Day: May 13, 2011

Ronan. Happy 4th Birthday baby boy. It was the fastest 4 years of my life. It flew by in the blink of any eye; but now that you are gone, the days and nights drag on forever. Time seems to be standing still. I woke up at 6 a.m. and hiked Camelback by myself. I have decided to make this a tradition and do this on your birthday every year. I put about 20 of your purple F U Cancer bracelets in my backpack and when I got to the top of the mountain, I decorated one of the trees with all of your bracelets. I hope a bunch of new people are wearing your little purple bracelets around and I hope they know your story now. I’m so motivated on spreading the word that I will do whatever it takes. I looked for you at the top of the mountain today, but I didn’t see you. I miss your beautiful face so very much.

After my hike, I came home and got ready for your day. It was a hard day and all I really wanted to do was hide in my bed. I didn’t but I honestly don’t know how I survived. I had to write out your obituary today. On your birthday of all days. Your daddy wanted it done. It really only took a few minutes and I am surprised how quickly all of the words came to me. I guess you were helping me along because it was very effortless. Who would have thought that I would be writing out the words to be printed in the paper about your death, on the day you were born. It really is the cruelest joke ever. And nobody is laughing.

Your dad, Nana, and I took Liam and Quinn to Chelsea’s Kitchen for lunch; your favorite spot. Quinn ordered a Shirley Temple and they brought him his drink with lots of extra cherries and I didn’t even have to ask. It was just the way you would have liked it, Ro. I ate the Ahi Tuna Tacos just for you because I have not eaten in about 3 days. I was not hungry, but I forced myself to eat for the sake of your birthday. After lunch, we took Liam and Quinn to Target to pick out a gift from you to them for your birthday. Liam got the new Lego Pirates of the Caribbean PS3 game. Quinny got a new Lego Wii Controller. It was hard to walk through Target without you as that used to be our special thing to do. It felt very eerie and sad.

We came back home and tried to fill the rest of the day with as much happiness as possible. It was exhausting and we all had a hard day, trying to make something so sad, somewhat happy. We didn’t pretend not to be sad though. We talked about it instead. I told Quinn how he and Liam may need to go talk to someone about all of this. He just responded, “Why mom? I can just talk to you.” I told him of course he could, but sometimes it was good to talk to someone on the outside because I am hurting so badly as well. I told him I would go with him and tried to explain to him how this was the worst thing that could happen to a family and how important it is to embrace all of our feelings and not keep them bottled up inside. He seemed to understand what I was saying for the most part but I know at 8 years old he cannot grasp the magnitude of what has happened. At 33, I have yet to grasp it myself. Shock and numbness are still all I feel.

Later in the evening, our house started to fill up with some of the girls whom shall remain nameless. You know who they all are; the one’s who have held me up this whole time.  The one’s that love you so much, that they seem almost just as sad as me. The one’s whom I would not be standing here if it were not for them. They all wanted to celebrate you, Ro. They swooped me off for a few hours and we celebrated you in the most beautiful way possible. 11 of us got tattoos in your honor. Almost all purple stars, some tiny, some big. There were a lot of tears tonight with the girls, but the amount of love was something like I have never experienced before in a room full of all women. At one point, I looked at Fernanda and said, “I feel like there is so much love here, that it is going to bring him back.” I am serious when I say that. I felt like the heavens above would open up and drop you back down into my arms where you belong. That is the only place you belong and I will never stop believing that it is going to happen someday. But Ronan, if it doesn’t happen, I will try my hardest to be o.k. I have the best man taking care of me, the best twin boys, and friends that are so unbelievably beautiful that they seem almost not real. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have all of them; but I know that I am so ridiculously thankful that it makes my head spin.

Once we finished up our little tribute to you, we went outside with a bunch of purple balloons. I held a purple star one for you. All of us gathered around in the parking lot and sang “Happy Birthday,” to you baby. We then let the balloons go. We all cried, held on to each other and watched the balloons float into the dark air. It was beautiful for being so sad. We all came back to our house and broke out your birthday cake. Quinn and Liam were dying to have some. Gathered with a bunch of our friends, I lit 4 candles for you and we all sang “Happy Birthday,” again. My eyes stayed totally locked on your daddy’s eyes because I knew if I looked elsewhere, I was going to lose it. I had to stay strong in front of Liam and Quinn. I put on my best mama boots and sucked it up. I wished for you baby. Just like I’ll do everyday for the rest of my painfully long life. Being without you is like being a trapped wild animal. I will never escape this cage and I wonder if this feeling of restlessness will last forever. It  makes me want to crawl out of my skin, this feeling of being without you. How long before I completely crack?? I can slowly feel the numbness wearing off and I am so scared of what is to come. Just the tiniest taste of knowing what life is really like without you is so physically painful that I am almost positive that I won’t survive this. If the pain of a broken heart could really kill someone, I would be dead by now.

I’m sorry, Ro. For being so sad tonight. I hope it makes you feel better to see how we ended your day. I know you saw us outside, playing basketball in the dark with your brothers. I could almost hear your whispers in the cool air of the night. I know you know how much we all love you and miss you so much. So many people let balloons go today for your birthday. People we don’t even know, Ro. You are the most loved little boy up in the sky. I love you to the moon and back. It was the best worst birthday ever and we will never stop celebrating your life. G’nite sweet baby boy. I love you so much.

xoxo