Back in the hospital. Boo.

I could tell yesterday that Ronan wasn’t feeling well. He started to act tired and was not acting like his active self. I took him to the clinic today and his counts came back on the lower end and his platelets had dropped to 28,000. We expected this, it means the chemo is doing it’s job. They said they would transfuse him if his platelets were under 30,000 so they did. We would like to avoid another bloody nose incident if possible. After the transfusion, he spiked a bit of a fever which is a big uh-oh around here. It could have been a reaction from the platelets, but it could be something else like an infection. His ANC (annual neutrophil¬†counts) were at 0, which basically means he has no immune system at all. Because of the combination of the fever and his ANC being so low, they admitted him into the hospital. He was not happy about it but is too weak to put up much of a fight. While we were at the clinic, I stepped out for a bit while Mimi Kay sat with Ronan as he slept. I ran over to the Picu to visit my new friends, The Foutz family. Mia is fighting cancer, but a different kind than Ronan. I think she has had 4 brain surgery’s so far and she is only 5. I brought her a new Barbie, a Hello Kitty purse, and some cute Paul Frank pajama’s. I got a little smile out of that sweet little soul and that made my day. She is having another surgery tomorrow so PLEASE keep this little girl in your thoughts as well. I sat and talked with her dad, Matt for awhile who I LOVE. He is funny and cracks me up. He is a badass just like his little Mia. His wife, Sandra, is going to come up in a bit to visit. I have talked to her a few times and feel an instant connection. They are family now, a beautiful family and they will get through this just like we are going to.

I had a breakdown in the clinic today while Ronan was asleep. I hate seeing him not feeling well. My most favorite nurse in the WORLD, Sharon came into the room as I was sitting there crying. She sat with me and we talked for a bit while she hugged me tight. She saved me in that moment and I will never forget it. Today, I feel like banging my head against the wall and never stopping. I told Sharon that when all this is said and done, hopefully we will have raised enough money through Ronan’s Foundation that I am going to donate a lot of it to PCH. You know what I am going to donate it towards?? I am going to make them put in a padded screaming room somewhere in the hospital. With punching bags and everything. Why don’t hospitals have those?? They should be mandatory. I could have used that room today and I’m sure a ton of parents feel the exact same way. Fucking cancer. I can’t even talk about our roommate. If I do, I’ll crack. Let’s just say the spit has to be sucked out of her mouth and cannot even walk. This scares me shitless. Did cancer do this to her?? Must have, because that is what the floor we are on is dedicated to…. I’m dying to know what happened, but too scared to ask. My mind is freaking out and once again I hear myself saying over and over how lucky we are that Ronan is only dealing with this. Am I ok?? Yes. No. Absolutely not. I’m not o.k. and I may never be o.k. but I can put on a good show. A great show. I will smile for my husband extra bright, be the best mommy in the world to my twins and act like everything is A-o.k. ¬†because that is the only fucking choice I have. I will vent on here because it is my escape, I will talk to my therapist and my friends, but I will stay strong in front of the people who need me most. Well, I will try my hardest… sometimes, I have no control over the things I am feeling.

Ronan is worrying me. He hasn’t been eating much and has lost some weight. I know it’s because his stomach is upset but the last thing I want is to have to have a feeding tube put in his nose. OMG. Could you imagine how pissed off he would be about that one?? I’ve got to get him eating. I don’t care what it takes… I’ll let him eat McDonalds 10 times a day if I have to. He has to start eating… I will do whatever it takes. I have got to get his counts to come back up and this fever to go away so we can get him home again. His little spirit is so crushed when we are here. He wants nothing more but to be back at home with his Daddy and brothers.