Day: August 2, 2011
You will always be my little Firework
Ronan. I’m home now. You were everywhere tonight. I felt you when I needed you most. I put on my brave face and went to the Sauce event; which turned out so amazing. I was expecting to feel sad, overwhelmed, and nervous. I didn’t feel that way at all. In a room full of mostly strangers, I actually felt really at home. Comfortable. Peaceful. Happy. So many people came out for the event. Thank you to each and every one of you. I wish I could have met you all. I tried my best to smile at the faces I didn’t know and make eye contact if I didn’t get the chance to talk to you. Talk about a room full of beautiful people everywhere.
Somebody said it must have been hard to be there tonight. I told her, surprisingly not…. that it actually felt o.k. It did. All of you strangers feel like family to me now. I know how much you all love a little boy whom most of you have never even met, which in turn makes my heart happy. Somebody else said to me that it must be hard to be around kids your same age, Ro. I replied that as much as you would think that would be true, it’s not. I find when I am around kids your age, I am happy. I just want to hold them and love them because I know deeper than I’ve ever known before, what a gift they are. The stabs of jealously that I thought would fill me, where nowhere to be found. I’ve never been a jealous person which is a big part of why it is easy for me to be so blissfully happy for all of you who have healthy kids. Because that is how life should be. Healthy, loved, and happy. Unfortunately, we were robbed of this life for you, Ro. Which is why I cannot just quietly turn away. I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to do a lot of somethings. I’ve got to get somebody’s attention. I have to start a revolution because these kids cannot continue to die this way. It is the cruelest thing in the world. I’ve said it before, but why isn’t anybody making a bigger deal of childhood cancer?? It’s as if nobody cares about our future, and I can guarantee if these kids were given a second chance at life, they would all do amazing things from it. It’s like we are throwing away these extra special gifts, without blinking an eye. People are either too scared, too unaware, think something else is more important, or just don’t care because it will never happen to them. It should be mandatory that every kid in high school spend some time in a cancer floor of a hospital. I’ll bet the reality of that world, would shake them to the core so much that it would change the paths of their lives for the better. When I was in high school, if I had been aware of childhood cancer, you can bet your ass that I would have done something. Even if it meant something as little as volunteering. But hey, that’s a start. Big things can come from that. Nobody is being educated on this and it is because of this, that the funding is so low and there are no cures. If everyone could just come together, mountains could be moved and maybe a cure for Neuroblastoma could be found in 10 years, not 20. Could you imagine all the children that could be saved? That could have another chance at this life that Ronan now has to miss out on? It’s so not right.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life now. My entire life was taking care of that baby. I feel as if I have no choice but to give Ronan’s Foundation everything I have. It’s the path that was chosen for me and I cannot just shy away from it. I want this. I want everything I do to be for Ronan and to help others. Baby steps first. I’ve got to get my twins ready to go back to school and while they are there, I will sit down and figure out what little things I can start with. I find such comfort knowing that I will not be alone in this journey. I am so thankful for the amount of support I have. I have to change the world and the way childhood cancer is treated. No half-assing this. It’s all or nothing.
My first step is going to be tomorrow night. The gracious bidder of the Katy Perry tickets, at Ronan’s Silent Auction, and the meet and greet with her beforehand, offered them to me. Thank you so much, Kati!!! I hesitated at first to take them…. such an amazing gift. But then I immediately thought about Ronan… and our song was, “Firework.” We would sing it all the time together. He loved it. I cry every time it comes on. I’m taking Tricia, Ronan’s Godmom. We have loved Katy Perry for the longest time. I remember driving the twins to a music class and Tricia called me to tell me about this Katy Perry chick, as she wasn’t well known at the time. She told me that Madonna was loving her and that I needed to check her out. I did. I loved her. It’s been a long time love affair:)
Tricia and I decided we were going to have some tee-shirts made for the concert. 2 for us and 1 for Katy. Ours will say, “Katy Perry <3’s Rockstar Ronan” on the front. On the back they just say, “F U CANCER.” We had one made for Katy that says, “I ❤ Rockstar Ronan.” and on the back, “F U CANCER.” I don’t want to scare off the poor girl, but I am going to tell her a bit about Ronan’s story, and I am going to tell her how childhood cancer needs to have a face, but nobody seems to want to step up to the plate. I’m going to ask her if she will. Then, I’m going to show her a picture of you, Ro. How can she possibly resist your beautiful face and eyes?? How could she possibly say no to your beautiful soul?? I hope she cannot. This is my plan of now….. who knows if I’ll even get that far. They may be really strict about what you can talk to her about, but I’m going to try my hardest… without being that creepy, stalker, fan. I’m not. I’m just a mom. A mom who lost her son to a horrific disease that gets no attention. I don’t think I’m asking too much….. just her pretty face to put with Childhood Cancer. If she wants to do more, of course that would be awesome. If she would take the time to read about you, Ro…. I know she would want to do anything and everything. We’ve got to carry on your rockstar legend. I’m not letting your rockstar light burn out, ever.
So, that is my story for tonight. I’m tired. So tired from my endless nights of not sleeping because I miss you so much. I miss you so much everything in my body hurts 24 hours a day. Even the tips of my toes, Ro. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams my love.
To everyone at Sauce for putting this on tonight…. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are an amazing company. We are so grateful for your support. To all of you who came out….. You have no idea how much strength you give me. Your support and love pushes me to get out of bed most mornings, to try harder, to be a better person, to want to work to find a somewhat happy existence again. You all make me want to change the world. Thank you for everything.