Ronan. Hi baby. Last year, at this time we were waiting for you to go in for your surgery tomorrow to remove the mass that we found above your eye. I remember how mad you were. For 3 years, you lived a totally healthy life, and then suddenly, we are prepping you to get your head cut open. You didn’t understand any of it, nor should you have. We hardly understood it ourselves. I would give anything to go back to this night with you, last year. We would have been snuggled up in the hospital bed together. Now I am snuggled up in our bed at home with Quinn. It is so strange to not have you here in between us. I hate it. The more time passes by, the more I miss you. Nobody tells you that either. Time does not make everything easier; it makes it harder because you are getting further and further away from the last time you were with your loved one. The pain of missing you grows stronger and stronger, everyday Ronan. I wonder if you miss me just as much. You have to. I sometimes imagine you above me, trying to reach down to me with your little hands, but you can never quite get to me. The thought of this makes me sad. So very sad. And mad. Which is why I had to take today and turn it in to something beautiful. I am going to make it a yearly event on August 12. Ronan’s Random Acts of Kindness. I had so many people send me emails and comments about things they did. So sweet. Somebody at Whole Foods bought the persons groceries behind her. My friend, Janet, bought a pitcher of margaritas for the table behind them, Quinn helped a little boy clip up on his board today because he couldn’t reach it. There are thousands of stories out there like this today. I cannot thank you enough. It was because of all of you, and your acts of kindness in Ronan’s name, that I was able to get through today and even smile.
I left a gift card at the Starbucks Drive thru and had the barista use it on everyone who came through. I tried to leave the F U Cancer bracelets too, but they guy wouldn’t budge. Can’t blame a girl for trying:)I also had Woody stop by the store to buy some flowers for a random person in our neighborhood. We just picked a house on a whim and I went up and rang the doorbell. A man answered and I asked if his wife was home. I had the flowers in my hand and told him they were for her, in honor of my son who passed away from cancer. I could barely spit the words out because I was about to burst in tears. His wife came to the door and said she couldn’t believe it. She and her husband knew all about us and my blog. She said she had been wanting to write a card, but didn’t know what to say. They both told us that they too had lost a child; a daughter. How random that I decided on this house, and they too have lost a child. We chatted for awhile and I hugged her and told her I hope I made her smile on this day. I know it made me smile to do this for her. Our now new friends:)
Alright little man. I am tired tonight. Ready for this day to be over. Thank you for giving me this idea in the middle of the night. I know it was you. It was a total success and we are doing it every year for you.
I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe.
Thank you for all of you lovelies who helped make this possible. Maya’s Mafia has the BEST friends ever!!!! Thank you for helping me get through today. I am so glad I didn’t stay in bed!!
I don’t want to remember today, a year ago. I don’t want to be here today. I want to hide in my bed all day long. But I can’t. The fact of the matter is, I’m here and this is my life. An idea came to me in the middle of the night, when I was tossing and turning. I have a lot of anger. Obviously. A lot more than I would like to be feeling in my life. I will forever hate August 12, 2010. But what if we could take this awful date and turn it into something beautiful, for being so ugly. The name, Ronan’s Day of Kindness just came to me in the middle of the night and I envisioned thousands of people doing something nice for strangers, family, or friends today, in honor of Ro. Kind of like a pay it forward day. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Leave some flowers on your neighbors doorstep, buy a person in line behind you a Starbucks, go volunteer somewhere. I know this is last minute, but the only way I am going to get though the day is by the thought of people doing nice things and making others smile, all in the name of Ronan.
Then next year, we can take it to a whole different level and make it something that happens every year on this date. I know this would make Ronan smile and happy. I know it will help me get through today. I love you all so much, my faithful followers. If you could help me through today by doing something small like this, I would so appreciate it. I know in my heart that Ronan’s beauty can make this world a better place. The love that I have for my son is going to move mountains.
I love you all too. Thank you for all of your kindness, support and love. Have a lovely day and please hug your babies extra tight.