Little seal

Ronan. Your birthday. Daddy’s birthday. Liam and Quinn’s Birthday. Next up…. Father’s Day. Tomorrow. It’s hard enough having you gone, but having these “celebrations,” without you is unbearable. Tomorrow, I will somehow manage to get myself out of bed, somehow manage to go on about the day, somehow I will let your daddy know how much you love him. I will love him for you tomorrow. I can’t believe he has to be without you, so soon on fucking Father’s Day. No.No.No.No.No. This still can’t be true. I’ve managed to get through these days without you, but I do not want tomorrow to come. I wish we could all sleep right through it and wake up on Monday. Can’t we just skip over Father’s Day tomorrow?? I’m tired of these celebrations so soon after having you gone. Talk about ripping a band-aid off of an open wound. It’s all happening way too soon. I’m so sorry for your daddy. I’m so sorry that you can’t be with us tomorrow. I would give anything to change this, Ro. I know you know that.

We spent today at the pool and the beach with Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and Baby Chase. It was a gorgeous day out. I went surfing for a couple of hours. The Coronado beach was full of seaweed today. I was literally paddling my board out to get past the waves and my hands were full of seaweed after each stroke that I took. I didn’t mind though; it was so gross and unlike anything I have ever experienced before that it made me laugh. The waves were small today but it was good for me as I am still learning how to get the hang of this whole surfing thing. I stood up a lot which also made me smile. After I had been out for about an hour, I came back in to warm up. As I was laying on my towel, I heard some guys in the group of people next to me talking about how they were out boogie boarding and a little seal was out there with them. I, of course, thought of you. I wished I had seen this little seal today but just hearing them talk about it made me smile and cry all at the same time. You are my little seal. Your name always fit you so perfectly and you always reminded me of one with your playful ways. Even more so after you got cancer with your beautifully bald head and enormous seal eyes. Was that you today, watching over me without me even knowing you were so close by? I think it was. Thanks for keeping me safe. Next time, I’ll look for you.

After our beachy day, Laura and I ran some errands and your daddy and Kasey got the food ready to grill down by the pool. They cooked up a feast and we spent the evening eating and watching the kids run around and play. Liam and Quinn are so good with the little one’s. They were both so meant to be big brothers. I am so sad that they don’t have that anymore. They were always so good to you and loved you so much. My heart breaks for them almost more than it does mine. Watching them these past few days with Cameron and Chase has been beautiful and sad. They were meant to be big brothers in life. They were meant to be your big brothers. I’ll never understand this, Ro. Never. I’ll never understand why you had to be taken away from us. Such a cruel, cruel reality.

How am I going to get through tomorrow? How am I going to be strong enough to get your daddy through it? I’m about ready to start banning all holidays from now on except Halloween, which was your favorite. If I had my way from now on we’d only celebrate Halloween, and Birthdays. Everything else seems stupid and pointless. But so does everything without you. I’m sorry I’m being such a Debbie Downer tonight. My heart hurts and I don’t know what to do or how this is ever going to get better. I just miss you so very much. I’m going to go now, Ro. I’m too sad to write anymore tonight. I love you to the moon and back baby. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Chase and Quinn. Look how happy Quinn looks. He loved being your big brother so much, Ro.

10 responses to “Little seal”

js

June 19, 2011 at 1:32 am

Maya, so so very sorry for your pain. I’ve lost children, and it’s my personal opinion that healing doesn’t truly begin until you cycle through the first year – all the birthdays, holidays, and other “fucking firsts.” Then there’s the horror of that first anniversary of the day you lost your child (or any loved one) – and once you survive that day & all the pain it brings, you can kind of catch your breath again for the first time and start to look forward more easily. My opinion only, as I said. I hope something amazing & unexpected will happen for Woody on this day, something that will help you all get through it.

On a related note, Halloween is the only holiday I can stand! It was always my & my kids’ favorite. I refused to celebrate anything else after losing them. So one miserable birthday of mine, someone amazing & special to me surprised me with a small party – not a birthday party, but a Halloween party in the summer! She brought a cake decorated with pumpkins, orange balloons, Halloween dishes, a plastic jack-o-lantern full of miniature candy (as if we’d been trick or treating), a Halloween mix of music she made, and some classic Halloween cartoons & movies to watch! It was the first time I had real fun in ages. Now we have a tradition of doing this on birthdays & other holidays that I otherwise would be ignoring, & it truly feels as if I’m honoring my babies in this way – with Halloween several times a year! I know they’d love it. Maybe you & your fam (especially the twins) might get a kick out of an impromptu Halloween party too? Ronan might get a kick out of watching you guys do something silly & fun like that to honor him too – just a friendly thought! Only you know what’s right for your fam. My own dad is in the hospital for this Father’s Day with serious health problems, as if holidays weren’t hard enough. I’m really worried about him. But best wishes to you & yours for today & every day.

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Laura

June 19, 2011 at 7:54 am

Happy Father’s Day to Woody, one of the best father I have witnessed besides my own cute husband. Woody has shown everybody the strength and wisdom of such a great and caring father. Your boys are all blessed to have such strong beautiful and loving parents. I know today is hard, but you will make it through the day and hopefully with a couple of smiles. Know that your little seal is out there always watching over you all. All of our love always to your entire family. Give Papa a big hug also, it was by his example tha Woody learned how to be such a fabulous man. Be proud your boys have such great examples to learn from on how to be a great man and father. So proud of your every day progress, you are amazing.

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Sara

June 19, 2011 at 8:08 am

You inspire me everyday…..the fact you get out of bed is amazing to me. You have changed me so much..I no longer get mad at stupid little things, I don’t complain hardly ever…knowing things could always be worse. Ive always been an amazing mommy, but now, I see what’s really important. You really are powerful. Thank you.

I still go back to that post and look at the little seal on your moms foot…that was so touching to me….as I really feel it was Ronan. I wish so badly you had him back. I can’t even grasp what you are feeling. I woke up from a bad dream the other night and in my dream, my four year old was gone. It was such an awful feeling and it took me a minute to realize it was a dream. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I know it was because I’m always thinking of you and Ronan.

I hope you get through today with lots of good memories of Ronan… I hope you see a lot of beautiful signs today that he is with you. I hope you have an O.K. Day.

Thank you for letting me cry for you…I just wish it took some of your pain away.

Love, Sara

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Jaime Harris

June 19, 2011 at 8:18 am

So sorry you’re struggling Maya, it is so sad and I am praying for you. God bless Woody today on Father’s day and the time with your twins. Keeping you all in my prayers…

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Glenda

June 19, 2011 at 10:04 am

Maya, hope you were able to have sweet dreams with Rockstar Ro! Happy Father’s Day to Woody. Enjoy today. The sun. The beach. The waves. Enjoy your time with Woody, Liam and Quinn. Rockstar Ro is right there with all of you. XO

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Rita Dickinson

June 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

Wishing Woody a wonderful Father’s Day.

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AB

June 19, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Maya,
Have you heard of Terry Fox? He was a young Canadian who passed away at the age of 22 from cancer, while trying to run across Canada back in 1980. At that time, cancer was still the big “c” word; not talked about, shameful. Terry did a lot to raise awareness and put a human face on this terrible disease.
His mom, Betty, just passed away this past week (30+ years after her son died). In that 30 years, Betty carried on her son’s legacy, and, with lots of support, managed to raise over $500Million for cancer awareness and research. ($500,000,000! Can you imagine?!)

I think that you and Ronan could have the same impact on childhood cancer. You are an incredibly articulate and strong woman, and already have the attention of thousands. You can do big things.

You can google Terry Fox and find lots of info. Here an article I read this week that made me think to write to you:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/british-columbia/betty-fox-cancer-advocacy-champion-and-mother-of-terry-fox-dies/article2065487/page1/

Terry Fox is a true Canadian hero. His mom made sure that he was not forgotten, and that his fight carried on.
I have no doubt that you can do the same.

My best wishes to you and your entire family.

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kim

June 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

you’re so right maya, it is a cruel cruel world. why ronan? why your family? why you? i’m sure you will be asking yourself those questions for the rest of your life. gosh, i wish there was a good answer, but there isn’t. and as if that weren’t enough you have mother’s day, ronan’s bday, the twins bday, and fathers day bam one right after another. it’s like being kicked in the crotch when you’re already down or dumping a giant thing of salt in a wound. so unfair! so undeserved! you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. i say that in every comment i post and its true. you and ro have left a BIG impression on my heart!
i hope you see that silly little seal next time you’re out catching some waves! and by the way, props to you for going out there and conquering your fear of surfing! hope you’re loving it so far! extra love to you and your family on this freakin day. xoxo

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Asha

June 19, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Dearest Maya,
I was walking through Target and saw a book that caught my eye. Every time I go in there I think of you, and the stories you would tell about your trips there with Ronan. The book that was on the shelf was “Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back”. The story is of a true story of a 4 year old boy (son of a pastor) who during an emergency surgery who saw heaven, and met his miscarried sister, and other relatives. He also was able to describe things that his family was doing during his surgery, things he wouldn’t have been able to know. I have not read the book, but maybe it will give insight and hope for your connection to Ronan right now. I hope to pick it up soon and read it, will let you know if it’s any good.
Take care and keep keeping on.

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MK

June 21, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Sweet Maya – My daughter died 3 days before Father’s Day many moons ago and she became terminally ill 4 days before Mother’s Day earlier that year. Both of those holidays sucked for me for a long time and I know you are still feeling so much pain. I think of you every day and your beautiful family. ❤

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