I just want to be home

Am I staring in Bill Murry’s movie, “Groundhog Day?” That’s what the days feel like around here. I texted Woody today and said is it Thursday or Friday today? I had no clue what day it was. I ran home to shower and repack my bag, hit up the grocery store for Ro, then headed back to PCH. Today I’m depressed, tired, and sad. Hospital living at it’s finest. I just spent the past 30 minutes staring out the window at all of the cars on the freeway, wishing I was the one with somewhere to go, with not a care in the world. I had a mini breakdown this afternoon, tears and all. Thanks to my sweet Mrs. Sangria😉 for being on the other end of the phone for me and listening to me as I was a blubbering mess. I’m better now. But that as we know, can all change in an instant.

Ronan’s ANC is still not coming up. He looks great, but they are not letting us out of here until his counts start to rise. I’ve asked everybody. I told my friend Bethany tonight that I was about to throw Ro in a duffel bag and smuggle him out of here. She offered to be my get away driver;) That’s a true friend right there. So we just sit and wait. I asked why couldn’t we just go home and keep Ronan on lockdown there. I know the reason why, it’s obvious hospital policy and rules…. but wouldn’t he be safer at home without all the hospital germs floating around?? Makes sense to me, but I know these rules can’t be broken. So, I will sit and wait while listening as my 5 month old roommate, who has cancer, gets the spit suctioned out of his mouth because he can’t swallow on his own. I will sit and wait as this little baby has to be at the hospital all alone for days because his mom is at work.  I will sit and listen to him cry and struggle to breathe and watch as the nurses try to take the place of his mom for the time being. I will sit and listen to Ronan cry that he just wants to go home because he misses his brothers so much. I will sit and wait and be patient and comforting to my son because that is what he deserves. I will sit and be thankful too. Thankful that I can be here with Ronan, thankful that I don’t have to work and leave my son alone. I have to find the silver lining in all of this somewhere. On the inside, I feel empty, tired, and numb. I want this all to go away; now.

Today was spent keeping Ronan busy and his mind off of being in the hospital. We sat in his bed and played Star Wars and watched movies. We broke out this adorable “finger ink” book that some mystery person dropped off the other day… as well as a bag full of other goodies. Still don’t know who this was but thank you again:) We sat and pressed our fingers on the ink pads and made silly pictures. Ronan then decided to dot my nose with a the color green. Well, that led to bigger and better things and before I knew it, I had inked his entire head and face  all orange and made him look like a pumpkin. He inked my face purple and green. We were laughing the entire time and thankfully, the ink was really easy to wash off. Messy but very well worth it. Being in a hospital so much you have to get crazy sometimes. That was our crazy for the day; and we had a blast.

Short and sweet tonight because that’s all I can do. Hopefully tomorrow we will see a rise in Ro’s immune system counts. PLEASE. Love you all. Sweet dreams.

xoxo