The Saddest Hour

Ronan. The night is finally creeping in. Another day done without you here. The days still drag on and on without you, no matter how busy I keep myself. We all woke up this morning and I walked into town. Your brother, Liam, has swimmers ear so I had to pick up his prescription. When I returned back to the condo, your brothers were all ready to hit up the beach. We packed up our things and headed down to the beach. We took a big bag of your little Star Wars guys with us and decided that we would build them a fort for you. Liam was in charge of the “bad guys,” area and Quinn and I were in charge of the “good guys.” It was so hard for me to keep it together for your brothers while we did this today. You would have loved it so much. I took pictures for you so you could see how it turned out. We had fun doing this together in your honor today. Or as much fun as we could without you being here with us.

After the beach, we headed to the pool. It was really nice out today so we played in the pool and the hot tub for a couple of hours. Your brothers are missing you so much. They get so board with each other and without having you around to play with. My entertainment pales in comparison to the way you would have entertained them for hours. I did my best, but they were soon ready to come back up and they were tired from the sun. The rest of our day slowly went by and Mimi and Papa called to see if they could take your brothers to the movies. They both wanted to go and this was a good chance for me to have some quality time with your Daddy. Your brothers left with Mimi and Papa and your Daddy and I went out for our date. We sat at a little restaurant in Coronado for their Happy Hour. So much for that. Happy Hour should have been called¬†¬†the Saddest Hour because that’s what it turned into. I sat with your Daddy, and pretty much cried the entire dinner. We talked about you the whole time, went over again and again, what we could have done differently. I told your Daddy how much I worry about you and I can’t stop thinking about where you are. The whole time I kept thinking in my head, how I was your mommy and I couldn’t save you. I was supposed to protect you and I will always feel like I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe, baby. But there was nothing I could do and I’ll never understand how that wasn’t enough. How our love for each other wasn’t enough. Wasn’t anybody listening? Couldn’t they see how much we loved each other and deserved to be together for the rest of our lives? Who would be so cruel to take that away? The love we had for each other was so powerful I was sure it was going to save you. The love you had for me was the same….. something beyond this earth even, Ro. Where are you?!?!?!?! Why did you have to go?!?!?!?!? I will never stop questioning everything, Ro. I will beg for you to come back for the rest of my fucking life.

I didn’t eat much at dinner, but instead I sat and watched how sad your Daddy is too. At one point, the waitress came up to us while my tears were pouring. She quickly walked away. I wondered what she thought I was crying about. I am pretty sure she thought something like a failed marriage, an affair, one of us losing a job. I’ll bet you in a million years she would have never guessed my tears were for you. My tears were because our beautiful boy just died of cancer. Our reality is just too awful to be reality. I still can’t believe all of this and I swear I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

After dinner, we came back to our place but it was so nice out we decided to go on a walk. We walked to The Hotel Del and then down to the beach. We climbed up on some rocks together and looked at all the crabs crawling about. Your Daddy was looking out to the ocean and all of a sudden, a fin appeared. The next thing we knew we were watching a bunch of dolphins jump about. One of your little signs, baby?? I’ll take it, but it still doesn’t make me miss you any less. I grabbed your Daddy from behind and wrapped my arms around him as we stood for a long time together and watched them play about. It was peaceful and I wished so badly that we could just be that normal, happy, couple that we used to be. Back when you were here and we had nothing to be sad about. Now, we will be branded for life as the couple who lost a child. Sadness will always be a part of our togetherness. All innocence we once had will never be again and therefore, we as a couple will never be the same. Will we come out of this stronger? I don’t think we have a choice. We have to as we have too much to lose if we do not. But the sadness that now exists in our world hurts so much, Ro. Nights like tonight though are important to the both of us. Grieving about you, together is something I haven’t been ready to do yet but I can slowly feel myself coming around. I can’t do this all alone and I feel like I can heal better by letting my guard down a bit. As much as I want this wall up, keeping everyone out…. that isn’t going to do anyone any good and I really need to stop just thinking of myself as there are other people hurting just as badly as I am. Your Daddy being one of them. The bottom line is, he needs me and I need him. I need to be better about remembering that as it is very easy to get wrapped up in my own little world where nobody else exists except me and my pain for you. Sometimes I prefer it that way, but this is not healthy. I will try harder for you, baby. For our family.

After our date, we came back to our condo and I slipped out for my run. UGH. I was so not feeling it tonight but I pushed through my 6 miles at a sluggish pace of a 9 minute mile. What the heck is that?? I’ve been pretty consistent with my 8:23 minute mile. Tonight was brutal. At one point, I wanted to stop and walk but I heard you in my head so I refused to stop. Thanks for that extra push tonight when I needed it most. The rest of the evening was spent playing with your brothers and Daddy. We played PS3 together… something I don’t do very often but it ended up being pretty fun. We played Call of Duty: Black Ops. I was on a team with Quinn and we beat your Dad and Liam. There was a lot of laughing and I think your brothers were surprised at my mad shooting skills. Never underestimate the power of your mama… video games and all.

This is all for tonight my love. Until we meet again, hopefully in my dreams tonight. I love you, Ronan. Forever and Ever. Just you and me, baby. I hope you are safe.

xoxo