This is what I wish

 

I wish that I could sleep the entire night without waking up 50 times. I wish that my baby wouldn’t wake up as early in the morning because is little arm is hurting so badly. I wish this was me and not him. I wish that there was a known cure for this disease. I wish that I didn’t make my best friend cry yesterday because she was so worried about me. I wish I could take my twins, friends, and family all to New York. I wish Ronan did not have cancer.I wish my husband never doubted how much I love him. I wish Ronan’s cancer was going away. I wish no parent ever had to endure this kind of pain. I wish for my old life back. These are the things I wish for everyday of my life.

Yesterday, I took Ronan and Quinn to the clinic. We saw “A” and Ronan said his goodbyes. We had a picture day with all of his favorite people…. Sharon, Dr. Maze, and “A.” Turns out, we have to go back on Wednesday but we won’t get to see “A” or Sharon again, but we are hoping to see Kristen, Patty, Dr. Adams, and Elaine so we can tell them goodbye since we didn’t get to yesterday. I talked to “A” forever about Ronan’s arm pain. She told me she is almost positive that it is disease related. The only thing that is going to help is getting his next round of high dose chemo going on the 21st. I hate that there is nothing we can do until then. I can get him to take pain medicine if he is really hurting, but he hates taking it and puts up a good fight about it. The stubborn little guy would rather suffer. After the clinic, I dropped the boys’ off at the movies with Sarah so I could get some things done. Fernanda ended up picking me up for what I intended to be a productive work lunch… brought my laptop and all. Due to technically difficulties… The Vig’s internet wasn’t working so I am blaming that on our lunch gone array. We got nothing done except for a very long, deep, heart to heart talk filled with both laughs and tears. I don’t know how I am going to get through New York with her so far away. She gives me such strength.

The night around here was alright. I am having a hard time staying focused on what I need to do before we leave. Avoiding reality big time. I have no choice but to be productive today as Thursday is right around the corner. I finally talked to my long lost Charisma last night. We have not talked in a month but were finally able to last night. It was so good to hear her voice and listen to how she has been working away and testing for pilot season. Keeping my fingers crossed for my extra talented friend that something amazing comes her way.

I have been up on and off since 3….I was finally able to get Ronan back asleep a while ago and he is still sleeping away. I have been watching him on and off all night as he is fighting this pain so hard. It is gut wrenching to see him toss and turn and wince in pain as he tries to sleep. Poor angel baby. I feel so helpless and restless. It will be good to get to New York and get the ball rolling.

I hope you all have a beautiful day and are so very thankful for all that you have.

xoxo