Sunday, bloody Sunday

Ronan. Sunday has always been my least favorite day. Sundays to me are depressing, sad, and I’ve never liked them. Why should today be any different? Let’s start with the fact that I didn’t fall asleep until 6:30 a.m. I had an awful night last night of worrying about you, about life, and I couldn’t get myself to wind down. I ended up popping an Ambien at 5:30 a.m. I was being stubborn because all I wanted last night was to fall into a blissful, non medicated sleep, and dream of you. Instead, I fought off the demons that now live in my head until I could take no more. Ambien induced sleep soon came and as I was halfway between being awake and sleep, I was holding my phone looking at pictures of you. I remember falling asleep and I was touching the screen on my phone with a picture of you smiling. I swear the picture came alive and you were moving, laughing, and smiling at me. I played with your face on the screen of my phone until I finally went into my coma. I don’t remember dreaming of you at all, but I played with you before I drifted off for the next five hours. When I finally woke up, I told your daddy that we should get out and go grab a late breakfast somewhere. We headed off to some restaurant a lady on the airplane had told him about. I don’t even know where it was, except we had to leave the Island of Coronado to get there. It was a really cute restaurant, and I sat on the patio with your daddy and brothers. We all ordered breakfast and I was just sitting there, looking at home handsome your brother, Liam is. I stared at him for a few minutes and then the crying started. I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring, your daddy just looked at me and brushed them away, and I put back on my sunglasses. There was a table of people right next to us. I nicknamed them “The pretty people,” in my head. They must have been in their 30’s and they were celebrating a birthday. Their table was full of so much happiness, laugher and love. I used to know what it felt like to sit at a table like that. Not to have a care in the world and everything was so carefree and pure. Now, the table I sit at is full of tears and sadness with a reality that I never wanted, but will always be mine. I will wear these scars for the rest of my life and they will never fade, because you are missing. Because you didn’t get to be a breakfast with us today, nor will you ever be again. I pictured you with us though. You would have loved the gooey cinnamon roll Quinn and Liam had. You would have gotten the frosting everywhere and probably wiped it all over Quinn. You would have taken the pure sugar chunks they had sitting out to sweeten the tea with and chucked them across the table at one of your brothers. I would have done my best “Ronan Sean Thompson! Use your manners!” to you as I tried to scold you but I would have ended up in a fit of giggles. Your naughty ways were always my weakness. Your carefree spirit, freed my soul.

I was writing last night to Mr. Sparkly Eyes and my exact words to him were, “Ronan completed everything in my life. Everything. After I had him, I finally for the first time in my life felt complete, whole, and perfect. He tied our whole family together in a big, pretty bow.  Now what? What do you do after that is gone? Survive I guess. Float, so you don’t sink. Swim, so you don’t drown. Go on. Move forward. Continue to fight. Fight to stay alive, to get out of bed, for that glimmer of happiness that I sometimes get to feel during the day.” Those were my words last night and you know it’s my truth. I’m fighting baby. I’m fighting every second of the day to hold on to you, to me, to your brothers, to your daddy. I won’t let go no matter how much I want to give up. I won’t let you down.

After our breakfast of tears, we explored the streets a little. Walking down the sidewalk, did you see the 4 of us? I know you did. We were all walking down the sidewalk, holding hands. All of us, linked together. I turned around to find you, expecting you to be running behind us. When I realized you weren’t there, I had to let go of your daddy’s hand. I couldn’t  hold on without you. The tears burned my eyes, but the pain in my heart was worse. Everyday seems to be getting harder and harder. I did forget to tell you about something so silly that happened last night though. Something that made me happy. After the crazy ocean swimming night I had with your brothers, we all went to the hot tub. When we returned back to the condo, Quinn realized he had forgotten his flip-flops down by the pool. I took his hand and told him we could walk back to the pool to get them. We got to the pool, but it was after hours so my card that lets us in, wouldn’t work. Quinn was devastated but I tried to tell him we would come down in the morning to get them and it was no big deal. His eyes got all teary as you know what a little worry wart he is and he was upset that they would be gone in the morning. I told him there was nothing I could do, but the look on his face  told me I had no choice to somehow get into the pool and rescue his darn flip-flops. So you know what I did?? I looked around to see if there was any way I could scale the concrete wall that surrounds the pool. I told Quinn to hold my things and I somehow managed to hoist myself up and over the wall, and I landed on the other side where his flip-flops were waiting for me. You should have seen the smile on your brothers face. I smiled at that and the thought of you and how I knew you were watching me, “break the rules,” as we used to love to do. Quinn told me that I was the best mom ever and now he understands why I like to run all the time and why it’s important to me. He said it’s so I can do things like that and he bets no other mom would have done something “so cool.” It made me giggle. He’s been talking about it non-stop to me since it happened last night. Sweet boy. The smile on his face was priceless. It made my night.

I ended tonight with my late night run and a movie night on the couch with your daddy and brothers. I’m going to say goodnight now baby. My most favorite movie in the world is on, “Lost in Translation.” I’m going to try to unwind while watching it in hopes for some sleep. It’s a movie I will never get tired of, no matter how many times I see it. It’s a good way to end just another painfully hard day. I miss you so much. I hope to see you soon. Sweet dreams, my blue eyed boy. I love you.

xoxo

 

You. Simple, beautiful you.

Started this Friday, June 10th…. didn’t finish due to crashing out.

Ronan. I made it through today. By the skin of my teeth. We all woke up late and your brothers were excited for their day. Your daddy and I gave them their presents. Quinn got his first skateboard, which he is so excited about. Liam got some video games, some new Nikes, and a new basketball. All your daddy’s doing as I didn’t buy one present this year. It’s usually all me who goes crazy on them. This year, thankfully, your daddy handled everything. After they opened their gifts, I snuck out of the room and went and let myself cry about missing you for a few minutes. After my cry, I pulled it together and we all got ready and headed out to grab some lunch. We went to a BBQ place on the island and I had forgotten that I had been there before, a couple of years ago, with you. The memory was almost too much to handle. After lunch, we headed to the grocery store and picked up food and the birthday cake for your brothers. Your daddy bought a ton of fish, chicken, and veggies to grill for our pool party. After we returned from the store, your daddy prepped all the food for our BBQ by the pool and I took Liam and Quinn down to play with your cousins at the beach. They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening running, swimming, and playing.

We grilled down at the pool with your Mimi, Papa, Larry, Joan, Tiffany, Chris, Brandon, Janette and all the kiddos. It was freezing out tonight but none of the kids seemed to notice. All of the adults were frozen. Your daddy cooked up all the food while I sat over by the hot tub to keep an eye on everyone. At one point, I was missing you so much and I looked out into the ocean. Guess what appeared?? Two dolphins. I watched them for a long time and Tiffany came over and I pointed them out to her. She smiled and said it was a sign. It was indeed. I haven’t seen dolphins here yet except for tonight. Watching them I was filled with peace for a few minutes. It was just what I needed as I had a really hard day just trying to breathe today.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of laughter and love. Thank god for family and friends. We would have never gotten through today without them. Your brothers are going to be sad as your cousins return back to AZ tomorrow. They have so enjoyed being with them. Hopefully, they will find some new playmates to fill their days with the laugher and love that they so need now. It’s hard for me to give them all the playfulness that used to come so easily to me. I am trying my best, but everything is just so hard. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. I somehow manage to do it, but it takes so much effort and energy.

After we finally got all the kids out of the pool, it was after 9 p.m. We all came back up to our place for a little downtime before your cousins went home to get to bed. I was pretty restless and although it was late, I headed out and went for my run around 10 p.m. Our friends were still at our place and as I was getting ready to head out, I heard a piece of the conversation that was going on. Something about a mom. A mom who is so lucky to get to be a mom to all the kids she has. A mom who is lucky to have heathy kids. A mom who has a nice life. But this mom tends to take this for granted. This mom tends to not make the best choices. This mom likes to drop her kids off at school and come home and pass out on the couch after drinking during the day. Something inside me snapped after hearing this story. I looked at everyone in the room, and called this mom a “Stupid bitch,” and said something else that was not very nice. I don’t even know this mom, but at that moment, something took over my actions, my words, and I could not control what came out of my mouth. I ran out of our condo, tears steaming down my face, and I continued to cry for 2 miles of my run. I know what I said was not nice at all, but I don’t care. All I could think about was how lucky this mom was and she doesn’t even know it. I would give my right arm to be able to have you here, to have never have gotten sick. Hearing stories of mom’s who have all of this, but take it for granted, makes me crazy. CRAZY. Physically sick. I was overcome with such anger, jealousy, rage, bitterness, and sadness during my run. You know why?? Because I deserved you. I deserved to have you for the rest of my life. I was a good mom. Not just a good mom. But a really, really, good mom to you. I never took a second for granted. And now, I don’t get to have you anymore and there is nothing more fucked up on this planet than that.

June 11th…….

Ronan. I had to stop that post after that last night because I got myself all worked up. I’m sorry. I miss you so much. I know I tell you this all the time. I know you feel this. I still am waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I don’t even know what the hell is going on anymore. What even happened today? My mind is still in a constant fog. I think we did the usual things. We got up to say goodbye to your cousins and we were all sad to see them go. We came back to our condo, I made breakfast for everyone and cried the entire time that I was cooking. I laid back down for a nap. I got up and ran into town for a bit. I met your brothers and daddy at Mimi and Papa’s place to watch the ASU baseball game. I tried to concentrate on just being there and in the moment. All I could focus on was how different things would have been if you had been there. I pictured you running around, playing with your guys. Nothing would have been calm and quiet while we all tried to watch the game. You would have been the center of attention like you always were. I hated today and not having you with us. After the game, we had Brandon, Janette, and Cameron over again. My friend, Katie and her husband came over as well. Katie gave me a beautiful necklace she had made for me with your picture on it. I bawled when she gave it to me. It is beautiful and was so thoughtful of her to do.

It was around 9:00 p.m. and I hadn’t gone for my run yet. I was obsessing about it and somehow before I knew it, I ended up down at the beach with Katie, Liam, Quinn, and Cameron. I ran a really fast couple of miles and joined everyone else in the ocean for a nighttime swim. Thanks, K for hijacking my run tonight:). We had a blast out in the ocean, with all 3 boys, swimming in the dark. We went to the hot tub and swimming pool after. It was time I really needed to have with Liam and Quinn. I soaked up just being with them, and enjoying them. It was totally worth cutting a few miles out of  my run for.

It’s now 1 a.m. and I’m still restless. I’m hearing my mother hen, Stacy, in my head telling me that I shouldn’t have had that Coke to drink at 10:30 at night, tonight. Yeah, Yeah, Stacy…. I know. My Coca Cola addiction. My pretty much one and only vice. Everyone is asleep now. Everyone except me. I need to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep, but I hate that when I go to sleep all the thoughts that creep in and take over. I try to think about you and all of our happy times. But I mostly just cry and with I didn’t have to wake up in the morning without you. I wish I could stay asleep forever and just dream about you. I’m sad tonight. I am missing you extra much tonight, my beautiful boy. I hope to see you in my dreams. I’m trying, Ronan. I hope you know how I am trying so hard to go on. But I will never be the person that I was before losing you. And I liked that person so much. I don’t even know who I am anymore and I don’t know who I am supposed to be. All of these unknowns, keep me restless, scared, and exhausted. All I wanted in my life was simple. This is far from simple now. Simple will never exist again. Simple was so easy, so pure, so innocent. Simple was the 5 of us. Simple was bliss.

I love you to the moon and back my little monkey. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.