Mess with the bull, you get the horns!

Tonight is the eve of my babies surgery. I know it is a
very good thing that tomorrow is here; but I am still filled with
an overwhelming amount of anxiety, anger, sadness, sorrow, etc…
basicially I have been through about every emotion one can feel
today. We have been waiting so long for tomorrow to come; and now
that it is almost here… I don’t even know what to do with myself. I
won’t be o.k. until I hear the words that Ronan is out of surgery
and he is doing fine. Until then, I am going to be a wreck. I will
find the strength to keep it together as much as possible tomorrow,
but it is going to be a very hard day. I spent this morning with
Ronan, doing our usual things. We went downstairs and I made him
breakfast. We came back upstairs and finished watching “Despicible
Me” from last night. We then all got ready for the day. I had to
laugh at Woody today at a comment he made to me. I was just getting
out of the shower sans no make-up… he looked at me and goes,
“What’s going on with the dark circles under your eyes? “When did
that happen?” I tried my best not to punch him, and just calmly
told him that they have been there for a few weeks now. He tried to
argue with me and told me that they have not; and I then told him,
yes they have and thank god for make-up. Without it, I look like
somebody has given me two black eyes. I’ve never dealt with the
issues of black circles under my eyes before and I thought it was
funny that he just now noticed today. Looking in the mirror anymore
is weird for me… I look different and my eyes definitely tell the
story. I have been laughing about this all day, because for some
strange reason it is funny to me. I’ll take any kind of humor I can
get right about now. After we got ready, Woody sent me out to get
the pedicure he put in my stocking for Christmas. It was so nice to
get out and go pamper myself a little bit. I got a dark purple
color for Ronan of course. New York was cold and dizzily today and
I quite enjoyed my walk. As I was leaving the pedicure place, I was
in the middle of texting my friend, whom I’m calling, Mr.Sparkly Eyes, to please keep Ronan in his prayers tonight and
tomorrow, which I know he always does, but I said something along
the lines of, “you know I have my issues with God, but I’m asking
for anything at this point.” (and please, no snarky comments here,
I have a right to be mad and questioning everything) As soon as I
texted him those words, I passed a small Catholic Church with the
Fleur De Lis symbol on the outside of it. The Fleur De Lis has kind
of become a family symbol of ours. I walked past the church and
then immediately turned around and went inside. It was empty and I
walked right up to the front and sat down. As soon as I did this I
started crying and sat and cried for a good 30 minutes. I cried, I
prayed, I begged, I asked questions and I cried some more. It was
so peaceful inside and I felt such a sense of comfort and warmth. I
lit 3 candles inside that church tonight. One for Ronan, one for
Jack Morton, and one for Mia Foutz. I said prayers for all of them.
I then left the church but not before I filled it with about 50 of
Ronan’s little cards with his picture and story on it. It’s been
about 16 years since I’ve been inside of a church to pray. It was
just what I needed and exactly where I needed to be tonight. I
haven’t talked to anyone really today, besides my friend, Pamela
White. I have kind of gone into hiding today… so sorry to my
friends…I’m a little too weak to talk right now. I needed to talk
to Pam tonight and that was all. I needed her because she has been
exactly where I am standing, litterely. It was her voice that I
needed to hear, the comfort in her voice, and her advice. She
talked, I listened, I cried, and I believed in every word she was
saying. She told me there was no way to prepare for tomorrow, and
told me no day will ever be as bad as the day Ronan was diagnosed.
She is so right. Nothing in my life, so far, will ever be as bad as
that day. Woody keeps telling me tomorrow is the biggest day of our
life and he is right. He also has been so great about sending me
text messages telling me how Ronan can do this, how he is so much
stronger than every other kid. He is so great about doing things
like this… I tend to go into shut down mode and push everyone away.
I just want tomorrow to be over and Ronan to be o.k. I want that
fucking tumor out of his abdomen. We have to be at the hospital at
7 a.m. East Coast time. Ronan is not scheduled for surgery until
10:50 a.m,, but he may be going in earlier depending on how the
morning goes. I will keep you all posted as best I can and I am so
thankful for all of your prayers and how much you will be thinking
of him/us. Thank you all for your messages today, via text,
facebook, phonecalls, emails, etc…. They mean so much to me. I got
a really sweet one from my friend Shelby that I am going to share.
Thanks for this tonight, Shelby, I really needed this.
I wish you a couple of hours of sleep
tonight and a smooth day tomorrow. Your family has been on my mind
on day. I took you to yoga with me tonight and turned my practice
over to you. My teacher pulled off his shirt mid class (yeah!) and
he had a beautiful tattoo that said “this too shall pass”…just
like yours. I take it all as a sign and I know that you will take a
huge jump in your goal to kick cancer’s ass tomorrow when you get
it all out of your baby. Blessings and strength mama!
Shelby
My friend, Noelle, also reminded
me tonight that Ronan is a Taurus. A stubborn bull who is
determined to win! He will win, he will fly through this surgery
with such strength and determination. He is our fighter, our hero,
our Rockstar! Nothing is going to stand in his way. Let’s get this
freaking show on the road already. So, I am asking that you keep Ro
and all of his doctors in your prayers tomorrow. Dr. LaQuaglia,
especially as well. He is beyond blessed at what he does and I have
complete faith in him. He is going to save our baby. Sleep well
tonight and I hope your dreams are filled with images of Ronan. I
am leaving you tonight with a beautiful picture of a butterfly. To
me, butterfly’s represent a rebirth…. a shedding of their cocoon
only to be reborn as something even more beautiful than before.
After tomorrow, Ronan will be reborn and free of the mass in his
abdomen. A new, fresh start for him. The rebirth of our baby boy. I
love you all and I promise to update you as soon as we hear
anything tomorrow. xoxo

Ronan’s Day Out

The stats helper
monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and
here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The
Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads
Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors
per year. This blog was viewed about
150,000 times in 2010. If it were an
exhibit at The Louvre Museum, it would take 6 days for that many
people to see it.

In 2010, there were
178 new posts, not bad for the first
year! There were 247 pictures
uploaded, taking up a total of 216mb. That’s about 5 pictures per
week.

The busiest day of the year was August
17th with 3,642 views. The most
popular post that day was My
first true love
.

Where did
they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010
were facebook.com,
twitter.com,
mail.yahoo.com,
mail.live.com, and
Google Reader.

Some
visitors came searching, mostly for rockstar
ronan
,
www.rockstarronan.com,
rockstarronan.com,
rockstarronan, and ronan
thompson
.

Attractions
in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got
the most views in 2010.

1

My
first true love
August
2010

16 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,

2

RonanBaby
August
2010

79 comments

3

The
Ronan Thompson Foundation
September
2010

1 comment

4

The
Journey Begins . . .
August
2010

52 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,

5

Sick.Mad.Angry.Scared.
This effing sucks.
September
2010

18 comments