Hellllloooo Phoenix

Home. Safe and sound. Tonight, my life flashed before my eyes as I pictured not having Ronan on a private jet to get him home. I seriously was almost sick to my stomach and I looked over at Trish and said, “Could you imagine if we would have had to fly home on a commercial flight??” She said no way. If that would have been the case, I don’t think I would have taken Ronan back to Phoenix. I think I may have possibly said screw the study. I know I was not going to say thank you anymore but I’m sorry, SB. You have no idea how much stress you saved me. Thank you again, and again, and again. A commercial flight would have been HELL. He is so miserable right now and was so miserable on the flight. Thankfully, he was able to stretch out and actually lay down on a big seat and rest. He was cranky, hurting, and not a happy camper at all. You should have seen the way he lit up as soon as we touched down in Phoenix and he watched as his two brothers ran and got on the plane to hug him. Oh, it was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes. We loaded everybody into the car and headed toward PCH. As soon as we approached, Ronan asked where we were going, and we had to tell him to the hospital. I watched as his little lip quivered and he said he just wanted to go home. Once again, I was almost sick to my stomach. He was so sad but was too tired to put up much of a fight. Right as we pulled up to PCH, our two favorite nurses, Danny and Arica came walking out. I could not have been happier to see them. Arica gave me a big hug and they were so happy to see Ro. They are both working tomorrow so I know that will make Ronan happy. Liam and Quinn cannot even come into the hospital due to it being RSV season. How is he going to survive without seeing his brothers for the next 10 days? We are going to have to get Skype set up pronto. Ronan is now passed out with his antibiotics running. My poor little guy. He has been through so much and is so strong and brave. I am so sad that he has to go through all of this. It breaks my heart on a daily basis; especially when I see him not acting like himself, like he is depressed and sad. I miss his laugh and smile so much. It’s been a few days since I’ve seen it. Maybe it will appear tomorrow on my un-birthday. That is the only thing I want for my day tomorrow, is to see Ronan smile.

So tomorrow is my 1.11.2011 birthday. It’s supposed to be extra special, right? No thanks. I told Woody tonight that tomorrow is officially my un-birthday. I have actually been being a little bratty about it to anyone that brings it up. I was talking to my friend Pam tonight and she goes, “So happy birthday tomorrow…like it fucking matters.” I said, “THANK YOU! Finally, someone who gets it!!!” She told me she absolutely gets it and I have the right to have an un-birthday. My wish for my birthday tomorrow is for all of you just to think about Ronan, and all of the other kids who are suffering. Take my day and pay it forward to someone else… buy the stranger behind you a coffee at Starbucks, make someone smile, and then think of Ronan when you accomplish this. Take my day and hug your kids extra tight and be grateful for everything you have. I have everything I could ever wish for in my life, except for Ronan’s health. The thought of “celebrating” my birthday seems so unimportant and silly. So no birthday for me tomorrow. Just another day, with my beautiful son, is all I could ever want or need.

So, back from New York and I’m still having mixed feelings. I’ve been pretty upset about having to return so quickly when Ronan is so not feeling well, but I know it’s not going to do me any good so I’m trying my best to change my attitude. This is just not the way I pictured coming back here at all. I wanted to come back from such a positive trip and transition Ronan back to Phoenix in a positive way. By taking him straight off of the airplane, fully healed from surgery, and back to his house and to his brothers. Not straight from an airplane right to PCH for another 10 days. But here we are, and we will make the best of it that we can because that’s just how we roll around here;). I will get Ronan through this and soon we will be home for awhile, before transplant and it will be oh so sweet.

G’nite to all of you out there. Sweetest dreams.

xoxo