I hope this will be the last un-birthday i ever have to have

Writing from my iPhone tonight….. So hang in there.
1.11.11 will be a birthday I will never forget. It started off
early with a “Happy Birthday, young lady,” along with a big hug
from a good friend. After that, I called Tricia and was sad to hear
the way her voice sounded. She was pissed at the world today and
upset that I was having an un-birthday. All she wanted was for our
lives to be normal and to celebrate me the way we have for 6 years
now. I listened to her yell and cry, and I cried with her. She
talked about how the time in New York meant so much to her, how she
felt like she finally got her best friend back, and how she was
scared she was going to lose me again. I wish I could have
reassured her today, but I couldn’t. I told her how scared I was
too…. because I can already tell the old Maya is fading away. I
can feel myself slipping back into my protective shell that I tend
to create when I’m scared, depressed, or sad. It’s easier to be in
here alone. I spent the rest of the morning with Ronan, who pretty
much stayed in bed the whole morning and afternoon. My friend, Pam
came by and so did Wood. Playroom Cathy from PCH came in and
brought me a slice of cake and a cupcake. Made me smile and was so
thoughtful of her to do. I went home for a bit and slept then
showered. Woody and the boys took me to Chelsea’s for a quick
birthday dinner. I couldn’t even enjoy it…. I felt so anxious the
entire time. It was like I was watching the world around me in slow
motion and my world has stopped while everybody else’s is moving
full speed ahead. It’s hard for me to be back in Phoenix, around
all of our familiar things. It’s was easy to be in New York because
it was such a change of pace and a distraction. We were told today
that when Ronan starts his transplant and isolation, it is only
myself or Woody who is allowed in the room the entire time. Nobody
else can come or go, Ronan can’t see Liam or Quinn, and Woody and I
really shouldn’t be leaving the room at all. I told Woody that I
would handle the weeks and he could do weekends. I’d better get
creative on how I’m going to channel my energy. Getting Ronan
through it will be enough for me to focus on. I’m scared to death
and once again, I can’t believe Ro has to go through so much. My
precious baby boy….. I will be sorry to him for the rest of my
life. Tonight, I am sad and throwing myself a pity party. It’s my
un birthday and I can cry if I want to. Worst birthday of my life.
I should be at home, snuggled in bed with Woody, while all 3 of our
healthy boys are sound asleep. I should not be at a hospital
staring at the bald head of my baby. I do have some good news to
share. Ronan’s infection ended up not being an infection in his
broviac line. They think it was just a surface infection which
means he stopped his antibiotics and we get to go home this weekend
after chemo!!! So happy for that. We will start his chemo tomorrow
morning. It’s the last round for my baby! Tonight, when the clock
turns 11:11; my dear Becky Jo told me I get to make 11 wishes. Can
you guess what I’m going to wish for??? I’m sure you can. It’s the
only thing I want in the world. Thank you to all of you today who
left me great un-birthday messages via phone, texts, emails,
Facebook, or on this blog. I do feel so blessed to have so many
people in my life who love me..even at my worst. Sweet dreams to
you all! xo P.S. A special I love you to my New York Miss Macy.
Thank you for going out to the restaurant we were supposed to be at
tonight and thank you for celebrating me even though I couldn’t be
there. But most of all, thank you for making my side hurt from
laughing at the funniest story ever. A perfect ending to a
seriously shitty birthday!!!! Love you so much. You crack me up!!!

Look at what my Fernanda did for me tonight and then sent me a picture of. Thank you for this. Made my night.