How could my love not be enough?

Who would be so cruel to to this to us? To him? I don’t want him in the arms of “Jesus.” I only want him in my arms for the rest of his life, which should be a long life, where he belongs. I don’t want to watch this cancer eat away at his little body while I can do nothing about it except for sit back, watch it happen, and keep him as pain free as possible. I don’t want to have to go home and explain to my twins that their baby brother is hurting and that the medicine is not working. How the fuck am I going to do that? This baby is their entire world and he completed our perfect family. There was always something missing until he came along. He has added so much happiness and laughter to our lives and now we just get to sit back and have it taken away from us? ¬†That is bullshit and I am so mad. If prayers really worked, my son would be healed because I have been on my knees praying since the day this happened, day and night, night and day. And I know thousands of you have done the same thing as well. Why isn’t it working? Who would be so cruel to take away this precious gift of mine? How is possible that there is nothing left to do except enjoy the time we have left with him? I feel like a failure. I failed my son. How is it that my love is not strong enough to save him because I have never loved anything more in my life. I’ve ¬†fought so hard to keep him here and now what? It doesn’t matter because as Dr. Mosse said, we may only have weeks left with him. How in the world can this be true? What am I going to do with not hearing the little pitter patter of his feet running around the house? What am I going to do not having his big blue eyes to look into? How am I not going to hear him say, “Mom! I love you to the moon and back?” How am I not going to crumble up and die?

How do you plan a funeral for your 3-year-old? I’ve already started that process, sending out crazy texts to Tricia and Fernanda blabbing about how this has to be something different, it cannot be a circus, it has to be small because Ronan never liked a ton of attention. Nobody is to wear black, everyone has to wear something colorful and bright because that is what Ronan brought to our world. All I want is a miracle and to not have to think about any of this, but we are facing our worst nightmare and have to be prepared as we do not know what the future holds. If the future holds my Ronan leaving this earth, well that is something more than I will know who to handle. And I don’t want to hear about him “earning his fucking angel wings.” I HATE THAT SAYING. No child should ever have to earn their wings; ever.

I spent most of today cuddled up in bed with Ro. He was back to his feisty self, playing and had his bossy boots on all day long. We have his pain controlled. Woody and I both spent the day taking turns breaking down. We seem to balance each other out so well. He would cry and I would be strong, and vise versa. He sat and stroked my hair while telling me that there is nobody he would rather go through this with than me. We made this cancer with Ronan such an adventure, enjoying New York and taking on the world while never letting go of hands. Somehow, our love for each other will get us through this. It just has to. My husband is too good of a man and I refuse to fail him too, but all I really want to do is dig myself a deep hole and never come out.

I’m sorry . I’m not very inspiring tonight as I just feel a ton of anger. I really need to punch something because this is so not the way I saw things going. I was always so sure that Ronan would beat the crap out of this disease. I still feel that way. I am not leaving his side, ever again. I’m not going running, shopping, to the movies, or out of my fucking house unless he comes with me. I will not miss a second of being with him. I will hold him and love him and kiss him until he gets annoyed and tells me to knock it off like he often does. I will not give up.

We are flying home tomorrow thanks to the most beautiful family that has been put on this earth. You know who you are my dear, sweet girl and I hope you know how grateful we are. Please give your hubby an extra big smooch tonight as you two are absolutely the most selfless people I have ever met. Who else in the world would make such a thing like this happen at the drop of a hat? Nobody. It is because of you, that we will get to bring our very sick, precious boy home without the eyes of strangers on us and with him being as comfortable as possible. Thank you, Dolly. I love you.

As we get home, there are so many of you that we would like to see, but we have to keep things at home as calm and peaceful as possible. So, if you would like to stop by, please call first and don’t be offended if we tell you no. It’s not out of anything but love for our son and we have to make sure he is as comfortable as possible. A lot of people and house guests seem to do nothing but stress Ronan out and that is the last thing we want to cause. We need this time together, more than ever. And please, if any of you see our twins, don’t mention anything about this to them. Woody and I have to be the one’s to sit down and somehow find the words to explain this all to them. This breaks my heart more than anything. We will do our best as parents but nobody can prepare you for the conversation that is about to come. Just thinking of the look in their eyes is enough to kill me. Our family was never meant to be a family of 4. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

I am so sad. Sad beyond words. All I want is to get Ronan home and back with his brothers. Back to his house. No more clinic visits or hospitals. Enough is enough and the only things that will heal him will be a miracle from above. If my love could save him alone, we would not be in this situation. I will never understand how my love has not been enough.

Thank you all for your continued love and support. We will keep fighting and do whatever it takes to make Ronan the happiest little boy on this earth. We will never give up on him.

Love you all.

xoxo

And P.S. FUCK the royal wedding. Really, 16-64million dollars? That makes me sick to my stomach. This world needs to get a clue as to what is really important in life. All that money could be spent in such a better way, like saving the lives of millions of children. I’m embarrassed and ashamed for them. I hope their child never gets cancer and they never have to deal with something like this. With all that money, a cure could be closer to being found.