A picture is worth a thousand words… and a thousand tears

Last night, I took a picture of Ronan, and it took my breath away. He doesn’t even look like the same baby anymore. Cancer has taken over and completely changed his appearance. He is skinny, pale, his eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, his bald head and sunken in eyes are heart wrenching. After I looked at the picture, I immediately went into my room and started to cry. Woody came in after me and I said to him, “Is he dying?” Woody immediately grabbed me and told me to knock it off, that although his appearance is changing, his spirits are not. He was so happy and active yesterday. He ran around all day telling us all how happy he was and how much he loved us all. He played a lot of football and is still eating a ton. He did get sick in the middle of the night last night. This is a huge reason of why I have him sleeping in bed with me. I never know when something like this will happen and the last thing I want is my baby boy to be alone in his bed, scared, and not having me right there to take care of him. He was upset, but after I got him and everything cleaned up he told me thank you and went back to sleep. His manners have become so beautiful. Everything is thank you, you’re welcome, bless you, or his favorite; thank you so much. It is adorable. My favorite is when he says to me, “I love you, so much. I love you the most.” He tells me that a lot. The “I hate you’s” have become less and less. His temper tantrums seem to be settling down as well.

We have a busy week ahead. I’ve got so much to get done before we leave for New York. I said to Woody, “How in the world am I going to pack for over a month in New York?” Luckily, we’ll have a washer and dryer, so that will help. But it’s still a lot to wrap your head around. Woody has been trying to talk me into a Christmas Tree and doing lights on the house. I told him no way. I just want to deal with Christmas when we get to New York and soak it all up then. We will make is special for Liam and Quinn but a tree this year seems pointless. Talk about doing it up in New York…. I’ll be there for Christmas, my 9 year anniversary, New Years Eve, and my birthday. Ronan’s surgery is all set for January 7th now. I am ready to get this show on the road and this freaking tumor out of his abdomen.

It was great having my mom and Jim here. They were so helpful and I am glad I was feeling better and didn’t freak out on my mom like last time. It was good for her to see that I am “feeling better.” Whatever that means. I think it means my medication is working. I feel more balanced and stable I guess. The boys’ loved having Jim here. They did a lot of playing and laughing. It was good for everybody…. I only wish they could have stayed a few more days so they could have spent a little more time with Ronan outside of the hospital. I am trying to talk my mom into coming to New York for a few days to spend it with us. I really hope she will.

I hope you are all having a great weekend. I think of you all often and thank you again for all of your love and support. Enjoy your Sunday and count your blessings!!