I need you, I want you, I miss you




Ronan. I made it though another day without you. I’m not sure how. It was an o.k. day. A quiet day. I hate the quiet. It’s eerie, it’s sad, and it’s not how our life is supposed to be. Quinn and I walked to Starbucks this morning and held hands. We talked about you. We stopped and I bought him a boogie board at one of the surf shops. It’s orange, his favorite color. He is so excited about it. He told me thank you about ten times. That made me smile. After we returned from our little morning out, your daddy took Liam and Quinn over to the Rec Center to play basketball. I killed a couple of hours by cleaning and doing laundry. I wrote a letter and talked to Fernanda for a bit. It was a new normal, weird, and boring day. The kind of days that I will never get used to and never embrace. I liked all the non stop chaos that came with you. You made everyday so fun and different. I never knew what to expect, but I was always up for the challenge. Your daddy woke up this morning to Liam crying. He said he was crying because he really misses you. He needs to mourn you and all we can do is be here to help him. To tell him how his feelings are normal and he should be crying over the fact that you are gone. But he also needs to know that we are still here and we will never forget you. You will always be a part of our family, sweet baby boy.

I’m not sure where the rest of the day went. We all hung out together, I made lunch for ¬†everyone. It was a cloudy day here so we pretty much just stayed inside. We went down to have a BBQ with your family and friends who are here. I sat on the beach with Jennifer and Katie for a while. We talked about you and your last days here. I talked without crying and somehow managed to make your story beautiful for as painful as it is. Even in your death, your beauty just shines thorough. You are so amazing. We all sat and had dinner outside by the pool. I couldn’t eat tonight. The no appetite thing seems to come and go. After dinner, we went back to our place. Your brothers had Jake and Carter come over to play a little PS3 NBA game. I snuck out for my nightly run. I ran on the beach and in the middle of my run I tripped on something and flew in the air. I had sand all in my mouth, in my hair, eyes…. everywhere. I just got up and laughed it off. Don’t worry, it’s just the world trying to knock me down again. I brushed it off, thought of you and continued my run. It was a fast run as I only put in about 5 miles but every part of my body hurt. It felt good. After I finished, I stripped down and jumped in the ocean for you again. My nightly swim is becoming a ritual. Those 7 years of swimming lessons sure have paid off. Thanks, Dad. Tonight, as I was swimming in the ocean, I cared about nothing. And I have so much to care about but tonight for the 20 minutes that I was in the water, nothing mattered. You are gone and with that comes a reality that I am not ready to face or accept.

So today, was a hard day for me. Everything reminds me of you. While I was with Quinn, we stopped at a candy store. They had toy pistols hanging on the wall. I started to cry over wanting to buy one for you, because I know how much you loved your toy guns. I almost bought it just to keep it with me in hopes that you will return. But I didn’t. Because I cannot live unrealistically¬†forever, Ronan. I have to accept the fact that I will never be able to buy you a toy gun again. I will never get to watch you run around and shoot the bad guys like we spent so many hours doing together. You always made me be the bad guy. Sometimes, you let me be your partner. I liked that best. Being your partner in crime will always be one of my greatest accomplishments in life.

I’m tired tonight, Ro. Tired of life, tired of missing you so badly, tired of all this sadness. I will try to sleep tonight and wait for you to come and visit me. I need more than anything to see your little face. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are somewhere safe and happy. G’nite my beautiful boy. Sweet dreams.