Because I’m still in love with you

Clarity. It’s what I’ve found tonight. It came in many different forms. A long talk with Mr. Sparkly eyes, an email from my Mrs. Darling(P.S., SB… that’s your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. that my New York Miss Macy made me. Clarity tonight is mine and I’m not letting it go. It’s as if my eyes have been blurred with a film of fog for months now, and the fog has finally been lifted. I have fought so many things, trying so hard to push away all the good and beautiful things I have in my life because I feel as if I don’t deserve them. Because I feel if Ronan is in so much pain, that I deserve to feel nothing but pain as well. I know that the pain that I feel most of the time is not going anywhere anytime soon… but I do deserve to have beautiful moments in my life such as tonight. I deserve these things because I am a good, true person who says what she feels and feels what she says. I am ready to feel again, something besides sadness and numbness. I am ready to feel these things because although sometimes I get caught up in the scariness and ugliness of our situation; I know what the outcome is going to be. Ronan is going to be fine. He is going to make it thought this and I have to remember to hold on to my grace and dignity. ( Thank you, CC for saving my life the other night;) Grace and dignity because after all of this is said and done; I don’t want to have any regrets. I want to look back at this journey and know that I would not have changed a thing about the way I handled all of this. Is my honesty a fault? I don’t think so, although others may say differently. This is me, this is my life, and you all get to watch the way it plays out in the way I handle things. I am not afraid to put all of this out there as I have nothing to hide. My truth is empowering to me and everyday I am learning something new about myself and the world around me.

My husband, has fought for months to get me back because he has watched the way I’ve pushed everything and everyone away. He hasn’t ever given up on me and tonight I was finally able to tell him everything I have been feeling and thinking. He knew all of it already and told me the story of how he never wanted to get married. He never thought he would marry because he didn’t think anyone was special enough to share his life with. That was until he met me. I was the one who changed his mind, I was and am the only one for him. He asked me tonight if I was sure if I still wanted to be with him. I told him I had never been more sure of anything in my life. I have been numb for months now, but ever since New York I have slowly been making my way back to Woody. I love that man with every bone in my body and I know I was meant to drift away from him so I could come back stronger than ever. So we could come back stronger together. I know this because I knew on our first date when I was just 21 years old, that I was going to marry Woody. I may have drifted, but I didn’t go far, and a lot has to do with the fact that he refused to give up on me. Not only has Woody been fighting for the life of our child, but he has been fighting for me as well. Until you go though something as devastating and hard as this, you have no idea how easy it is to just give up on everything. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this without my husband and I can’t do this by myself. I need him more than ever. He needs me just as much and I have to go back to being a wife to him. Yes, Ronan is my number one focus…. but the neglect that my husband has felt is not o.k. He deserves so much better. Being with Woody feels so good to me, but it also hurts so much. Looking into his eyes is like looking into a reflection of my own eyes which are filled with so much pain and sadness. But at least I have him to share this with and someone who knows what I am feeling and understands. He is the only one in my life who truly gets it and I cannot push him away any longer. It just makes everything so much more difficult. He is my best friend, he is the one who is going to fight this battle with me. We can do this together; we have no choice because I am tired of trying to be the strong one and do this on my own. Woody wants me to let him in again; and I am ready to let him in. I want my husband back; I have missed him so much.

I don’t often speak of the things that go on with Woody and I but tonight I am getting personal. Everybody should know what a toll this takes on a marriage. I am just thankful that our foundation and marriage was so strong before all of this which in turn will help us get though this. We are going to look back a year from now and know that we just survived Hell, and that we did it together. How many people can say that?? Not many. We have 3 gorgeous sons that need their parents and two parents who are crazy about each other. Yes, Woody… I will grow old with you and it will be the happiest day of my life. Thank you for fighting for me and for us. I am here and cancer can Fuck off because it is not going to destroy my marriage. We are way too strong for that.

I have met some of the most amazing people through out all of this. Tonight, I owe everything to Mr. Sparkly Eyes.. for never judging, always being honest, and for loving me and my family. Also, to Mrs. Darling, I too have the most insane intuition which is one of the reasons I feel such a strong connection to you…. having you tell me tonight about what you are feeling meant the world to me, because I feel the exact same way. I do not think you are a kook in any way. You are such a blessing to me. New York Miss Macy… for being my ears tonight and making me great music to help escape the dark hospital nights. Great music makes everything all better. And to my Wooddawg. For being the most amazing husband alive and for knowing that I am worth fighting for and for bringing me back to you. I’ve missed you so much.

Ronan’s ANC was at 80 today…. his little bone marrow is trying so hard to come back. We will find out tomorrow if they have come up even more. Hoping, but it does not look like we will be getting out of here anytime soon. Thank you to Sarah and Stacy for helping me today so I could get out of the hospital for most of the day and actually pick my twins up from school. They were so happy to see me:) You girls have no idea how much your help means to me. Thank you so much. Love you both.

Woody often tells me songs remind him of me. This says everything perfectly tonight. I love you, Wooddawg. I will love you forever too.

Coldplay : Green eyes

Honey you are a rock

Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Green eyes



Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

P.S. After 12 years of being with Woody, he still to this day, ALWAYS, opens the door for me.

G’nite beautiful souls out there. Sweetest dreams. I hope you all have someone in your life that makes you feel just as special as Woody does me. Love and health are the two most important things in life. <3<3 If you have them both, you are the luckiest people alive.

10 thoughts on “Because I’m still in love with you

  1. Melissa sager

    Mia– I have read every post that you have published here….and tonight by far was the most touching, raw and honest I’ve read!! You are a wonderful amazing person, mom…wife!! This among many have brought me to tears…but tonight it was a different kind of tears…the raw emotion you published here would make your theripst among everyone else so very proud of you!!! You keep going girl…fuck cancer and what it has done to everyone that it engulfs…but also cancer has brought this surreal honestly and realization out of you from a very deep place! Much love to you and your family!


  2. Trish

    Your an amazing mom, wife, friend and person. I do not know you personally, but hope to some day meet you through mutual friends. You are very strong, and you have handled all of this with such grace and strength. I think that putting yourself out there and sharing your story takes courage. Your courage is not only helping you, I know it’s helping others truly understand where this nightmare is taking you, your family, and Ronan. By sharing your story, I just know you are helping others!!

    You go girl!!

  3. Willits family

    I was worried the other day at the hospital for your strength, but am glad it is back. You both are an amazing, smart, beautiful couple from the inside/out. You are going to have days and weeks that are bad just always remember your foundation with Woody and all will be okay. Remember also it takes a village and in your situation an army. Thank goodness you have an army of friends and anyone of us would drop anything to help you.

    You truly are the epitome of Grace and peace in the hospital. Even in your darkest hours. You are not alone and we are all here to help you.



    PS You looked like a million bucks on Sunday when you were not feeling yourself. Keep up your strength, foundation and coconut water:)))

  4. Marquita Ward

    What wonderful loving words to read, especially just before Valentine’s Day! The Lord is truly blessing you!

  5. Liv

    It’s about fucking time. (No one post about what a bitch I am for saying this…Maya knows how and what I mean) I’m so glad you are finding your way back to Woody. You are right, no one else in this world is feeling what you are feeling except Woody. I am so happy ready this post today. Love you!

  6. Kimball Arnold

    You, Woody and your family have been through so much and you keep charging forward. This too will pass and as long as you two have a good foundation, you will continue to do what needs to be done to save your precious Ronan. I was thinking how much he has been through this past month and how he needs time for his body to heal from surgery and that help me understand how he just doesn’t feel well – at least not yet. Trust in the love you and Woody have for each other and for your family and that trust will help you all get through this. You are setting a wonderful example for all, especially Woody and your boys that your love is so powerful and will help carry all of you through this. One day you will ask yourself how you even got through this and you will see for yourself that is was LOVE. Take CAre and God Bless you all.

  7. Lauren

    Maya-We’ve never met, and I have never posted on a blog, but after reading yours from start to finish this weekend (I read about it in US Weekly) I felt compelled to write. I have no idea what you are going through but I know what it is like to be Ronan’s shoes. I can assure you that the person to whom I was the most rotten, was the same person whose hugs felt the best and I leaned on the harderst, my mom. Not too long ago, I gave my mom a card that said, “Before I knew anything else, I knew what it meant to be loved.” There is so much Ronan doesn’t understand right now, or Quinn and Liam for that matter, but I am certain they know (and are comforted by) what it means to be loved. May you fall asleep to that thought, if not tonight, one night very soon.
    PS-Your family has the right idea-vacations after kicking cancer’s ass are the BEST!

  8. brandi

    So, so glad to hear you are finding your way back to the “old you” before cancer. All your boys need to see a strong and united Mommy and Daddy more than ever, glad to hear that you guys are back on track.
    You deserve to be happy! Sounds like a date night is in order, and it sounds like you have a lot of support from friends…
    I don’t know you but have a big smile after reading this post!

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