Hospital Days and Nights

After a much needed nights sleep in my own bed, I woke up refreshed and ready to face today. I got to the hospital around 8 a.m. so Woody and Quinny could go home. Today, Ronan has been resting a lot. He is still in a lot of pain and is mad at the world. When he is awake, he is throwing things and grabbing his little cheeks. He won’t let me hold him or even come near him. We are pretty much keeping him on continuous pain medicine and that seems to help. His ANC dropped again, from 31 yesterday to 18. They told me yesterday that this could happen. It just means the chemo is doing what it is supposed to be doing, which is wiping his entire immune system out. As much as it sucks, I am thankful because he is responding to the treatment. Some kids do not respond at all and nothing works. The fact that it is kicking his butt, gives me much hope. It’s hard on him to be here and it’s not fair that this is now his life. But this is how it has to be for awhile and I know he is young enough, that when he is older he won’t remember any of this. I on the other hand will never forget. This experience changes my life and the way I view things daily. All that matters is getting him well. I could care less about the things that used to be important to me… they seem so insignificant now. This baby boy is the other half of me. I swear going through this makes me feel like I am pregnant again with him and he is back in the womb. That is how protective I feel of him.

Ronan is still sleeping. He’s been sleeping for about 3 hours now. They gave him Benadryl because of the platelets he received today and that has knocked him out. I hate seeing him so lifeless and tired. That is not my little guy and it breaks my heart. I am hoping he will feel good enough to go to the playroom when he wakes up. I’ve got to get him out of this stupid room. He has been in here since Thursday.

The little tiger finally woke up and played in his bed most of the day. He has been watching a lot of Star Wars and Mickey Mouse. He has also been playing with his Star Wars guys. Thanks Matt for bringing some new guys by… he is in heaven. He hasn’t wanted much to do with me today. He’s been telling me things like, He hates me, he’s telling Santa Clause on me, I can’t go to New York with him, etc….. the list could go on and on. He has been hitting a lot too. Somehow, I’ve kept it calm, cool, and collected. I know he is hurting and is mad about the pain so he takes it out on me. It’s fine, I’m his mama and that’s what I am for. I tried not to be too sad about it today. I just kept focused on him and tending to his every need. He is still awake and playing Star Wars but he is starting to get sleepy. That big nap today has kept him up late tonight. I’m tired and am hoping to get some rest soon. I’m not sure how many more days we are going to have to be here…. all depends on how fast his immune system comes back up. I may as well just move into PCH, we have to be back here all next week for Round 5 of chemo. I can do this…. we are almost done with the chemo part. Seems so weird that it went SO fast.

Time to snuggle up with Ronan. Sweet dreams to you all my dear friends. xoxo