Day: June 27, 2011

Ronan. You should have been here today with us. I forced myself to have a better day today. Forced myself up out of bed, out into the delicious San Diego sunshine, out on to the beach; armed with my surfboard. I knew the only way I was going to get though this day today, was by getting my ass kicked in the ocean. That’s precisely what I did. I welcomed the angry ocean with open arms as I tried my best to get up on my board; only to miss the curl of the wave over and over again. To be ripped under the water where the salt water stung my eyes and I choked on the bitter taste of the sea. Happiness. Torture. Hurt. Pain. I felt it today out there and I wish I could say it quenched my thirst for what I am missing in life now. But it didn’t. Not even close. But I knew if I didn’t get out, and try to live….. well, that’s not going to be good for anyone. And as I’ve said before, this is not just about me. As much as I selfishly wish it were sometimes. There are other people involved. Other little people whom I have to take care of.

After I surfed for a while, Quinn came out to join me. I put him on my board and pushed him out past the waves. I carried him out as far as I could go and turned him around to wait for the right wave to come. He missed the first one, and toppled under the water. We tried again and this time, he got up easily and rode the wave all the way into the shore. Liam came out as well just to splash around. We played out in the ocean for a while until your daddy pointed out the dead Sting Ray on the shore. We decided to come in after that. I hope I never meet one of those guys in the ocean. They do not look like somebody I would like to be friends with.  After the beach, we went up to the pool and enjoyed the rest of the summer day.

Your daddy had to head back to AZ tonight for the rest of the week. We went out for dinner and dropped him off at the airport. We headed back to Coronado and decided to walk to the Hotel Del for ice cream. Your brothers seem happy. It’s strange to watch just the two of them interact now and how their relationship is changing. It’s as if they have to get to know each other all over again. You were such a big part of them. It’s almost as if you were such a strong force between them, as you had such a different relationships with both of them. Everything you brought into this world was unique and special and that includes the bond you had with your brothers. We all feel lost and awkward. It’s hard to sit back and watch all of this. It was hard for me to take your brothers for ice cream at The Del tonight. I know you know this. I know you can feel me because at my saddest point tonight, as the sun was setting on our way back from ice cream, I looked up and there was a little hummingbird. Flying right in front of us. Quinn and Liam both started laughing and chased it. It kept fluttering away, but only to turn right back to us again. It landed on a tree right in front of The Shores and it stood still on a branch as we came over to look at it. It stood still for a couple of minutes and Quinn kept insisting that I take a picture of it. I took one on my iphone for him. This little hummingbird didn’t move the entire time we watched it. We finally walked away, and I told the little hummingbird, “Bye Ronan.” Your brothers said, “Bye, Ro,” as well. It was a sweet moment that reminds me as lonely, lost, and scared as I feel without you; that I am never truly alone.

I spent the rest of the night playing with your brothers. I caught up on a couple of phone calls that were way overdue. This whole “hiding,” thing of mine that I like to do, is hard on my friendships. Not hard in the way that I worry about losing my friends; because the one’s that have stuck around are in it for the long haul. Forever. It’s hard in the respect that I just truly miss them and the simpleness that our friendships used to consist of. Nothing is simple anymore. I’m complex and any illusions about life being easy or fair, has been ruined for them. It must be hard to be on the other side of this and to kind of be sitting back on the sidelines; watching. Watching and waiting because you don’t want to overstep your boundaries. I am aware of my little angels surrounding me though. I know they are all still there, and giving me time to grieve. I am so thankful for that. When the time is right, I will see my friends again and all of their beautiful smiles that I miss so much. I am forever and eternally grateful and thankful for the love of my friends. I am a very lucky girl in regards to them.

We finished up our night, just the 3 of us by watching a movie together. Your daddy will not be back here all week. I’ve got to find some things to do to keep everyone entertained and happy. I’ve got to be a mom, to your brothers, like I used to be without the help of anyone else. I haven’t really done this since you were diagnosed almost a year ago. It’s going to be a challenge to say the least. The things that used to come so effortlessly to me, are now the most difficult. Being a mom. Being a wife. Just being Maya. Adios to that Maya. She no longer exists. I don’t know who I am without you. I hope to find my way back someday, but as of now, I am completely lost. At the end of the day, I am just happy that I am one day closer to being reunited with you. I miss you so much.

That’s all tonight my baby doll. I’ve given up on this trying to sleep without the help of my Ambien experiment as well. The pain of having to survive the nights of not sleeping, but instead lying in bed and feeling as if every part of me is burning with pain is not something I am capable of handling. Bring on the Ambien.

I love you. To the moon and back forever and ever. Sweet dreams, my love. I hope you are safe.

xoxo