Day: April 30, 2011

“Just you and me, Mom.”

I am trying my hardest to pretend this weekend is normal when all I really want to do is run away. Ro woke up bright and early as well as the twins as they had their baseball game to get ready for. Woody headed out early with them and Ronan and I waited for Tricia and Macy to pick us up to head over to the game. Macy’s eyes were full of tears as soon as she saw us and I tried my best to look away. It hurt so bad. Tricia drove my car, Macy sat in front and I sat in the back with Ro. We headed out to watch the twins play in their baseball game. It was hard for me to be there today, as I know everyone knows whats going on and I could feel the sadness in the air. I held on to Macy and Tricia’s hands, kissed my husband and cheered on my twins. I put on my sweetest smile, tucked Ronan away in his stroller and said hello to a few lovely team moms. We got to watch my boys play their game for about 20 minutes as that is all Ronan could handle. He is in pain and just wanted to go home. I left there with Tricia, Macy and Ronan in tow and talked Ronan into getting a shaved ice from our favorite place. He even went inside to pick out his flavors for him and his brothers. Macy had her first shaved ice today too. So proud I was the one to break her in. After our shaved ice, we headed to Have Java for coffees and Ronan then decided he wanted to go to Target. At this point, his wish is our command. We stopped by our house to drop off Liam and Quinn’s treats and Quinn hopped in the car with us to go to Target. It was the first time I have seen Ronan smile since we’ve been home. We went to town on getting him some new Star Wars guys and a Nerf Gun. After Target, we came back home and my mom had just arrived. Ronan was overwhelmed by the few people in our house as it was a little chaotic for him. Tricia and Macy said they were leaving and I begged them not to. I feel so strong with the two of them around. Tricia was only trying to be helpful and said I needed time with my family but I pleaded with her that she and Macy are our family. As soon as they left, I started bawling. I told them I just needed them at my house even if that meant they were picking weeds in my backyard. They both decided to respect the space that they think we need. I get it, I understand, but I am not my rational self these days. I sent Tricia a text telling her I was mad at her and as she had abandoned me. I know this is not the case at all, but not getting my way when I think I know best, is something I have a hard time with. I know that Tricia was right in leaving today. Nobody knows their place and it is a hard thing to watch. All I want is my house full of the people who I love most. Full of laugher, fun, and friends. But this is not what Ronan wants and I have to respect that.

After the Tricia fiasco, I went into straight psychotic mode and knew I was going to end up huddled in a corner somewhere bawling my eyes out. I didn’t want to freak out Liam and Quinn, so I decided I needed to take my anger out elsewhere. I ran my ass up Camelback Mountain as fast as I could and cried almost the entire way. I think Marisa called in the middle of my hike and I remember babbling to her about everyone abandoning me. She tried to calm me down, but there was no calming me today. I kicked that mountains ass and it felt good. I got to the top, prayed once again, and zoomed down as fast as I could. Tricia called me as I was halfway down the mountain begging to come and find me. I told her no, that I would be down soon. She in Macy trecked up as far as they could in their flip flops. As soon as Trish saw me she grabbed me and held me tight and we both cried. She told me how sorry she was, and how she would never leave me. I was the one who was sorry as I was a big, fat, jerk. Nothing in my mind makes sense anymore and the littlest things upset me. I know my best friend would never leave my side. I was being overly dramatic. I about peed my pants laughing when I saw what Macy was wearing while trying to climb up the mountain. Only a true friend would hike up Camelback in a red skirt and sandals, flashing everyone in sight due to the wind. As she said, “Thank god I wore underwear today.” I’m still laughing about that one.

I had them leave me at the bottom, so I could run home. It was there that I was greeted by my mom and Quinn who was riding his bike looking for me. So sweet. I was so happy to see him. He was so proud to come and find me. I am such a lucky mama; my boys love me so much.

I’m sick to death about Ronan. I feel like his body is giving out, but the worst part is his spirit and soul seem to be going as well. He is tired, grumpy, and just lays around. This is so hard for us to watch. It was only a few weeks ago that he was running around as if nothing was wrong. This is all happening way too fast. He just wants to be held and loved so that is what we are doing. I am still praying for a miracle and won’t ever stop. I keep picturing in my mind, him just getting better by himself because of all of our love. I’m hoping that months will go by and he will slowly come back to us. I dream of taking him in again for scans and hearing the words, “It’s amazing, his cancer has stopped spreading and is going away.” I dream of this a dozen times a day.

We have not had the talk with the twins yet, although I know they know something is going on. I’m trying to think of the perfect way to do it. There is no perfect way or perfect timing but as of now, I’m imagining Woody and I taking them on a walk to just let them know as little as possible. No talk about death, but explaining to them that the medicine is not working so we just need to love Ronan as much as we can. We will answer their questions as best we can, but have to try to make this as positive as possible. They do not need to know everything at this point. He is still here with us, he is still fighting but my baby is getting tired. I can see it in his eyes.

I’m scared to sleep now. What if I miss something. What if he takes his last breath and I miss it? I will never forgive myself. I’ve stopped taking my Ambien…. I’m obsessed with listening to his every heartbeat and watching him all night long. I sit and think about where he is going to go next…. somewhere with no more pain, but how can he not be in pain because I know his heart is going to be broken because he won’t be with us. This is going to be worse than any pain that he has been through at this point. He was meant to be with us forever. Not such a short amount of time as we had so many plans.

I’m restless and scared at what is going to come out of my mouth if I keep rambling on tonight. I love all of my family and friends so much. I love my Mr. Sparkly Eyes whom is always there to pick me up, especially when I’m at my lowest point. He is the only one who makes me smile now and who gives me such amazing advice. I love him for that. I love my husband for trying to be so brave, but he is so sad and I don’t know what to do except for try to be strong for him when he needs to break down. I sat on his lap tonight outside for a long time and tried to be the voice of reason and tried to reassure him that none of this is his fault like he is insisting that it is. He keeps saying it’s because of his bad genes. I told him that was bullshit and had nothing to do with this. It was just bad luck. Look at our beautiful perfect twins we have. My heart breaks for my husband and all I can do is love him, talk to him, and try to be strong for him as I did today, anytime he was around. I love him so much, that beautiful man of mine.

I’m ending tonight on that note. I love you all so much. Sweetest dreams to you all. I will never stop thanking you for your love and support.

xoxo

Burn baby, burn

Home. That’s where we are heading. No more hospitals, no more clinics, no more. As I sit here holding Ro on our flight home, all I can think about is, “Will this be his last airplane ride?” It can’t be possible. He was supposed to be coming with us, to Ireland soon. He was supposed to be going to Washington with us this summer. He was supposed to go on my most favorite family vacation to the San Juan Islands on the big boat that Papa Jim will drive. We were waiting until he was 4 to take him on this trip. This is the sickest, cruelest joke in the world. When did life become so hard? That’s the scariest thing; because everything changed overnight. I had no idea how precious life really was until all of this. I’ll say this over and over; I will always wish this was me and not him. I’ve done enough in my life to be fulfilled. He will never get the chance.

So after all of this, I’m sorry to say that if my baby boy goes, there is not a God. God would not do this to a child, a family, to a mother. God can fuck off. I’ve put all my faith out there I only to have it ripped away from me. If “God” takes away my child, I’m going to go burn down a mother fucking church. I’m going to go crazy and I have every right to. The pain that is in my heart will NEVER be healed. For those of you who want to judge me, think less of me for writing these words, or to wonder how I could say such things…. You are not allowed. You have not walked in my shoes, even if you think you have in some sort if way; you have not because you were never a mom to Ronan.

I am about to go home, to the only place Ronan wants to be. I am about to have the toughest conversation in my life with my twin boys. Ronan is their best friend and I am about to tell them the thing that they have feared the most. I’ve stopped eating as I have no appetite. It’s been 4 days now and the thought of food makes me sick to my stomach. I ate some cheese and crackers today only to get Woody off my back. Fuck all if this.

You don’t need to worry about my sanity, as it is gone. But as a mom I know it us my job to put on a very good show as to not traumatize my twins. I would never let them see this insane pain I am feeling. I love them too much. I know I will get through this, but now, sitting on this plane ride I am beyond angry. My emotions change from circumstance to circumstance. The moment I step off this flight, I will put back on my positivity shoes that seem to come off every now and again.

I want Ronan back. I want his hair, I want his healthy body, I want his laugh and bright eyes. I want his naughty trouble making soul that always reminded me of me. He is my little clone on the inside. The two of us never skipped a beat. You know who this is going to be the hardest on? My Quinn. Ronan and Quinn are closer that Quinn is to his twin brother, Liam. How us that even possible? Twins are supposed to have this crazy connection, which my two do; but it is nothing like the connection Ro and Quinn have.

There will come a time after all of this that I am going to go crazy, mark my words. It may take me jumping out if a fucking airplane, visiting some crazy country, running another marathon, but something is going to have to give. I’m not living a life full of limitations anymore and I’m not saying no to things that come my way. I’ve just walked through hell and back and I’m done with all the superficial bullshit that life has to offer. I will spend the rest of my life, helping others, not because it is good for my ego; but because I’m going to make a difference in this world and change the way people’s warped minds think. I will put every ounce into making sure my twins turn out to be just like their Dad; as there us not a better man in the world. I will make sure they know the meaning if living a life by their rules, as long as they don’t hurt others. I will guide them, love them, and we will never forget out Ronan who has forever changed our lives. They will be raised to have an impact in this world in honor of their brother. The most amazing little soul who has ever existed on this planet.

They will be taught to never judge people, as judgment is my least favorite quality in a person. Nobody has the right. They will grow up open-minded, respectful, fearless, honest, and I will support them, guide them, and love them with every bone in my body. I know that I am going to have to work extra hard to fulfill the love that they have missing from Ro. I am more than prepared to take on that task as these 8 months away from them have been horrific. This has been so unfair to them.

We made it home safe and sound. My little busy bees had everything perfect. I told Fernanda and Bethany I needed all new bedding for Ronan in my bed. All white, all calm, all peaceful, all new. He has been so sick in my bed for all this time; he deserves to now be surrounded by nothing but the softest sheets, pillows, blankets, white everything like a fluffy cloud. I asked for Fernanda to make me dinner so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Done. I begged NY Miss Macy to get on a flight asap to spend the weekend with us. Done. Time is not on our side and nobody knows how much time we have left with Ronan. Anything I have asked of my friends, has been done and more and I will never be able to thank them enough. I hope they know how the only reason I am still standing is because of them. I would be so lost without them. Thank you my angels. You all know who you are.

We were met at the airport by somebody from Hospice whom I chose to ignore. So rude of me I know, but I am so numb and so in denial that I couldn’t do anything else. She came over to our house and I let Woody deal with her. I unpacked some of our things and just pretended like she wasn’t here. Woody asked if I wanted them here for the weekend. I told him no way and to make them leave a.s.a.p. My manners were nowhere in sight today and for that I apologize as I know at some point we are going to need them. But not yesterday, not this weekend. All I want is one normal weekend where I can pretend like this isn’t real. Which is why we didn’t have any talk with Liam and Quinn yet. Just one weekend is all I’m asking for where we can pretend like we are a normal, happy, family. Liam and Quinn deserve as much normal time at home with Ronan without having to know too much.

Auntie Karen and Liz came over to unpack for me. Heidi and Luke came by so Ronan could play with him as he has been begging to see Luke for days now. I sat and watched as the sweetest little 10-year-old boy cry over his worry for Ronan. I just told him I loved him and all that mattered was that Ronan was so happy to be home and so happy to be with Luke and his brothers. My dear, sweet friend, Aubrey (Dr. Maze) came by to give us his support. It was hard for me to look at him tonight as I had so much to say but nothing was appropriate with all the kiddos around. He sat and watched me buzz around, taking care of Ro, getting food for the kiddos, he watched the complete chaos of my life which I so love. I was so happy to have him here. He is a part of our family now. He loves Ro so much. After he left, I put Ronan in my bed and took the hottest bath alive.

Ronan and I fell asleep shortly after my bath. All cuddled up in our cloud of a bed. Thank you again girls. It was the most peaceful night of sleep that I have had in a very long time. We are up early… 5 a.m. Not sure why but Ronan was demanding that we get up. Whatever that boy wants, that boy gets. He’s watching “Mickey Mouse,” while I finish this post. We are going to the twins’ baseball game today and Woody is helping coach. Tricia and Macy are picking up Ronan and myself as I’m not sure if I can drive. Today we are going to be as normal as we can and normal now consists of giving Ronan morphine around the clock to keep him out of pain. My mom gets in today. Don’t know how I’m going to look her in the eyes. I’m so mad at everything and everyone about this. I’m not ready to let him go so soon. I pray that he stays with us as long as possible. I want to see my baby turn 4 on May 12. I want him here for Woody’s birthday on May 24th, for Tricia’s on May 25th, for Mother’s Day, whenever that is. I don’t want to spend this Mother’s Day without him. Please. Somebody listen. I have been on my knees, begging so much that they are bloody.