Welcome back, hospital insomnia

Beeping machines. Check. Headache. Check. Cold hospital room. Check. Missing Woody. Check. Hospital insomnia back. Check. Check. Check. Where does this leave me? Miserable. With a foggy head. I really, really, tried to go to sleep without my sleepy meds tonight, because I thought I left them at the RMH. I’ve lain awake for 3 freaking hours now. Tossing. Turning. Had a slight panic attack and thought I couldn’t breathe. It was only out of sheer terror and desperation that I dug though another overnight bag and thank the lord, found my Ambien. Waiting for it to kick in and trying to ignore the little voices in the back of my head saying they can’t believe I have to take prescription meds to go to sleep. STFU. Nothing to feel guilty about… but was all so foreign to me, until now. I gag taking Advil. Never in my life had I had to take medication to sleep. Sleep always came so easily and peacefully to me. Guess that changes when your child gets cancer. At least it has for me. Everything has changed.

I tossed and turned and sat and over-analyzed everything like I always do. I worried myself into a panic about a friend who is flying back to Phoenix tonight. I told him I needed to know he was safe so I could sleep better. I texted Woody to let me know when he arrived to Phoenix because I needed to know that he and Quinn were safe. I sat and obsessed over these things tonight for I cannot take something else happening to the people I love. Now, I will sit here and obsess over my mom getting into New York safely and hoping that she easily finds her way to the RMH. She’s never been to New York and I can tell she is nervous. I wish I could be there to meet her but all I can do is sit and wait for her to call so I know she’s o.k. I worry a lot when I don’t sleep and my overactive imagination goes into full effect. Then there’s the damn beep beep of Ronan’s fucking pole again. I have to get up, buzz the nurse, and say, “We’re beeping!” I’ve done this only 5 times tonight. Awesomeness. I much prefer my coma induced state of sleep that I was able to have the past few nights while I slept at the RMH with Quinn. My little blue friends better start working soon or I am going to be a zombie tomorrow and I hate being that way. I was so looking forward to some nice time with my mom and Ronan… do not want grumpy Maya to make an appearance. Nobody likes her.

Our roommate is really sick. So sick that I can’t sleep because I am so sad for him. He has a very rare form of brain cancer. He has a big bump on his head from it and can’t really talk or move. He is a little younger than Ronan, with the most beautiful face and the longest eyelashes. His parents are such good parents too. You can tell that they are as in love with each other as they are their son who is fighting so desperately hard for his little life. They sit and play memory and other games with him all day, but he gets tired easily. Today, he slept the entire day and has thrown up on and off. I wish I had a magic wand to make him all better. If love could fix the problem, he would be healed because the way his mom loves him is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life. She is a very good mom. And you all know I have high standards. It takes a lot for me to call another mom a good mom, and this lady should win mama of the year. Her patience, love, and kindness for her child makes me smile. It gives me hope that he is going to be fine; just like Ronan.

You know how I know Ronan is going to be fine?? Because of my insight. And because of the very insightful people who I surround myself with and they know it too. Like Mr. Sparkly Eyes, who I was texting a couple of days ago after I was having a bad day and I told him I just needed to hear him tell me that everything was going to be o.k. He responded with “I do believe Ro will overcome this.” He wouldn’t just say this to me if he didn’t feel it or believe in it. Same with Fernanda. She has great insight to things and told me this morning that she has no doubt that Ronan is going to be o.k… and she will watch him grow up into a beautiful teenager. There is something about the two of them that I trust and believe in what they are saying 110%. They are my Ronan whispers. I don’t see Ronan not surviving this and maybe I’m biased because he’s my child and maybe this is the way every mother feels when facing this situation…. but I don’t know. I just have such a strong sense that these hard and scary times are going to be worth it because in the end, he will still be here; where he belongs which is on this earth doing amazing things. Woody and I both know it is going to take a lot of work to get our son back, but we both do not doubt that it will happen and we are in the best place where they are going to make sure it happens. I have an inner peace about this. I trust my insights, my gut, the flashes of things I get that pertain to my life. TRUSTTRUSTTRUST. This is all happening for a very good reason. A huge mother-fucking rainbow at the end of the storm!!!!!!!!!

Holla!!! New York better be prepared! Miss Macy is coming for a visit!!!!! I’m so excited! She just sent me a text saying she will be here April 14-17th. I have the most amazing friends that refuse to let me be here alone and are filling in for Woody when he is gone. Trish has her ticket booked, Fernanda is coming, Niki, Stacy, Tiffany, and I have a whole line-up of people who are dying to come out next to help. I love my friends so much. I don’t know what I would do without them.

Alright. Officially getting tired due to my “friends” starting to work. Thank GOD for Ambien. Nighty Night peeps!