Ronan. I have no idea how I survived today. Actually, I do. It is because you are amazing in everything you do. You were amazing during your time here with us and you are amazing even though you are gone. Gone. It’s a word that I’ll never get used to. I know that was you today; you who made it rain in Arizona in the middle of May. You knew I was going to have a hard day and you know how much I love the rain. It’s one of my favorite things in life; especially now since I don’t get to see it very often. You knew it would make me smile and think of you. You made it pour and you made take the time to be still in breathe in the clean air and just be for a few moments. I know it is making you uneasy how restless I am. I know you are watching me stumble about and I can just hear you saying, “Moooooommmm! Don’t be sad!” I hear you tell me that a hundred times a day. I felt your little kiss on my cheek today as the rain splattered down on my face while I was watching your brothers play on the playground at school. I keep telling myself you sent this rain to me today to make me happy; not because it was your tears pouring down to let me know how sad you are to be away from me. I know, baby. You don’t have to tell me. If anyone understands, it’s me. I miss you too.
I went off to see my therapist today and I was walking up to her office, I thought to myself…”I’ll bet I’m not even here on the right day.” Turns out, I was; but at the wrong time. Shocker. It’s a wonder I can even dress my self appropriately. Sarah worked her magic and just happened to have some time to see me so I was able to get in. I saw “The Good Doctor,” first. I think we said a lot of fuck words together. He kept telling me how fucked up all this was, I kept saying it was fucking bullshit and kept asking him what the fuck I was supposed to do now. He told me he thought it would be a good idea to go and get my arms tattooed with sleeves because that totally makes sense. He was only kidding and it made me laugh. We talked about if I thought anybody failed me during all of this. I told him, no. Everybody in our life went above and beyond for us. The only things that failed us were medicine, doctors, science, and lack of funding. All of those 4 things right there killed my child. Wow. If I could have all of those things in a room with me it would not be pretty picture. I’m pretty sure I would feel no mercy for any of those things and a lot of words would be screamed and maybe a few balls would be cut off. Thanks for killing my child because you don’t have your shit together and have a cure for this disease. My son just died because if this. UnFuckingacceptable. Don’t worry about me…. my son is just another statistic now. So happy he could be of fucking service to you. Thanks for your time. I won’t ever forgive the “doctors,” until a cure is found. And it better happen before I die because if it doesn’t, I could become very old and very crazy. Old and crazy can be a very dangerous combination. You don’t fuck with an old and crazy person. It felt good to talk today. As much as I blab on here, I’m not the best at actually talking to people in real life. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough with someone to talk to them openly about everything that is going on in my head. It’s a good thing that I feel so comfortable with Sarah. She makes it easy for me to open up and say the things that I’m most afraid of. I like the fact that she is not pushy with me in the way that I am feeling or how I am dealing with things. She is very good at guiding me but not pushing. Huge score in my book. I don’t deal well with pushy people. Unless their names just happens to be Fernanda, Stacy, or Auntie Karen. Those 3 can push me at anytime and I usually listen. They know how to work me like a little puppet. Well, almost;)
After I saw Sarah, I ran to meet your daddy for lunch. We grabbed a quick bite and I ate some turkey for you. I tried. I then put on my best mommy boots and went to Liam and Quinn’s school to help out in their classroom. I was nervous about it the entire day; but I knew how important it was for your brothers. It was hard for me to be there…. but I tried my best to stay calm when all I wanted to do was freak out and run away. Being around a lot of people is hard for me and it just feels wrong. I set my anxiety aside and put on my best smile for your brothers. I love them so much and I refuse to let them down by not being there for them if I am able to. We also had their team baseball pizza party tonight. It was very sweet and I am so thankful for the team they were on this year. It has been so therapeutic for them and they loved every second of it. They are sweet, happy boys whom now have to learn to start over with our family. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to go on without the little baby boy who ruled this house for the almost 4 years of his life? We all ate, breathed, drank, everything Ronan. I am not kidding when I say that baby was our entire world. He kept us on our toes, he kept us laughing, he kept us so blissfully happy. It was the 5 of us and we were unstoppable and loved every second about what we had. Now that he is gone, we have to relearn how to be a family again without him. It is the saddest thing in the world. Woody asked me tonight If I think we will ever be happy again. I straight told him No. Or if we do come close to being happy again; it will never ben in the way that we were with Ronan. Ronan was our sunshine. And we all knew it even before he could walk and talk. He was the missing link that fulfilled our family to a tee. Everyday with him was something magical and special. Everyday with him was a gift and even the twins knew this. So now what do we do?? We go away together for a while and try to reconnect as a family; minus our little guy. We don’t have a choice as it is up to Woody and I to stay strong and fix as many broken pieces as we can. We owe it to each other and we owe it to Liam and Quinn. I’m not going to let Ronan down as I know he is watching us.
That is all for tonight my loves. I love you, Ronan to the moon and back. I love you all gorgeous followers. If you give me some time, I will start taking orders for bracelets. I just ordered 1,000 of them but they will take a while to get here. As soon as they arrive I will let you know and take down your info. You can pay for them by making a donation to The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Let’s get the word out to as many people as possible! Ronan’s work is only just beginning! I forget to add tonight that while I was walking out of Fry’s on Tatum and Shea today I saw a big bucket on a display table. It had little flyers about donating to childhood cancer. I got so excited! I then looked in the clear bucket and this was late in the afternoon and it had about 3 dollars in it. I mean really, 3 dollars?? I almost went inside to talk to someone about how maybe they could promote this a little more…. like by putting Ronan’s face on the jar… but I was in a hurry to get to the boys’ school. I threw a 20 in it and I think I’ll go back tomorrow to talk to somebody. Baby steps, baby steps. It’s better than nothing as it’s a start.
I am leaving you tonight with something that many of you are not going to be a fan of so you’d better stop reading here.
But this is what I thought while driving to my therapist today. I had a huge rush of anger wash over me and I said in my head,
“FUCK GOD.” Yup. I said it and I have the balls to say I said it because it was how I was feeling at the time. Angry at this so called “God,” person that just decided to take away my child and not fix it even after all of the prayers and I know there were hundreds of thousands. So why weren’t they answered? Was it really asking too much for you to just help my baby be o.k. and give him back to me? Or maybe you are just a selfish person who wanted him all to yourself because you had never seen such a beautiful boy exist on this planet. Either way, you are a Dick. If you are really all so mighty and powerful like people think this should have been an easy problem for you to fix. I’ve decided that I’m going to have a “FUCK GOD,” shirt made and wear it whenever I hike Camelback Mountain. I have every right to be that pissed. And anyone who gives me crap about saying this…. you’re not entitled. You didn’t just lose the love of your life-like I did. Like Woody did. And like Liam and Quinn did. We have a right to be pissed off and it comes in many different forms. Today, I was pissed off at God and I am second guessing everything he supposedly “does.” He has a lot of making up to do but nothing will even come close because Ronan is not coming back and that is the only thing our family wants.
Sweetest Dreams. Thanks for not judging only embracing. Love you all