Barley Breathing

Ronan. Everything with you ended too quickly. I thought we would have so much time left together. We had so many plans to fight so long and so hard for you; until we got you better. We had plans for your brothers to spend the summer in NYC with us while we went through your treatments. I’ll never fully grasp how quickly things spiraled out of control. How quickly the tides turned and before I knew it your little life had slipped from my hands. I’d give anything to have you still here; fighting and all. Just to hear you laugh, to see your smile, to have you sleeping next to me. I still cannot fully sit back and think about our reality. I feel like a fish out of water and I have to fight for every breath I take. I’ve never had to focus on breathing in my life and now this takes up most of my day as I often feel like I am not getting enough oxygen to my brain. I now have to sit and making sure I am not going to suffocate and concentrate on getting air into my lungs. This is what it feels like to have you gone. Every second of the day I feel either numb or in so much pain that my body shakes and everything hurts.

Now that you are gone, I watch videos of you on my computer. I touch the screen, hoping that you will come out of my screen and magically appear in my room. You don’t. Instead I am flooded with hysterical sobbing that I cannot control. I don’t fight it. I take this time during the day to miss you so badly that I am inconsolable. I do this alone when nobody else is here. It’s better for me that way. I’m not ready to grieve for you in front of anyone else the way that I grieve for you alone. It is too painful for anyone else to see.

Yesterday, we did the usual stuff around here. We filled our day with errands and organizing things. I walked past your room and noticed your door was closed. I thought for a second it was you playing in your room, but then I remembered that you are gone. I opened up your door and peeked inside. It wasn’t you playing at all. It was Liam. He was sitting on your floor, alone, playing with your Star Wars guys. I cannot even think about this story without it destroying me. I asked him if he was o.k. He said he was, he was just playing. I let him be. I couldn’t even go and sit on the floor to be with him. I wish I could have, but I’m not ready for your room yet.

I went to breakfast with Tricia, Danille, Julie and Marisa yesterday. We sat at Taylors. The girls ate. I nibbled on some of Trish’s omelette and some of Danielle’s bagel. I sat with the girls and ended up crying about you, telling them that I just don’t know how we are all going to be alright. I wish I could say they had some words of wisdom; but they didn’t. And I’m glad they didn’t. That just goes to show what true friends they are. They know there are no words of wisdom for this and they know not to bullshit me. So instead, they sat and listened to me and got teary eyed instead. That was all I needed from them. After breakfast, I went with Danielle and Marisa to Kirland. All the book stores have disappeared around here so we had to go to the one out there. I wanted to get Liam and Quinn some chapter books to read for the summer. I missed you in the book store. I missed you as we walked past the fountain at Kirland. I remembered how the two of us would go there and I would let you run around in the water. I remembered how amazingly tan your skin would get from the sun. My little brown bear. So happy and carefree.

Liam and Quinn had a sleepover at Luca’s last night. Your daddy and I went out for Sushi with Uncle Jay, Charlene, Kenny and Stacy. I was sitting there, trying to enjoy the ambiance as hard as I possibly could. Good people, food, and atmosphere. I looked up and saw one of the doctors from PCH that works in the clinic. I cannot remember her name; but I’ll never forget her face. She was supposed to help us through transplant. I told you that you are everywhere. Stacy was trying to talk to me and I told her I couldn’t concentrate as I had just seen somebody from PCH. I needed a minute to compose myself and to talk myself out of running out of the restaurant screaming bloody murder. I sat and told Stacy how even sitting at dinner just seemed wrong. How could I be out, trying to do something normal like eating dinner when everything is wrong? To do something even remotely enjoyable feels like I am betraying you. I am hurting so badly inside that I should not be out in public at all. I feel like I should be standing in my imaginary hole in my backyard that somebody needs to dig for me so I can hide in it forever. I don’t want to be out, trying to eat sushi. But I know if I don’t, that is when the real trouble will begin. I know this so I talk myself into being brave and doing the things that are now so awkward and wrong to me. I do this to keep some sense of normalcy for you Daddy. So I can sit next to him in the booth and hold his hand. So I can make him feel like we are a part of something normal, together. I do this but I don’t like it. I wonder if I will ever be able to breathe normally again.  I wonder a lot of things, baby.

That is all I can write tonight as I need my mind to shut off tonight. I’m having lots of anxiety getting your brothers ready for summer. I have to pull it together for them as they need me more than ever. I know this.

G’nite my little man. I love you. I miss you. Sweet dreams.

xoxo