Hell on Earth

Ronan. 3:15, I’m up. Wide awake. It’s now 3:45. I tried to go back to sleep. Didn’t work. I’m asleep on Liam’s top bunk bed. I fell asleep with Quinn up here. He is so cuddly. I think Liam is asleep with your daddy in our room. They were watching a movie tonight in there. Today was an o.k. day. Just o.k. I missed you a lot. Too much to do much of anything. So I didn’t. At one point, I saw Liam sitting outside on our porch swing, all by himself. I went out there to sit with him. He was sad and tried to hide his face as I saw the tears starting up. I asked him what was wrong. He told me he was just sad because he misses you. I put my arm around him and started to cry. I told him I was sorry. I told him that we tried everything to save you, but you were too sick. I told him I miss you too. Every second of the day. We talked about how boring the world is without you. There was nothing I could do in that moment to make him feel better. It broke my heart. The only thing that would make us better is for you to come back here. But we all know that is not happening.

The weekends are hard without you. On Friday, your daddy asked if I was excited for the weekend. I just looked at him and said, “No.” Why would I be? Excitement is something that I no longer feel for life. Life just is. As of now, it is empty and I am just thankful to pass the time. We had Kenny, Stacy and their kiddos over tonight for dinner. Right before they got here, I had Liam go out and get the mail. A big packet from Camelback Pediatrics came. I knew what it was, as I had Dr. Campbell to send it to me. It was a copy of your chart from their office. When I was there with your brothers the other day, as the two of us sat and cried about you, I asked her what they would do with your chart now. She said it was right there, still in with your brothers. I asked her to send me a copy so I could always have it. Tonight, as I opened it up my hands were shaking and I took a deep breath and flipped through it. I thought to myself…. there must be something in there, from when you were younger….. a sign that you had cancer. Nothing. A cough here and there, some red, gooey eyes a couple of times, you were exposed to strep. Nothing major. No abdominal pain, no pain in your joints, no discomfort walking or anything like that. I just don’t understand any of this. There was a letter to Dr. Eshun from the Dr. that did your radiology before you passed away. It said things like, “The patient appears skinny and has not eaten in 3 days, he is in a severe amount of pain……” Reading that, it was almost like I wasn’t even reading about you. This couldn’t possibly be about my healthy, perfect, baby boy. But it was. I winced out in pain from reading all of this as the thought of you in pain, is too much for me to handle. I remember though. Those last days where I think I rubbed your little leg for almost a week straight. The last few days, everywhere was hurting. I’m so sorry, Ronan. I’m so sorry for everything we tried to do to save you and it just wasn’t enough. I miss you so.

I’ve moved back into our room… clock is slowing ticking away. 4:45. I took Liam and walked him to the top bunk of his bed. “Thanks mom, I love you.” Words that are so sweet but also rip my heart out. Words that I know I’ll never hear from you again. I still cannot sleep and your daddy is so annoyed at me. He doesn’t get the whole not being able to sleep thing as he has no problems with sleep, whatsoever. He is so peaceful that I may roll over and punch him. His peacefulness is annoying me tonight. I want to be peaceful. I want to sleep without this Ambien. I want you back, Ro. So badly. I wonder if the whole not sleeping thing is something that happens to every mom that loses a child. I wonder if the dad’s are able to sleep fine. That would be interesting to find out.

My girlfriends from back home are walking in The Relay for Life tonight. I think they have been walking all evening and they won’t stop until tomorrow morning. They are doing it in Ronan’s honor. I wish I were there. They had purple tutu’s made and shirts that said, “Maya’s Mafia.” So cute. I am so appreciative of all of the love and support from back home. From everywhere. Thank you so much to all of you who worked so hard to make the event such a success. I just can’t believe we are doing it in his memory now, not his honor. That was hard for me to see. I think I may be sick.

Ro baby. Hi. That was from last night. UGH. I tried to be productive today. I really did. I got up, went out, ran some errands, and came home and hid in bed all day long. I didn’t get up again until we got ready to go over to your cousins for dinner. I only feel worse for having stayed in bed all day. It never makes me feel better but the thought of being out in the world, being productive, being present, was too much for me to deal with today. Your daddy woke up saying he had a nightmare last night. My response was, “How could your nightmare be any worse than our reality?” I know the logical answer to that, but it doesn’t seem to matter. It won’t make this pain any less.

I don’t know how you go on, existing in this world after losing a child. I guess it happens, because obviously people do it. And some even do it really well. I am going to try my best to find this out because I could easily see how this pain could take over your life and drown one in a darkness. It could happen very easily. I could see how one could just walk away from the life they are supposed to go back to living. The life of carpools, laughter, happy moms everywhere, cooking dinners, play dates, sunny skies, vacations, family game nights, and friends. It is so hard to be surrounded by happiness, everywhere, when you are constantly in pain and agony. It makes me want to run away and move to a place like, Port Moresby, which is known as Hell on Earth. It is a place for poor and hungry people, who sell their souls to the devil, who have nothing to give in exchange. Fine. That may be a little dramatic…. but existing in a world after losing a child, feels like Hell on Earth. And I don’t have to go all the way to New Guinea to find it.

I’m trying a new sleep medicine tonight. Restoril. I think Ambien was a bit too much for me. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. We shall see about this new one. I hate being on all of this shit. It is so not me. One day, I hope to go back to the way I was before this nightmare. A clean life without prescription meds. They scare me and I could see how a person could become addicted to them. It’s a slippery slope, my friends.

Alright, Ro. I’m going to try to get some rest. I miss you so much, little man. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo