beautiful things too like, “He was the best thing to have ever been mine.” “Please be kind.” “Please help others.” “Please know how lucky you are, to have healthy kids.” “Please never take a second or your life with them for granted.” I could go on and on with the things I would write all over my body. I would leave them there for the rest of my life so then I could be a walking reminder to people to stop being so fucking ignorant and making up problems. To stop getting caught up in the petty bullshit, gossip, caring what other people think. If you are lucky enough to get to tuck all your babies in bed at night, then life should be beautiful every SECOND of the day. Enough of the wasting energy on things that do not really matter. Learn to be free. Learn to appreciate. Learn to truly be who you are.
I now have to figure out how to live my life this way, without my Ro baby. To me, that is the saddest thing that could ever happen to a person. I now have to make something “good,” come out of Ronan’s death. It is so trite, but as I have said before; I don’t have a fucking choice. I have to learn to live again, the way he would have wanted me to. Which is with fearlessness, feistiness, happiness, honesty, love, laughter, as the free spirit that I have always been; all while breaking a lot of rules and refusing to give in when I really just want to curl up and die. I have to find a new purpose, meaning, and higher power to my life. I have an idea of what it is…. I just have to heal myself a little more before I can fully commit. Go Big or Go Home, right Ro Baby. I know you know.
I’m leaving you tonight in the realist way I know how. With my honesty. You may not like it; but I know deep down, you all appreciate it. Thank you, my lovelies. Thank you for not being scared of the insanity of my brain after having lost a child. Thank you for being brave enough to let go of your world for a little while, to be immersed in mine. Love you all.
Warning: These are real life conversations I’ve had with people in the past few days. I’m only using first name initials, to protect the innocence of those who I hold dearest to my heart. If you’re going to be offended, worried, judgmental….. stop reading. If you choose to continue to read; don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is my life. My honest hell of a life and living inside of my head is worse than any mental institution could ever be. Here goes…….
Conversation via text message 1) I am the green. S is the white.
Gotta love a girl for trying. That S of mine. She is an angel on this earth. Although her words brought me little comfort, I love what she believes in her heart. But I am still telling God to fuck off.
Conversation 2) vía real life: (N) “What are you doing?” (Me) “Thinking about all the ways I can kill myself.” (N) A lot of yelling on her end…. I can’t remember the words she said, so I just started crying. (Me) “Fuck. You asked what I was doing. That is what I’m doing. Do you want me to start lying to you? You know I’m not really going to kill myself, N, because I’m on mommy duty, so guess what…. I’m going to pick my kids up at school, love them, take them for a play date, do their homework with them, laugh with them, feed them, read with them, and do all the normal mommy things that normal mommies get to do, without knowing what it’s like to have lost a child.”
Conversation 3) vía real life: “What can I do to help you sleep?” (Me) “Blow my brains out.” “You know I would if I thought that was best for you. But you have Liam and Quinn to take care of, and you know that would ruin their lives. (Me) “I know.”
I was told by someone, whom I’m not naming, that watching me is like watching a bird who has just had one of its wings clipped. I am like the little bird, whom is trying so hard, with its one wing to fly…. but it just doesn’t know if it can or not. It just doesn’t know if it wants to, again. This person thinks I am stuck in between those two places. Not knowing if I want to fly again, or if I just want to give up and stop trying. It was one of the most painfully, beautiful things I’ve ever had said to me in my life; because it is so spot on. Thank you, my dear friend. Thank you for never sugar coating and for being such a hard ass with me, but in the most gentle way possible.
Ronan, my baby. I’m so tired, that I cannot even see straight. I have to try to get some sleep. Please visit me tonight, but in a nice, peaceful way. PLEASE. I am desperate for you and one of your smiles and winks. I miss your squeaky voice, so, so much. I love you to the moon and back, baby. I hope you are safe.
One last thing::::::: The MISS Foundation. I cannot say enough amazing things about it. If you are looking to donate to something, other than Ronan’s Foundation, please donate to them. I can honestly say I was in a deep, black hole before I started seeing Dr. Joanne. I’m still there, but I swear I can see a little glimmer of sunshine peeking through. If you know someone who has lost a child…. when the time is right, please help them get help. It is one of the many things saving my life. It is going to take a team of people; I KNOW this. Dr. Joanne is absolutely inspiring in every way. I am finally starting to come to a place where I can see that I cannot do this alone. Nobody can. As strong as I think I am, I am self-aware enough to know that I need help. Thanks peeps. Sweet dreams. Kiss your babies. As in, get out of your beds, off of your computers, and go into their rooms, and kiss them now. RIGHT NOW. I know you all know how lucky you are. But I also know how easy it is to forget that it is a privilege, NOT a right, to be a parent to beautiful, healthy kids.