Ronan. It’s only been a week since you left. How can that possibly be? It feels like you left such a long time ago. I think about you all the time. You are never not in my thoughts. I got through another day without you. I don’t know how; but I did. I took Liam and Quinn back to school today. We went in late and I was nervous for them to go back. As we walked in, I explained how some of the kids might ask about you, and I tried to prep them on what to say. I wanted to prepare them as much as possible. They both seemed o.k. I could tell Quinn was more nervous than Liam. Once we got to the classroom, they both seemed fine and their friends were happy to have them back. I left them there feeling like it was their first day of school; my heart was sad but I know normalcy is important for them now. We have such little of that in our life with you being gone. I have to slowly start picking up the pieces and I feel like getting them back to school for the time that they have left will be a good thing. They are such strong little boys. I know you are so proud of them.
After I dropped off Liam and Quinn, I ran some errands with your Nana. It felt weird to be out but I constantly feel the need to be busy. At one point we were at the cash register somewhere and I said out loud, “I can’t believe he is gone.” I talk to myself all the time now. My hands shake all of the time. I talk to you out loud a lot too. We all tell you goodnight every night. I still feel like you can hear us. I took your Nana to get her tattoo today. She got 3 stars on her foot for you, Liam, and Quinn. It turned out so beautiful. Afterwords, we went to lunch. We were supposed to meet Tricia and Marisa at Wildflower, but I ended up going to the wrong location. My head is still not on straight. Fernanda called while we were sitting in a booth together. I stepped outside to talk to her for a few minutes. I ended up bawling my head off and I kept saying to her that I didn’t understand how your little heart could have just stopped, just like that. I mean it makes no sense at all; but I don’t even understand medically how it happens. How is it possible that you and your little life just stopped? You were so full of life and I will never understand how it was taken away so quickly. Just like that, in a blink of an eye. I’ll never forget when you were first diagnosed and your Daddy and I sat in a little room together and how scared he was. I remember grabbing him and saying, “Woody. If anyone can beat this, it’s him.” I had no doubt in my mind that you would grow up to be a healthy boy. I never in my wildest dreams thought this would have been the outcome. I don’t think anybody really did.
Once I returned home, I kept myself busy with stupid chores. I am putting together a hard core plan about how I am going to clean our already spotless house. How maybe if I scrub hard enough, it will pass the time more quickly. I’ve decided I will tackle the closet tomorrow. I know what this process is all about. I have already decided I am going clean every inch of this house until the only thing left to do is your room. The room that I walk past as little as possible during the days but I let me eyes drift over to your toys as I am expecting to see you in there playing. I am so scared of your room. But I know I have to go in there eventually. I will, after everything else is perfectly in place. Until then, I just simply cannot. My stomach instantly gets sick just thinking about it. I just need more time.
After Liam and Quinn came home from school, we had Luke and Lily over. We walked down to Uncle Jays and went swimming. Wesley and Laely came too. It was good for me to be around them today. I thought it was going to be hard, but there sweet souls soothed me. Well, maybe not soothed me as I don’t think there is anything that can do that right now. But it didn’t feel awful for me to be around them. Baby steps, baby. Baby steps.
Everyone around me is stumbling. I wish I could be blind to it but I’m not. Watching Liam, Quinn, and your Daddy is the hardest for me to see. Last night, after your service we were all walking out of The Desert Botanical Gardens together. There was a wishing fountain right before the parking lot. We all stopped and Liam threw in a coin. He said he wished for you to come back. I honestly thought I was going to crumble on the spot but Quinn distracted me by trying to steal the money out of the fountain. I gave him a quick talking to about how he couldn’t take the money out of the fountain because it was other people’s wishes. He then made some snarky comment about how wishes don’t come true. Fuck. I dug deep down and told him, that they indeed do come true, but I didn’t have the energy to finish the bullshit pep talk. How do you try to convince a 7-year-old who just sat though his baby brothers memorial service that by throwing a fucking penny in a fountain that what they wish for will come true. The truth is, you don’t. And if you do, you’re a better person than me. Or maybe just a better bullshitter:)
Your daddy asked me tonight when I was going to break. Or if I was just going to hold this all in until I finally explode. We are not in sync with our grieving process at all. I wonder, if this is normal? Am I holding it all together so he can grieve and I can be strong for him? Then when it is my turn, he will be able to be strong for me? Part of me thinks so. If we were both dealing with this, the same way, at the same time….. I don’t know how we would go on for Liam and Quinn. Don’t get me wrong. I have my moments when I sob like a baby. But I try my hardest to do this when I’m not around anyone else. I save it for the moments that I know you are closest to me and when I look to you for comfort. You are so good at comforting me, Ro. You still give me so much strength.
I have two pictures I am posting tonight. One, was taken by the insanely talented Emily Carroll. She came to capture some images from Ronan’s service last night. This hummingbird kept appearing in her camera. Do you know what they say about hummingbirds? I do. My dad taught me about he importance of Hummingbirds. They are special and the fact that this little guy was fluttering about during Ronan’s service.. well that speaks volumes in itself. Thanks for letting me know you were there, Ronan. And that you are o.k. Thank you for capturing this moment, Emily.
It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol – further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity.
By observing the Hummingbird, we see they are seemingly tireless. Always actively seeking the sweetest nectar, they remind us to forever seek out the good in life and the beauty in each day.
Amazing migrators, some Hummingbirds are known to wing their way as far as 2000 miles to reach their destination. This quality reminds us to be persistent in the persuit of our dreams, and adopt the tenacity of the Hummingbird in our lives.
The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.
Hummingbird Animal Totems offer attributes like:
Need I say more? I don’t think so. The little signs are everywhere.
The last picture I am going to leave you with is one I took on my iPhone today while my mom was getting her tattoo done. I’m not crazy…. well at least not yet. Take a look at the white image where my mom is getting her ink done. I swear to god it looks like a little seal. The nose pointed to one of her stars, the flippers closer to her toes. Does anybody else see that??!!
I seriously think it was little Ronan’s spirit sitting with us today. After seeing this tonight on my camera, I am sure of it. I talked to him the entire day in my head. He never leaves my side. Thank you Ronan, for guiding me today. I know you know I am struggling with some things and how I am trying to figure out the path I am meant to take. You gave me a lot of answers today. I am going to follow your lead and listen to my heart and you. We are going to change the world baby. We are going to save others lives by finding a cure for this. I know it is our destiny. It was what we were meant to do in life. To help others, inspire others, teach others about what is REALLY important in life. Just to be better people in general. Let’s make this world a better place…. let’s find a cure for this Neuroblastoma bullshit by educating people and getting funding in place. I’m so going to be all over Yoplait soon. I am thinking they are my first target. If they can do pink ribbons for all of October on the top on their lids, the why the fuck can’t they do yellow for all of September. Mama’s mad. Mama’s on a mission. Somebody emailed me today and said they were ready to stand behind, “Maya’s Mafia.” That made me laugh out loud. I love it. I hope you are all game for this. If you stick behind my son and what we are about to do…. be ready for the most fulfilling journey of your life. Ronan had it all figured out by the almost the age of 4. I took very careful notes so I know all of his secrets, all of his tricks, and I now know what he was meant to do in this world. Just because he was so sickly robbed of his little life does not mean he cannot fulfill his dreams. I being his mama, his biggest fan, will get these things done for him. I’ll get by with a little help from my friends and all of his Rockstar Fans. I promise you. Amazing things are to come. Ronan was my gift that I am sharing with all of you and I am so thankful to do so. I know how much you all believe in him and know that he was meant to change the world. Start by helping me out anyway you can. Just getting his story out is the first step. This is going to take some time, but I want everyone to know about the most beautiful, bravest little boy, who could melt you with just one of his famous winks. FUCK YOU CANCER. You fucked up big time and you owe it to me that something good come out of this. We will start by raising awareness for your stupid ass disease that I had never in my life had heard of because I was uneducated and cocky. I’m sorry that ONLY 800 kids a year are diagnosed with this. 800 kids a year is more than plenty to fight for. So fuck you Neuroblastoma and your lack of education. I am about to blow your shit out of the water. You took my baby; so I’m not going to stop until somebody finally takes you, mother fucker.
Sooooooooo…… I think I got a little off track. Um yeah. It’s been way too long since I’ve said Fuck on my blog so I had to get a few of those out. And Ronan, you’re such a little badass now that you don’t even need earmuffs anymore buddy! I think you’ve earned your right to hear those words. I love you Ronan. We all love you so much. I told Quinn to dream about you tonight. I hope you visit him and you two play your little hearts out. Sweet dreams Ro baby. Sweet dreams my lovely friends. Hope your day tomorrow is full of all the little things my Ronan has left behind.