Fucking First Father’s Day without you

Ronan. First Father’s Day without you done and over with. We survived. Somehow, I pushed on and got through the day. We slept in a bit, got up and all decided to get ready and head out to our new favorite breakfast place called Urban Solace. I gave your Daddy his Father’s Day card and gift. The hardest part was writing out his card after Liam and Quinn had signed it and I wrote my little I love you to him. I signed it from the both of us and bawled while I wrote your name after mine. I gave your Daddy his gift and card and we took some time to just hug each other and cry. There were a lot of tears this morning which was good, because I needed to get them out before I could go on with the rest of the day.

Kasey and Laura packed up all of their stuff so they could leave after breakfast and off we went. This place we have discovered in an area called North Park in San Diego is breakfast heaven. They do a thing called a “Blunch,” which is their version of breakfast and lunch. OMG. The food is heaven and even I, who can’t muster up much of an appetite, still managed to eat a pretty good breakfast this morning. The food is too good to pass up. It’s the place where I talked of before where they have sugar cubes on the table and I could picture you throwing them across the table at your brothers. You were missed today, my darling. Father’s Day was so incomplete without you. We managed to enjoy our breakfast and soaked up our final hour with the Lunds before they headed back to Palm Desert. We were sad to part ways and made a promise to not wait so long to see each other again. I miss them already and I told Laura the place here was much too quiet without them. The quietness that I hate now. I remember how I used to crave it in my previous life. Now the quiet that surrounds us is just pure torture.

After our “blunch,” we came back to our condo and I took a little nap with Quinny. After we woke up, we hung around here for a bit and then walked over to Mimi and Papa’s for dinner. We sat around with them for about an hour and then your Daddy decided he wanted Frozen Yogurt. I was itching to get my run in and Liam just wanted to stay with Mimi and Papa. Your Daddy and Quinn walked into town to get their yogurt fix and I headed out for my run. It was a fast 6 miles tonight. It’s my only little piece of heaven now. Running seems to be the only way I can get out all of my feelings, anger, sadness, and emotions. I think about you and make you push me to run faster and harder. It feels good to me which is saying a lot because as of now, nothing really feels good. Out of all of this I’m learning how important physical activity is to me. It has always been a big part of my life, but now it’s a little out of control. I had a time in my life where it was an obsession of mine and I can feel it starting to come back again. On the days that I don’t run or surf, I sit and obsess about it. It seems to be my only release. As I’ve said before, it’s such a different kind of pain that I feel all day everyday now. The pain of being physical and pushing myself is a vacation from the kind of pain that now controls my life.

After my run, I went and picked up Liam from Mimi and Papa’s. I said that we should go for a late night swim and hot tub. We grabbed your Daddy and Quinn and headed to the pool. It was some nice family time and a good way to end the night. You would have loved it. I missed you so much. I thought about how crazy you would have been down there with us and how I would have had to bundle you up after we were done and carry you up to our place, put on your cozy pajamas and then, I would have cuddled up to you in bed and watched you fall asleep. For something so simple, the thought of doing this with you sounds like the best thing in the world. I love you so much, Ronan. I’m going to end this with you tonight before I get too sad. I still worry about you like you were living among us. I worry about you as much as I worry about Liam and Quinn. I will worry about you for the rest of my life. G’nite my little man. Another Fucking First down. I think this is it for a while. Although, 4th of July is coming up. UGH. Forgot about that one. FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fourth of July without you. This is getting ridiculous. I may have to be fully sedated for that day. Thank God I’ll have your Nana and New York Miss Macy here to help me though it. I love you to the moon and back, baby.

Dearest Daddy Woo, this is for you.

I’m sorry for your first Father’s Day without Ronan. I’m sorry that he is gone. I’m sorry that you hurt. But I am thankful too. Thankful for your strength, thankful for your heart, your undying love for us, thankful that you are such an amazing man that you are able to hold us all together. You are the most amazing man, attorney, father, husband, and the love of my life. I truly think you are the most amazing man that was put on this earth and everyday,  feel so lucky to wake  up beside you and so proud and honored to be your wife. Thank you for being the truest man alive, for being my equal in life, for loving me at my worst. Ronan was so lucky to have you as his Daddy and he loves you so much. I promise, someday, there will be less tears and more happiness. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You are such a good man; the last man that deserved to go through something like this. I am so proud of you, so thankful that at 21, I knew it was you I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve never doubted that and I never will. I love you, Woo. Thank you for being my everything and refusing to let me go even when I push and push and push. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life, as well as our beautiful boys. I love you.

Ending this tonight with something one of my new friends sent me all the way from the UK. Thanks Michelle.

xoxo

I lost my child today,
People came to weep
And cry as I just sat
And stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find
Words to say to try
And make the pain
Go away. I walked the
Floor in disbelief.
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went
Away. Some still call and
Some still stay. I wait to
Wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real, —
I want to scream.
Yet Everything is locked
Inside, god, help me
I want to cry.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came,
Have gone. I sit and
Struggle all day long, to
Bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just
Question, why? Why does
This mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same
Old song. Good heavens,
It has been so long,
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on
For me. The numbness, it has
Disappeared, my eyes have
Now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave
This place”. Yet i am trapped.
Right here in time, the songs,
The same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child…..today.

This about sums it up. Whoever wrote this put this in to words, perfectly.

G’nite to all the lucky Father’s out there today. I hope you had a wonderful day basking in the glow of your beautiful children. Sweet dreams all.